When it came to girls I trusted, Megan was right up there. Obviously, I trusted her, because I was dating her. But she wouldn't hear a whisper of this if I had my way. The other girl who was right up there with her was Hisako. She was my friend, and had the best head on her shoulders out of all my acquaintances, except for maybe David Alleyne. Only she wasn't as holier-than-thou. Granted, she would still grill me when the time came, but she wouldn't be super-judgy about it, which was all I cared about.
I took her aside let her know what was up, with the single parameter that she told no one else, including members on our team.
"Even Eddie?" I remembered her asking when I first brought it up.
"Especially Eddie," He would never let it die if he found out. Also, if he knew, half the school would also know within three hours.
"Ruth probably already knows."
"She's fine. She's been taking the 'don't tell everyone everything you know' advice more to heart."
So, with that, I dragged her off, found Cessily, dragged her off as well, and took them both into town to do this properly – over a decent meal that I was of course paying for. Even so, Hisako still had to give me shit, because why wouldn't she?
"Why did you drag me here to talk about this?" Hisako said, fingertips drumming off of the table as we waited on our food to come.
I gave her an annoyed look, "Because you're supposed to be my conscience, remember?"
She stared me down, remembering the agreement that had led to our relationship improving on the Paladins. She was supposed to call me out at any given turn, and check me if I was being a prick, "I guess I'm the mediator then," She said with a resigned sigh, before her eyes darted to Cessily, "If so, I'll start with this. He's never going to actually break up with Megan. Ever."
Cessily scowled into the straw she was drinking from before pulling back to respond, "You don't know that."
"No, I do," Hisako said, reaching out to tug at the side of my hat, until I swatted her away, "He's content. That's all this idiot needs. If it ends, I would bet an arm it isn't going to be through him."
Cessily looked my way to get the words from my own mouth confirming or denying this. I was on the side of my battle ax of a teammate, "I firmly believe that eventually Megan is going to realize that I suck, and she'll get tired of me," I explained, "I really suck at being someone's boyfriend. She can do so much better than me."
She had to realize that at some point soon. She had to.
From the look on her face, Cessily clearly didn't understand why I was together with Megan if that was the case, "So, why are you dating her?"
I eased back in the booth we'd been seated in, "Because I like her, and I like the idea of being in a relationship. But I also know myself," The curse of self-awareness, "I'm a starter boyfriend, at best. Someone for a girl to have fun with and learn what she wants out of a real relationship," Let it be known, I had no problem with riding that for as long as I reasonably could. Someone had to do it. And it wasn't like there were no benefits to that kind of romantic classification.
Cessily struggled as though she knew what she wanted to say, but didn't know if she should say it, "...I've known you for about ten months, and I never wanted to say it, but you totally are," She started listing off reasons, "You're good-looking. You do cool stuff that gets the right kind of attention. You're not a pushover, but you're a decent guy that will treat a girl good for as long as she's with you."
I started to preen at having my ego stroked a bit, "-Thank you."
"-But you have the emotional depth of a WalMart cheesecake," She continued, bringing me back down to earth callously. Callous, yet realistic, "I feel like a goldfish would be a more emotionally fulfilling partner than you," Ouch. And yet, I didn't have the facts to dispute her, "...Aside from the sex. According to Pixie, you have that handled, but I don't think she has anyone to compare it to, so I'd take that with a grain of salt."
I was stunned. Not only because she was probably right, but because she had the lady-balls to just hit me with it; no sugarcoating, "You're a good friend to say that to my face. I respect that. You weren't even malicious about it either."
Cessily shrugged as though it were a small trifle, "I told you already, I think you're a good person. But you have some seriously crappy traits."
Hisako threw her hands up in understanding, "Yes, thank you!" She wagged a finger at me, "I love you as much as I love Eddie, but sometimes you really suck."
Cessily pointing this out made even less sense as to why she wanted to steer me toward my teammate with claws, "I don't get it. Why are you 'Team Laura' then?"
At that, she gave me a stern look, "Because I've hung out with her since the summer. She needs a starter boyfriend. You are perfect for her right now. She trusts you already. You don't want anything from her. You know more about her than anyone else here. You won't expect anything from being with her, but you'll do just about anything she wants while you're there. You do that now. You do it with all the girls on your team."
Anything they want? I felt offended. I did no such thing. Not with all of them, at least, "Okay, I'll admit, I spoil Ruth rotten. But Hisako? No. All we do is fight with each other."
