"My passport can't freely enter Russia. Think again about pursuing a Ph.D., it takes a long time." Ye Xi, has he forgotten the oath about Mallorca? More than half of the ten years we agreed upon have passed. He once said that when more than half of the agreed time has elapsed, the day is just around the corner. Yet, he is about to abandon me again, just like he did when he handed me over to Lin Huiru. If he hadn't pushed me away, would we have drifted forever in pure love?
"...," a long silence on the other end of the phone.
"Yan Feng, shooting has started, come over quickly!"
Today is the first day of shooting for "Shanghai Lovers." A few years ago, I transitioned from being a creative singer to a multi-faceted artist, and Song Yaowen helped me a lot in this regard. Although the complex interpersonal work and financial affairs are mainly handled by Zhang Hongsheng (Yan Feng's agent), I know that a call from Song Yaowen's office is the key. With one in the foreground and the other in the background, they both arrange all my work properly, and I just need to cooperate well with the performances. Over the years, I have gradually gained more and more opportunities for cooperation. Directors from the Asia-Pacific region, even Chinese directors in North America, have reached out to me. All the shooting resources are currently the best available.
In the past, my works were mostly commercial films, made to boost the company's turnover. This time is different from before. The director of "Shanghai Lovers" is the first Chinese director to win the Berlin Golden Bear. Moreover, his award-winning work at that time, "Reverse Ridge," tells the tragedy of a homosexual couple. There are many films with LGBTQ+ themes, but they often struggle to stand out due to their limited audience. However, his work achieved this. Every time I see Jer driving alone in the continuous mountains, covered by profound darkness, tears always flow endlessly. "Shanghai Lovers" is no longer a story about same-sex relationships; it tells the story of a woman's experiences, which I cannot empathize with. I have always thought, why is she so foolish, repeatedly falling into traps for her lover, and in the end, even though she dies with clarity, is such dedication really worth it?
Working with such a warm yet brutal director, time passes sternly and clearly. Immersing oneself in the roles of the film allows one to escape the pain of reality, which is the greatest benefit of cinema. I play a scholar from the Republican era, full of ambition, dedicating everything to the revolution, unable to even save my own lover, and ultimately losing my life because of the female lead's last-minute softness. My role isn't extensive, and it's finished shooting in a few months. During these months, Ye Xi hasn't contacted me, and I haven't called him either. I don't know when I got used to his indifference towards me. Gradually, I began to feel that after the indifference, we would reconcile as before. Over time, busyness filled the gaps of time, bridging the distance between me and Ye Xi. But busyness also feels inadequate; more people fill in. Lin Huiru, Song Yaowen, younger colleagues in the company, on some nameless beds, they are like characters in a movie. After the dawn light fades away, these faces return to their usual appearances, becoming unfamiliar again. Back at the company, they greet me with smiling faces.
At the end of the year, all the filming for "Shanghai Lovers" was completed. The celebration banquet was held at the Oriental Cultural Center in New York. The lead actor, Mr. Liang, and Ms. Tang rushed over from Hong Kong to give speeches. After the speeches, behind the round table adorned with champagne, I saw Bai Jingrui. She was still wearing a black dress, but this time, she wasn't wearing a skirt. She stood next to a girl in a white shirt, her long hair cascading down like a black waterfall, neatly hanging over her eyebrows. The deep eye sockets outlined bright eyes, with pupils shimmering with a profound darkness, like moonlight salvaged from a well. They were like mirrors reflecting each other's beauty, radiating each other's brilliance. The dazzling lights of the hotel's conference hall paled in comparison to their radiance.
"Alex, Yan Feng," Bai Jingrui waved at me.
I hurried over.
"This is my partner, He Tiantian."
She said it so naturally, their radiance mirroring each other, without a hint of shyness. It was 2012, back when New York wasn't yet adorned with rainbow flags.
"...Ah, hello, hello." I exchanged the champagne held in my right hand to my left, attempting to alleviate my awkwardness with a quick handshake. I wasn't afraid that this awkwardness would be misconstrued by them as discriminatory or ill-intentioned; I was more afraid of it being exposed, being seen as one of their own.
"I've heard so much about you! I used to listen to your songs a lot back in music school. You looked handsome on TV, but in person, even more so. Really 'handsome and impressive.' Hahaha," He Tiantian laughed heartily, for some reason her cheerfulness reminded me of Li Li. Surprisingly, I understood her dialect. These were the same words Ye Xi often said to me, "Sorry, 'handsome and impressive' is a term from my hometown, meaning very 'impressive.'"
Bai Jingrui smiled as she looked at He Tiantian, her two dimples as soft as the light surrounding her.
"She's saying you're handsome," Bai Jingrui looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes, the taste of Taiwanese fermented rice wine in her words.
"Thank you, thank you! Miss He, are you from Sichuan?"
"Yes, you know the term 'handsome and impressive'? Singers like you really are linguistic geniuses," He Tiantian swirled her glass, the light of the champagne reflecting on her and Bai Jingrui's faces.
"Tiantian and you are alumni," Bai Jingrui adjusted a strand of hair that slipped from behind her ear, "Oh, by the way, she's also a fellow alum of Ye Xi."
"You know Ye Xi too? He never mentioned you to me," He Tiantian slightly lowered her head, and I couldn't quite read her expression when she said this.
"Ah, hahaha. Ye Xi and I are pen pals. Li Li came to the US for a competition, and he was there too. That's how we met. Such a coincidence!" I couldn't contain my laughter, it seemed a bit too loud.
"What are you two talking about? You seem so happy," the director patted my shoulder.
"Oh, Director An. This is Miss Bai, and this is Miss He. I guess I don't need to introduce Director An to everyone," I bowed slightly, making room for Director An.
