A bitter taste crossed my throat as I thought back to those unpleasant memories. The little boy I was is long gone.
Consumed by a difficult childhood, filled with failure and disappointment, giving way to a self I no longer recognize.
I'm still Karl I know, but if I showed this version of myself to the little Karl who dreamed of being the main character in his novels, I don't think I'd see the pride in his eyes.
I sigh and finish my breakfast, it's been a hard night and I'm tired this morning. I dream of going back to bed for the day, but unfortunately classes are waiting for me at the university.
So I get up and carry on with my routine, sometimes feeling like a spectator of my daily life, doing things as if following a program set by someone other than myself, the plaything of an entity that delights in seeing me sink ever lower, ever further into my unhappiness.
I step out of my apartment and the freezing cold chills through my body, making my bones tingle.
I walk step by step, contemplating the majestic sky, still dark from the early hour.
I get back on the bus, and after sitting down I look at the faces of the people around me.
Dull, tired and miraculously a few smiling at their phones, perhaps a message, a phrase, a word from a loved one that has warmed their hearts.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous when I saw this, for all the time I've been looking for the slightest thing that would make me feel alive, that would give a little life in my chest, other than just those regular beats that run through me every second.
Headphones on, I close my eyes.
Aaah the music, pure delight.
A shiver runs through me, not a cold one, but a shiver that transports me, a shiver that sends me to a corner of my mind, a place that provokes in me a flight of ephemeral sensations that last, the time of an instant. A masterpiece, yes, when a human sings from the heart, when he sings with that ardor, with those words, with that message he's trying to get across, as if it were his only mission on Earth.
Yes, it's this kind of art that warms me up for a few moments before I revert to my usual coldness.
I get off the bus and take off my headphones, ignoring the others around me, I head for my classroom as I do every day.
I open my computer and start listening to the lesson, listening, listening...
...and I lose myself in my thoughts.
This final battle, yet a battle I can't win. This simple battle against myself, a battle I'm constantly losing and which sends me drifting into the depths of my mind time and time again, preventing me from living life as I should if I were normal...
The future anguishes me, my past holds me back and I think that's why the present escapes me.
"Mr Robertson, Mr Robertson please, are you with us?"
Suddenly brought out of my thoughts by a female voice calling out my surname, I refocus my gaze on the present.
The classroom stares at me with a heavy silence and the teacher stands facing me, with a gleam of annoyance in her eyes, she points to the blackboard.
"Can you answer the question posed or at least even listen to what I'm teaching you?"
I read the board, the whitish chalk writing forming a sentence I could translate as:
- What is the meaning of your life?
I smile.
Of all the questions, this is the one asked of me, the very question of every human being on this Earth, and the question whose answer I so desperately seek.
Why am I here, for what purpose and above all, am I strong enough to endure and accomplish this task.
I sigh for a moment.
"If I'd found the answer ma'am, I wouldn't be here enduring the tedium of my existence and especially the tedium of sitting in your class."
She looks me in the eyes, no doubt searching for the slightest trace of mockery or irony.
They say that the eyes are the reflection of the soul, and I wonder what she sees inside mine. Probably emptiness, nothingness, the absence of that something that animates every human being.
She sighs.
"You'll come and see me after class, Karl," she finally says, before resuming her lesson as if nothing had happened.
I nod without real conviction and stare into space again.
The bell rings in the building, announcing the end of class.
I put my things away and prepare to leave the room quickly.
"Karl! Stay here!" the teacher's voice stops me.
I sigh again, I should have been quicker.
We waited for everyone else to leave, she closed the door and leaned on the desk while looking at me.
- Karl. she called out to me firmly.
I lift my head to look at her.
- What's the matter with you?
A poker smile spreads across my face as I reply that everything's fine.
- You know you can talk to me?
I nod without saying anything else.
She sighs.
- You can go out, but don't hesitate if you make up your mind.
I turn around, open the door and close it almost hastily. I know she wants to help me get better, but a pitying look or an I'm sorry, I didn't know, won't help.
- Is Madame Chevalier free? I heard behind me.
A girl my age, perhaps, was standing there, sitting on the chairs stuck to the corridor walls.
- Yes, she is.
- Thank you, Madame Chevalier!
Surprised by her enthusiasm, I looked up to meet her gaze.
...
Time stops, darkness suddenly surrounds me, the only thing I can see in this abyss of blackness are her eyes, eyes of a blue so pure, so deep, so... so beautiful.
For the first time in my life, I'm at a loss for words, for the first time in my life, the situation escapes me.
Completely absorbed by this gaze that captures my soul, lost in this spark that crackles hesitantly inside me, like a fire, a light trying to rekindle itself in a rainstorm, which by some miracle manages to cling on for survival.
She tilts her face to the side and stares at me frozen, like a fool, with curiosity. She smiles at me one last time, before walking past me and opening the door I've just closed, and disappearing from my sight.
Its scent, reminiscent of a spring breeze, still lingers lightly in the air.
It's as if the room, the world, has lost some of its color.
I frown and shake my head.
- First the teacher and now this, what's wrong with me today?
I pick up where I left off and head for my next classroom.
And just like that, the day is over.
I sigh as I enter my apartment, turn on the gas to heat the water for my future pasta.
A blue fire bursts forth.
"Pale in comparison to his eyes.
A few seconds pass before I realize what I've just thought. I shake my head vigorously as if to rid myself of this stupid idea and forget it forever.
What an embarrassment.
Am I twelve years old to have such thoughts? Am I still a gullible little boy who lets himself be impressed by the first girl who comes along? All because she has pretty eyes? I don't think so.
- Pull yourself together.
I eat in silence before calling my mother, as I have to do every other day. She doesn't think I'm responsible enough to look after myself, I may not be normal but I'm not handicapped.
- HEY SON?" she says in a loud voice.
- Yes, no need to shout.
- How was your day at school? Did you get any marks?
And there it was, not a hello, not a word of affection, not even a how-do-you-do. Just the demand for my results, my performance, as if everything depended on that.
I'm just a tool for her to brag about if I ever perform, or a disgrace to hide if I ever fail.
- Nothing at all.
- Sure?
- Yes, and I'm fine, in case you're interested.
- Talk to me with a little more resp...
I hang up before I hear any more, disconnect my phone and lie down in bed after undressing.
Contemplating the ceiling, I gradually close my eyes and finally fall asleep, haunted by two beads of blue light.