The metal girl reacted like I had played right into her hands, "All Hisako wants from you is to fight with you," The she replied, crossing her arms with a smug grin on her face, "You both know I'm right."
"She is right," Hisako admitted without shame, "But it's kind of surprising though. You have a soft spot for girls. Everybody knows it. But you've never..." She trailed off. What was with the hesitation?
"Never what?" I asked impatiently.
Cessily let out a laugh once she figured out what Hisako was trying to say, "She's trying to figure out why you never tried to get with her or Ruth."
"Don't put it like that," Hisako spat, kicking Cessily in the shin under the table, "I know Bel gawks at us when he thinks we aren't paying attention," She stared me down as if I would deny it, but I met her look right back. There was no shame to my game, "You never even hit on us though. I had a big fat 'no' ready for months, and I never got to use it."
As they say, looking is free, touching will cost you, "I never thought about it because we're teammates," I said, "That's a dangerous conflict of interest."
Quickly getting what I was alluding to, Hisako winced, "Ooh, good point. Yeah, dating teammates. Yikes. That's a terrible idea," It shouldn't have taken her that long to figure that this was why I hadn't taken my shot with any of my girl teammates.
Unfortunately, Cessily hadn't been introduced to the rule we were alluding to, "Why?"
"Don't dip your pen in the company ink," I said. Or, as I would have preferred to say, were we not in a diner, 'Don't shit where you eat', "Don't bring up stuff that could cause problems in a place, group, or situation that you know you're going to be in a lot."
Hisako added on, "Don't mess up your safe spaces, like the student squads," Those were the 'us against the world' groups that we were supposed to feel most comfortable in.
"Josh and Laurie are dating," Cessily offered as a counterpoint.
And providing an example of a bad idea in practice made it a good idea? That wasn't how it worked. Plenty of bad ideas were done every day by people who should have known better.
"Well, they're stupid," I offered plainly as a reasonable rebuttal, "That way lies damnation."
Cessily's mouth fell open at my brazen declaration. She turned to Hisako to get me to stop, "Aren't you supposed to stop him from being a jerk?"
Hisako and I looked at each other, finding that there was no conflict between the two of us, "No, I agree with him. That's stupid. It's going to mess the New Mutants up," She said, "That's one reason why I'm so happy you're giving Eddie a chance instead of pining over Kevin."
"-Who is pining over Laurie too much to even notice me that way," Cessily interrupted, setting her cheek in her hand as her elbow propped it up on the table. Her entire demeanor seemed to lose spirit as she looked my way, "Yeah, I know, Bel. I have my own problems with this kind of thing, but is it so wrong to want it to be better for one of my friends?"
She had been expecting me to pile on when I wasn't even going to say anything about it. We all had our problems, and you couldn't help what your tastes were in romantic partners, "Not at all. But if you want better for your friend, you don't want me, whether that friend was Laura or not."
Cessily shook her head, "To be fair, I don't think it's as easy as setting her up with someone else and trying our luck."
There was no way I believed that, "Why not? Laura's finer than a motherfucker," A family with a six-year-old kid walking past shot me a dirty look. Making friends all over. I rolled my eyes at them off-handedly, "That by itself would have dudes lining up, even if she is kind of dangerous. We're all kind of dangerous."
"It's not them, it's her," Cessily said, "Because you're one of two men that she trusts. The other one is Logan."
And as one of those two men she trusted, I was letting her down, "I just don't know how to help."
Cessily reached out across the table and gave me a pat on the arm, "You can't fix everything. Dating Pixie is hurting Laura, but changing gears to date Laura would break Pixie's heart," Which I was not going to do. I liked Megan. I wanted to stay with Megan, even if she was too sweet to have to put up with me,"As much as I said that I'm 'Team Laura', things happen. Sometimes, we can't do anything about them."
"All I want is for everything to be cool," Why couldn't I ever just win? When a problem popped up, why couldn't I just solve it, and move forward with everyone in a better place than before? I would fight back, and just end up doing damage to myself somehow. I was probably taking this too personally, but I couldn't help it, "...I'm supposed to have her back. I'm supposed to have all of your backs. Knowing me isn't supposed to make things harder for any of you."
People called me smart. People said I was talented. People said I was a good leader. Well, why did everything I did feel like the wrong thing? Why did my best move always end up with someone on my side paying for it somehow?