(A/n: First POV from chapters 2 to 4.)
Where am I?
I wake up in a dimly lit room that feels oddly familiar. Even in the darkness, I can tell this bedroom is too fancy for a useless illegitimate child like me.
I wonder how I ended up in such a place.
"Rise and shine, young master," A young woman says. She sounds oddly like Anna but it's been five years since she disappeared.
The woman pulls the curtains apart, and the sun's rays fill the room.
This is... my bedroom?
I look around the room.
Yes. It is my bedroom. It looks just like my bedroom.
My bedroom from 10 years ago, that is.
What am I doing back in this room?
"Young master, why do you look so confused? It's as if this is your first time seeing this room," the woman giggles.
...Anna?
Who is this woman? Why does she look so similar to Anna?
No, not similar. Identical.
"Anna?" I ask.
"Who else would it be, young master?" The woman laughs.
There is no way.
I lean towards her to get a closer look, but my eyes do not betray her words. Though, she does look a little different from the last time I saw her. Younger.
A wet feeling covers my cheeks and only when I put my fingers on them do I realize.
I am crying?
I'm not a little boy. Why am I crying like this?
Is it because I am seeing Anna again? Because I thought I would never see her again for the rest of my life?
The woman who raised me, and the only person who was on my side after my failed awakening ceremony, is standing right before my eyes.
It's unreal.
Indeed, that's exactly what it is. Unreal.
This must be a dream.
I must be stressed because of the trial, so I am now dreaming of Anna to comfort myself.
I shouldn't sleep now though, I need to wake up. The forest is a dangerous place to sleep in.
I pinch my cheek.
It hurts.
...I'm not dreaming.
I'm not dreaming?
Wait a minute, I already died.
Of course I'm not dreaming. The dead don't dream.
How could I forget my own death?
That's right.
Nathan threw me off a cliff and I fell through the abyss until I violently hit the ground.
I did not expect that. My relationship with Nathan wasn't good, but I never thought he would kill me.
Even as I fell, part of me thought this was all a cruel joke and that he would fly down and save me.
But he really killed me...
I sigh, there's no point thinking about it now.
I'm dead, it's already too late to change my life.
If only I had a second chance, I would do everything differently.
Well, since I'm dead, perhaps I'm in heaven?
"Are you ready for your awakening ceremony tomorrow, young master?" Anna says, interrupting my thoughts.
"Awakening ceremony?" I reply anxiously.
Somehow, that doesn't sound like something an Angel would say in heaven.
"You didn't forget, did you? Tomorrow is your awakening ceremony, young master!" Anna hands me a small blue gift box with a red ribbon on it.
I remember this box; it had a cupcake in it.
Make sure to eat it during your awakening ceremony! It's a lucky cupcake, after all.
I really cherish that memory. I smile nostalgically at the box.
But then, I recall Nathan's words.
My mother gave you Elixinot before your awakening ceremony.
Nathan's words echo through my head.
Could it be? This was the only thing I consumed within four hours of my awakening ceremony.
Was the Elixinot in the cupcake?
I can't think of anywhere else it could have been.
Did Lady Vanessa tamper with Anna's cupcake without her knowing?
But, there's no way Anna wouldn't notice if someone added something to the cupcake...
"You will be eating with the main family today, young master." Anna smiles brightly and bows before walking out the door.
... Was she in on it?
No, it's more likely that she didn't know what it was. Anna can be quite naive sometimes.
I should focus on the more important things to think about now.
I need to figure out where I am, since this certainly isn't heaven.
Heaven wouldn't be so cruel. But where else could I go after I die?
I put on my clothes and stash the box away. I do as 'Anna' says.
I arrive at the dining hall, and a butler immediately opens the door for me.
I see Duke Blackwood sitting at the head of the table, yelling at Nathan and Natalie, who are seated to his left, as Lady Vanessa, who is seated to his right with one seat between them, tries to calm him down.
