The next few days passed in a blur, each day busier than the previous one; managing a duchy was quite the hassle, not only having to monitor its businesses but also hearing and answering its citizens' requests. And it seemed like there was an infinite amount of those; every day, after breakfast, Janice went to one of the biggest rooms in the palace, made specifically to host these kinds of meetings, benches arranged against the wall and a throne-like chair in the center, the wooden seatback decorated with scenes of war. For the following three hours, she had to listen to dozens of complaints and act accordingly, offering money, ailments, or soldiers and sometimes just an understanding ear, giving her subjects the perception of being supported.
Some nobles might have considered that a trying chore, a waste of their mornings but she loved it: she had always been a problem solver, feeling an overwhelming amount of satisfaction in seeing things in their rightful places, like gears in a well-oiled machine. Being able to offer solutions and fix problems with a wave of her hand was like a dream come true for Janice. (Autocracy had its perks, sue her. You couldn't; it was illegal to take legal action against a ruler.)
After a quick lunch, she was off to the territories outside the main city, Ludenia, to survey the new activities that started to take place there. Monitoring the long process of trials and errors that was perfecting their dyeing technique, trying to find the perfect balance between dye and water but Janice was confident they would manage to, the artisans worked with extreme dedication, devolving all of their time and effort to the project. When they finally reached that point, Janice was ready to present their new product to the empire and welcome the profit.
Luckily for her, Haley had always been anal about worldbuilding, carefully designing every detail of her world, down to the domestic trade. It was thanks to that that she knew about the Marquisate of Belen, a land in the far North of the country, where, despite the low temperatures, mulberries managed to grow, making it the first producer of fine silk of the empire, and about the County of Eilen, famous for its cotton. They were the first regions she would turn to, trying to stipulate a contract with them and get her hands on their precious resources, exchanging them for the wheat her lands were rich in.
But that would come later, for now, her duty was to welcome the dyeing masters she had called for, coming from all the realms' corners, lured by the promise of a conspicuous payment for their services, solve fights between the workers and overall, making sure that everything ran smoothly.
And every night, exhausted, she fell asleep the moment her head touched her heavenly soft pillow. And every morning the low thrum of routine would cover the sound of any other thought.
It didn't last long. Not for Janice's lack of trying. The thing was, that at some point things simply... got done. And once they were done they didn't undo themselves and, tragically, problems stayed solved. The Duke, for all his faults, had been a fastidiously diligent administrator, not leaving much behind to solve other than debt, and even that didn't require as much time and effort now that she had calmed down the collectors paying a part of it. It was mostly a matter of waiting.
And that was the reason why the duchess found herself sitting in a gazebo, enjoying the glorious scenery that her gardens offered; the gushing of water filled her ears, the monumental fountain dominating the scenes, surrounded by colorful rose beds and white paths that led to the elegant thicket nearby. It was such a peaceful and beautiful sight in the light of dawn, the sky the same pink color as the roses, that Janice was brought to tears.
Haley would've loved it so much, her creation. She had created every single blade of grass in that park, every petal of every flower. Everything she could see was a fruit of her niece's mind, and just like her mind, it took Janice's breath away. But she would never see this and she would never get the chance to tell her about it.
She bit her lip while trying to rein back the tears; 'till that moment she had done a pretty good job at ignoring the gnawing thoughts at the back of her head, the feeling of emptiness she felt whenever she turned back and saw her vassal' kind face instead of Johnson's squared glasses. Being busy had helped, her energy completely directed at the task and her brain not allowed to idly wander. But now nothing was there to stop the flood.
She cried, for all the things she lost and for all the things she didn't even have the chance of losing, she cried for a life that, she realized more and more every day, was bleak and empty but still hers, the result of her hard work. And maybe that was what hurt more, that she couldn't do better, that that cold, empty life was the best she could achieve.
The white gravel cracked under the weight of heavy steps and Janice tried, albeit uselessly, to dry her tears, not wanting anyone to catch her vulnerable.
"My Lady, are you unwell?" She knew that voice, it was the stableman, his deep brown eyes looking at her full of concern. She mentally cursed before giving him a weak smile.
"I just..." To her horror, her voice broke in the middle of the sentence. "I'm just tired." She said, which, admittedly, wasn't a very convincing explanation for her reddened eyes and the tears that still threatened to spill at every given moment.
He sighed. "May I sit, Your Grace?" She nodded, not trusting her voice not to betray her again. "I hope not to overstep but from what I know, is much easier to confide in a stranger than in a close friend. If my Lady wished to do so, I would be willing to help her." Maybe it was his comforting, deep, voice or that she was too exhausted to put up her usual front of indifference, but nonetheless, his offer was inviting.
"It's... complicated, I don't think that anyone else would understand."
The man beside her stayed quiet, letting her take her time, while she tried to think of a way to express what she was feeling without revealing too much. "I have lost something I loved dearly and I will never get it back, it's just gone, forever and I've tried to ignore it but the truth is that I don't know how to deal with this feeling. And if that wasn't enough, I feel so alone: there's no one here that I can truly trust and I am constantly afraid to say or do the wrong thing. It's exhausting."
"When I was five my father died of the Red Illness; my mother was devasted, you could hear her cries from outside the house. I stayed in my room, not even properly understanding what was really happening; my mother was upset and so I was too. But then, a few days later, she came into my room and told me that she would start working in the doctor's office as a nurse." His gaze was absent, lost in the memories. "At first, I didn't understand why but now I work there too, two days a week, helping however I can."
"What I'm trying to say is... after the Red Illness destroyed our family, we took the chance to do something good, to take the pain and use it. The emptiness never really goes away, you will always feel like something is missing but with time you'll learn to live with it, and instead of an open wound it will become a reason to go on." He shrugged his shoulder.
"It will never go away. Honor it instead of ignoring it." She took in his words, lowering her head and fiddling with her dress.
"And... I think you're wrong, Your Grace. I understand that your position might be different from anyone's else but I don't think you are alone; I see you every day in the stables, running around everywhere. And you are always followed, by your maids, by your vassal; they admire you and they are with you, always be sure of that."
He was smiling lightly now, not daring to meet her eyes, trying to give her as much privacy as possible. He had been right, it was helpful to talk with someone like him, so calm and steady, a stranger and yet intimately familiar with the pain she was feeling. Actually, he had been right in many things.
"I still don't know your name. " Janice said, feeling a strange kind of shame realizing she had never bothered to ask for it.
" I'm Jasper, my Lady. Jasper Blythe." He bowed slightly, his body coming impossibly close to her with the action.
"Thank you, Jasper Blythe. You have been of great comfort today." She hesitated a bit, before adding. "If you ever needed something, come to me and I'll do what I can to help you. It's only fair after all."
"Your Grace is too kind." The duchess waved her hand dismissively at his words. "You can call me Juliana if you want. I think we are far past titles now." His eyes widened surprise flashing on his face. Then, his expression morphed into a pleased one and his fingers brushed against his hat "I hope you have a good day, then... Lady Juliana."
---
Janice distractedly played with the hot water, leaning her head back against the bathtub's side. "Don't ignore it, honor it."
Jasper's voice echoed in her head, his words clear in her mind. He was right, nothing would've ever erased the pain of losing her niece but she could try to bring some of her goodness into this world. She thought about what Haley might have done in her place, what cause would've caught her attention. And, suddenly, the answer flashed in the front of her mind, painfully obvious. She smiled, satisfied.
The next day she would talk to Mr. Jameson about it.