CADE
5 Months Into The Future
It shouldn't have been like this, this is a dangerous game that I'm playing, but I can't seem to let them go.
Calvin, my Savior
and Baxter, my Daddy.
They are like a grand inferno tempting me with warmth and fiery passion While I am just a helpless moth drawn to their light,
their strength,
their warmth,
their.....
everything.
We've been stuck inside this city for who knows how long now, the researching team is slowly dwindling, from the initial 20 to now 4. The guards and support personnel we brought started with 60 members but now only 10 remain. My team, Extraction Team Alpha, also known as the "Trifecta", is now slowly losing their hope of ever escaping.
I can't bear it anymore.
The light and determination inside the eyes of Calvin is slowly dying. The fiery attitude and unwavering support of Baxter is slowing growing complacent.
Though one thing seems to be a silver lining in this hopeless situation we have. Calvin became more open about his thoughts, feelings, and opinions about people. Baxter is now growing gentler that even I am is put off by it. Though I guess I can't be putting myself aside as well, I'm also growing more.... Weird.
I can't seem to stop myself anymore. My desires.... They take hold of me stronger than what it was in the past and the worst is.... They don't mind it. My perfectly maintained image of being an untouchable, unbreakable, and egotistical bastard is now falling apart under their touch....
Their cuddles....
Their voice....
Their affirmations....
Their kisses...
No. No, I shouldn't indulge myself in this delusion.
Sure keep telling yourself that. Like that ever worked out for you.
Stupid brain! Can't even cooperate with me.
UGH!
I'm losing my mind!
Why am i falling harder. Why am i seeking their touches constantly. Why am i always searching for a sliver, just a sliver of hope that they might reciprocate my feelings.
Goddammit!
I need to be rid of this.
I need to be strong.
I need to fight this.
Tomorrow I'll show them.
Tomorrow I'll finally say no.
No more cuddles
No more needless talking
No more touching
No more...
Kisses.
Is that really what you want? Why don't you just let go, stupid. You like them, they like you. Simple as that. You're just too damn egotistical to admit you like them back.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
I need to be cold.
I need to be serious.
I need to be distant.
Yes. Distant.
I've survived the majority of my life without companionship and affection. I can survive the rest without it.
Are you sure? Isn't that why you desperately seek it in others? You put on this facade so that nobody can trample you. You delude yourself in a dream that a strong man will love you regardless of your flaws. Now that it happened, and there are two of them, why are you backing out? You are just cared of being hurt again. Scared of commitment. Scared that you'll be too attached to them that it hurts to think about what happens if they go. Just let go stupid. You know deep inside yourself that they won't leave you. Not now, now tomorrow, and not ever. They aren't like him. Let go already. Aren't you tired of playing pretend?
I guess i am tired.
I want to feel
I want to love
I want happiness
I want
Them.
Their words and actions have already messed me up beyond repair. They need to take responsibility now. Even if they don't reciprocate, I'll make them see only me.
Only Me.
They're Mine.