And Andrei, my eldest brother, is sitting next to Nathan, eating his meal quietly.
"Cassius!" Duke Blackwood smiles at me. I shudder. "Come sit over here, my boy." He taps the chair on his right between him and Lady Vanessa.
"Yes, Duke Blackwood," I reply as I walk cautiously towards the chair, keeping my feet on their toes. Hopefully, he won't get angry at me the way he usually does.
"Duke Blackwood? Since when did you call me that? Call me Father, like your siblings, Cassius. We are all family here."
He smiles warmly causing me to shudder again. Besides, since when were we considered siblings? He always treated me like I wasn't one of his children like the rest.
Ah, wait. That's not true.
A wave of memories from my early childhood flood my head. Actually, Father wasn't always like this. There was a time when not only did he consider me his child, but he even considered me to be above my siblings.
We would even play catch in the yard, and do other father-son activities.
He also used to call me to his meetings just so he could brag about how amazing of a son I was and about how close our relationship was.
This was a privilege held by me alone, not even Nathan got to play in the yard with father. And Nathan was Father's favorite.
No - I was his favorite.
Yeah, that's right. But it all changed that day.
A painful ache spikes through my heart. I still remember the way he looked at me after my awakening ceremony when all the love in his eyes faded away.
Back then, I didn't understand why he had changed so suddenly. I thought maybe if I trained hard and succeeded, he would love me again.
I spent the last ten years of my life trying to please this man.
But I don't think I could ever gain his love.
For one simple reason, he never loved me in the first place.
I'm no longer a naive child, and now that I am looking into his red eyes, a powerful realization that should have come a lot sooner has hit me.
His love was imaginary. A figment of my childish imagination.
Seeing him again has made me aware of how distorted my memories were.
If it wasn't for my training I don't think I would have ever noticed.
Noticed that those eyes only hold a lust for power.
I don't know what this feeling I feel right now is, but whatever it is, I am going to bury it deep into my heart and take a seat.
"Of course, Father. I'm your beloved son, after all, right?" I feign a smile, sitting down on the chair.
Father chuckles, "Of course, my boy." He pats my head. "I love you more than any other boy in the world."
I love you more than any other boy in the world
I heard those words a million times as a child.
For the past ten years, I thought I wanted to hear those words again. But now that I've heard them, I'm willing to do anything to get him to take them back.
I can only describe this feeling as wanting to shove shit down his throat, considering he throws it up so easily.
I look across the table and see Nathan eating his meal quietly.
He looks so different at this age. He looks just like he did as a child.
Next to him, I stare at his twin sister, Natalie.
She died a few years ago due to some unknown circumstances. Yet here she was, alive and well.
"What are you staring at, Casket?" Natalie whispers while glaring at me.
Wow, they really are twins. To think she made the same joke Nathan made before killing me.
Nathan looks at Natalie, who is sitting beside him, unamused before taking a sip of tea.
"What? It's funny! Cassius -> Casket. Because they both have the 'cas' and-" Natalie explains, but she goes silent when she doesn't get the reaction she expected.
It's not funny if you have to explain it, Nat.
It's ironic how Nathan looks unamused considering he made the exact same joke right before throwing me off a cliff to die.
But then again, he made the joke before killing me, not at a family gathering. Is it only funny when I'm about to die?
I am taking this calmly now, but I know from experience that it only means I will feel everything later.
I tend to enter this calm and rational state when I'm overwhelmed. I wonder how long it will take before I confront my emotions?
I think I've figured out where I am.
I suppose, being sent here was also an option.
It's not quite what I expected, though. But then again, no one said it was going to be all fire.
I heard that this place is supposed to resemble your worst memories. And this was surely the beginning of mine.
That's how I figured out where I am.
I am in hell.
Who knew the line between heaven and hell was so thin? I nearly mistook this for heaven.
Will I be doomed to repeat my worst memories over and over again unable to change anything?