Ever since the fight on the road to the city where they were now spending the night, Elmo had felt like he was going through the world like it was what was moving rather than him. Like he was standing still with not being able to move in response to the changes around him.
He didn't like feeling that way, but at the same time, he was trapped in that mode. Almost like he had to move in order to escape that prison, but at the same time, that same prison prevented him from moving. Like a catch 22. In order to solve the problem, he had to have already solved the problem. Which really wasn't something that he was ever good at.
While he'd done pretty well in the gaming world, he was nowhere near the top lists on any of the leaderboards and he didn't care to try. He merely did what he could and moved on.
While this competition was like a game, he couldn't just leave it when he got tired of it. He was trapped inside and if he wasn't careful, he would end up dead. Much like Michelle had died. He wished he could have done something to help her, but that was more wishful thinking. Something that those who were still alive had the luxury of doing. It wasn't anything that he could change, no matter how much he wanted to.
Then at the meeting, while he heard what was said, he couldn't be sure that he would be able to actually take the life of another person. Even if it was in self-defense. Even though he knew that another person didn't have the right to demand his life either.
Maybe it was because his uncle had been arrested and put in prison when he killed a man who had broken into his house and nearly killed him and his wife. Elmo never forgot that and couldn't understand wh it was so terrible for his uncle to have done that in order to save his life and his wife's. Even though he had been 5 at the time, he still didn't understand why that had happened.
However, he had said that he would do what he could to not be a burden, he just could only hope that he would be able to live up to that. Not that he really had much choice. Besides, he was well aware of what would happen if he had to part ways with the rest of his group.
If he parted ways, then likely whoever had attacked them before would go after him, if only to make sure that he didn't know anything that could harm them. Even though it might not happen right away. He just knew that if he wasn't able to do that when he needed to be able to do it, then he wasn't likely to succeed when they came for him after that.
It would certainly be the end of his life. Then as he thought about it, he couldn't think about how he'd be able to really care if he ended up like that. He doubted that he'd be able to recover himself if that's what would happen in the future.
Though, while he was determined to do what he'd said, he couldn't help but worry that he would choke when he needed to help the most. At the moment as he considered that, he felt his body shiver from a sudden cold, not that he knew why he suddenly was cold all over. Yet he couldn't help but let it be, regardless of how cold he was at the moment. Not that it stopped him from shivering from the sensation. He had other things that he felt he needed to focus on first.
As Jonas left the room, Elmo looked at Elin. While Elin looked relieved for some reason, Elmo still felt he needed to talk with her. She was the first friend he'd had here, although it hadn't been his intention of making friends at the time. He just wanted to help her. As one of the lines that he'd seen in a video game that had always stuck with him was from Final Fantasy IX. It was associated with the main character of the game, Zidane. The line was: 'You don't need a reason to help people.'
As such, he always strived to be helpful to others, even if he would occasionally get taken advantage of. Especially from his own family. Not that he complained, even when he was aware of that fact. After all, they didn't really understand why he was so willing to help in the first place usually.
"Sorry about yesterday," Elmo said, not sure what exactly he was referring to, but feeling like he should say it anyway.
Elin smiled. "Doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm just glad you're okay now."
Elmo nodded, returning Elin's smile. "It felt like I wasn't even here when we came to the city. Almost like I was watching it happen through someone else's eyes."
""But you're okay, now, right?" Elin suddenly looked worried again. "You're not seeing the world through 'someone else's eyes' now, right?"
Elmo chuckled. "I said that's how I felt when we entered the city. Not how I currently feel," he said lightheartedly. "I'm feeling better now, though I can't say why I felt the way I did."
"Next time maybe push your own personal feelings out the door," Kim suggested. "That way you won't have to worry her so much."
"Kim, I'm fine!" Elin protested. "I wasn't worried because of how he was feeling, I was worried because of how he looked."
"Trust me, when you push your feelings out the door, you look much the same," Kim remarked.
Elin shook her head. "No, when my father would do something like that, I could always tell that there was something bothering him. He would try to act like there wasn't anything, but it was always clear that there was. The harder he tried to pretend, the easier it was to see."
"So, you're saying that it doesn't matter how he feels, just so long as you can't tell something's wrong?" Kim asked, though despite her words, Elmo thought she was teasing Elin more than being serious about the questions.
"That's not it at all!" Elin snapped. "Even if he doesn't recognize how he feels, that doesn't make them go away. It still affects how he looks. That's what worries me about anyone that's a friend."
Kim looked at Elmo like she would rather step on him like a bug than anything else before looking at Elin again. "Why would you consider him a friend?"
"Because he's a friend," Elin explained.
While that explanation seemed to be enough for Elin, even Elmo found himself a little confused at that logic. While it didn't make sense to him, he wondered if that was one of the things that couldn't really be explained. Such as the kind of explanation that he'd heard before that was closer to 'I'll know it when I see it.'
It didn't really give an explanation to what criteria was involved, but more that they recognized it when they saw it and that was all the criteria they needed. Which didn't really help people like Elmo who wanted to understand what reasons a person would have for something like that.
However, it wasn't like he could do anything about that. Which meant he could either continue to try and find a reason in there or he could accept what Elin said. Regardless of how much it didn't make sense to him.
"That's all you need to know if someone's a friend?" Kim asked skeptically.
Elin nodded. "Yep."
"Then how would you know if he stopped being a friend?" Kim asked smugly, looking like she was about to trap Elin in a logic trap.
"I'd know because he'd stop being my friend," Elin answered confidently.
Elmo couldn't help but smile in amusement at Kim's expression when she heard Elin's response. It was a time when he wished he had a camera. That would have been a very entertaining picture to keep. If he survived taking it at least. Elmo recognized that Kim would know what a camera was and so would know what he would be doing if she caught him.
"Whatever reasons Elin has," Elmo interjected, "we should just let her have them, since I think she might not be consciously aware of what her reasons are."
"Exactly," Elin said triumphantly. Though a moment later she added, "What was that again?"
Elmo didn't reply, just merely smiled kindly at her. "I'll be heading over to the room I have with Jonas. It might be good for us to just rest today and take it easy. If Jonas was right, it probably wouldn't be good for us to be seen on the street."
Elmo couldn't help but remember what happened when he went for a morning walk. That really had shattered his sense of security in that village.
Kim looked at Elin, a glint in her eye that Elmo didn't like the look of. "I think we can think of something to do," Kim merely said.
Elmo nodded and walked briskly out of the room. He could tell what Kim had in mind and that was all he really needed to know. He certainly didn't want to see what they were going to do.
So, Elmo walked over to the room he was supposed to share with Jonas and found him asleep on the bed. Elmo wasn't surprised to see him seleeping, as he did plan on moving around in the dark, so it made sense that he'd want to get some sleep before that.
While Elmo told himself that she shouldn't disturb him, he still found himself climbing on the bed right next to Jonas, and laying as close to Jonas as he could. For some reason that helped him feel more relaxed as she started thinking over what it was that had kept him from actually doing something in the last fight they'd had.