I finally accomplished my first dream...Going back to my Home country, thinking it would help me to cure me...it didn't...i still feel lost, Depressed, and unsafe...
Was it a good idea? I'm actually not so sure anymore, i feel like i'm not worth the chance i gave myself...I still feel useless, i'm a person that is very comprehensive, from the perpective of others, an emphatic, i feel everything around me, and not being able to help the one i love, It makes me angry at myself, Sad, and of course it makes me dissapointed about myself...i hate myself for this, but the one who are concerned told to stay out of it, even tho i explained them that i was emphatic and that it was difficult for me to not help...but guess i really can't do anything....nothing...i'm powerless, blocked, unsafe, not being able to move...
For a matter of fact, i was never powerfull, even if the people i love around me says otherwise, i still can't beleive them...
When i was little i always told myself i was not worth of the efforts of others, cause...simply to my eyes i felt worthless, it is still what i think of myself today...
I always thought of giving up, on everything, my parents, my brother, my cousins, my auntie that i love so much, My dreams, just thinking about giving up on those things sounds like a great gateaway, isn't it? It does really, but once again i could resolve myself to do that, cause i'm a coward, a useless piece of trash, so WHY?? WHY I CAN'T RESOLVE MYSELF TO END ALL OF THIS??
The answer is simple, i'm afrraid to die and being forgotten by all the people i love. We can even say that it is my biggest fear, being forgotten, Dying physically and Dying in the minds of the people i love the most, being turned into dust inside the Souvenirs of others.
So i have to live, to not be forgotten by the people i love, at least not now...not now....