"I know Jingrui, her father and I go way back. Thank you both for coming," Director An said.
"Oh, you're welcome. Thank you for inviting us, Uncle An," Bai Jingrui slightly bent forward, not quite a bow, but filled with reverence.
"The last time I saw you, you were still a teenager. Now you've graduated with a Ph.D., and children grow up in the blink of an eye. Yan Feng looks just like I did when I was young. When President Song (Song Yaowen) introduced you to me, I knew you were perfect for this role at first sight," Director An patted my back five times. "Jingrui, are you still freelancing in New York?"
"Yes, currently planning to do my own research, take on some writing assignments, and also some work with publishing houses. I might not be in the US next year," Bai Jingrui said, her hand resting on He Tiantian's shoulder.
"Oh, really? Where are you planning to go? And do you have time to look over the script for me?"
"Of course, I was just telling Tiantian yesterday how great the script for 'Shanghai Lovers' is. I'd rather show it to Director An than take on a commission for tens of thousands of dollars from The New Yorker," Bai Jingrui tapped Director An's glass, her voice so loud I thought the glass might shatter.
"Your advice was really good, thank you, Jingrui. In the original work, she truly is obsessed, and the ending is utterly tragic. After talking to you on the phone all night before, I felt the essence of the entire script transformed into spirit and soul. Even though the story remains a tragedy as seen by the audience, it ironically achieves a comedy for the heroine alone," Director An took a sip of champagne, "Just don't be so harsh on men next time."
"You're the one who said so. I wasn't involved in 'Reverse Ridge.' I heard that script was all your idea. You're even more ruthless than me, criticizing so blatantly," Bai Jingrui noticed Director An's glass was empty, so she fetched another glass of champagne for him.
"Shh, don't let anyone hear. You've got sharp eyes too," Director An took a small sip.
"Director An, I have a question," He Tiantian took a half step forward, one hand holding Bai Jingrui's hand and lowering her arm from her shoulder, "Are you a feminist? Or would you consider yourself a feminist?"
"Someone has asked me that question before, but I'm not a feminist. I prefer to think of myself as an advocate for the disadvantaged. For example, in my household, my wife has more say than I do; she's much stronger than me. Maybe to outsiders, she seems more like Anne, Kevin's wife from 'Reverse Ridge,' the protagonist who passed away. But I always believe that the most powerful thing in the world isn't what you achieve, but what you can endure."
"I understand. So, that's why I always see such empathy and warmth in your films, just like what the male and female protagonists experienced in 'Shanghai Lovers,'" the gleam in He Tiantian's eyes sparkled amidst the golden hue of the champagne.
"You're both wonderful. Let's enjoy the world now," Director An raised his glass, and ours clinked together.
Honestly, I didn't fully grasp what they were saying. Their language isolated me, their acquaintance referred to their own thread, which remained invisible to me. I struggled to recall the script of "Shanghai Lovers." With so much work, sometimes memories become jumbled. I never had time to understand the previous line before being plunged into another scene, forcing me to utter the corresponding dialogue. Perhaps it could be called 'her own comedy' if the female lead didn't die for the male lead. But if she didn't die for the male lead, what did she die for? What compelled her to sacrifice her life?
As I was still pondering, Director An slipped away. He Tiantian called my name three times in a row, and I didn't even notice.
"I'm going to be Ye Xi's assistant soon!"
"Hmm? Really? But won't you and Jingrui be in a long-distance relationship?"
"No, not really. I'm a freelance writer now, so I don't have to stay in the US all the time. It's convenient. Wherever Tiantian goes, I'll go. Traveling is good for my research and writing."
"Isn't Ye Xi going to Russia? What about your visa?" I tried to restrain my urgency.
"It's okay, I have a way to get a long-term visa," Bai Jingrui hugged He Tiantian's waist, as if she was feeling a bit tipsy.
That night, in that moment, I wished I could call Ye Xi. If they could be inseparable, why couldn't Ye Xi and I? If they could hold hands at public receptions, why couldn't Ye Xi and I? I thought of "Reverse Ridge." If Kevin didn't die, Jer would surely agree to his request. They could embrace each other without reservation in the mountains that belonged only to them. By then, Ye Xi and I wouldn't need busyness, wouldn't need other people. The gaps between us would be filled only by each other's embrace. But I always felt that one of us would have to make a sacrifice. We were both too smart to recklessly seek everyone's blessing in the spotlight.
Looking out from the floor-to-ceiling window of the hotel room towards the northeast, I could see the elms of Central Park. This season was the time for falling leaves, and the night lights illuminated these orange leaves, turning them into purple glow. Ever since I was little, I had heard that Central Park at night was when ghosts roamed, dragging their bodies through the park's alleys, turning into shadows by the streams. When the shadows of two ghosts touched each other, they merged into one. Later, my brother told me that it was a ghost story our parents made up to keep us from going out at night. But my brother didn't know, I had never found this story scary; I always thought this urban legend was beautiful. The night seemed even deeper that day, making me strive even harder to see the ghosts in the park. It was as if seeing their faces would make me stop envying Bai Jingrui and He Tiantian. In reality, I didn't envy them at all. Just the thought of Mr. Bai facing his daughter's rebellion made me shudder. I couldn't bear to imagine the expression on his gentle face. So, women truly act recklessly; Mr. Bai had a heart full of daring courage.
To see Manhattan's night clearly, I turned off all the lights in the room. Unconsciously, I felt like a lost soul drifting in Central Park, unable to anchor myself, only able to chance upon another soul that had lost its way.
In 2012, the screen of my phone became immensely large, and a fluorescent light flashed by the window like a will-o'-the-wisp.
"Let's break up." The only text message in months, from Ye Xi.