The muscle tissues are still sensitive around the burn so I sleep on my stomach. At least I try to. It takes several tosses and turns before I give up and slip out of bed onto the burrow hallways.
I scroll past the halls and the large rooms, looking for a place to empty the contents of my mind. At our bubble colony it was the hammock that Dior set up. Here, I find it to be the kitchen.
Most of the burrow is kept dark in the night because everyone is sleeping. With every lantern turned off, the hallways are bleak. I don't need light to see thanks to my enhanced vision but I like color. It makes me feel warm to see.
The only natural light that enters this cave is the skylight in the kitchen. It is just above the sink and is a narrow window that peers into the clear desert sky. I sit on the counter and let my feet dangle. One perk of being short is the fact that practically anything I sit on, I can swing my feet.
The sky is as beautiful as I last remembered it. The aura of the moon and stars dancing on the undulating oasis. Before I used to look up to the body of water in wonder. Now a harrowing experience ties me intimately to that mysterious void. I'd welcome the abyss anytime over the hell in the sky.
Still, it is mesmerizing to watch the rhythm of the colored lights. For hours I just sit and ponder my life. Who I have become in the last few days. Where I came from. Where I am going. The little life I used to like has now escaped me. I am left with a heavy burden to carry.
It weighs on my heart. The people I have lost. The friends I may lose in the future. What I've left behind. The pieces of memory that I have kept away from the forefront of my mind keeps resurfacing.
Death uncovered something that should have stayed hidden. Do I really believe that? Does me avoiding it make me better? Knowing the full truth is painful, but it may have been necessary.
I don't give a gory damn about that shit though. I'm still going to kill death. The thought tickles my mind. My arrogant ambition amuses me. At least I'm not as delusional as Dior.
She really is being led by a leash by these two goons we happened to stumble on in the abyss. Zara seems to be alright, but Perada is still a unsolved puzzle. That handsome devil reeks of mistrust.
I hope her dreams come to fruition one way or another. If not by the hands of the forsaken sovereign we are so blindly following, by my hands alone I will make it happen.
My jaw tightens at the thought of me rivaling the sovereign, putting up a fight with the entire world. I clench my fist to calm my nerves. The anxiety of it all is eating away at my confidence.
I don't want to revert to scared little Titus who crumpled up next to his dead mother, helpless and sobbing. I don't want to revert to the coward in the abyss that avoided ghouls and was shameful of my marking.
I have been baptized by Death, I have drowned in the oasis, I have the power of Lust in my veins; no longer am I the fearful weakling, I will become the most feared, and I will tolerate my weakness no more.
I look deep into the oasis's depths. I feel that if I were now to face Death within the crushing void of the oasis I could strip his cloak, shatter his bones, and snap his scythe in half.
I may be delusional, but it's what fuels my boldness. It's the essence of my bravery. If being a little crazy will take you a little further towards your destination, you should bite at the chance.
I hear one of the tiles shift behind me and I whirl around to face whatever made the noise. I see Tia's frightened face. I must have looked intensely murderous with the contents of my mind just prior involving me killing Death.
I relax and wave her to join me. Her frightened expression eases into a smile and she slowly makes her way over, sitting next to me on the counter.
"You couldn't sleep either?" She asks timidly.
"Yeah... last time I slept bad shit happened...."
"Do you think he suffered when he died?"
"Which one..."
"Aziel." Her voice breaks when she utters his name.
He was a father to us all. Even in his robotic monotone, his kindness and care was a warm shelter against the harrowing abyss. He was the founder of the android rebellion and freed so many to prolong the good cause even outside of the peaks.
"I know that... he knew you guys were left in good hands." I say, unsure of my words.
I'm trying hard to sell a lie to comfort her and she sees right through me. We're three years apart in age but her mind has always been brilliant in social ques.
"Do you think we'll meet him in heaven?"
"What?"
"Heaven... I heard that the dwellers of the peaks believe in a paradise that good people go to when they pass. Do you think us lowly coasters will have a place there too?"
"I uh... I don't know if..." I'm at a loss for words, not sure where to direct the conversation to, "I'm not sure about a lot of things Tia... but if heaven was real, I know damn sure that you'd be there. And Aziel. And Dior. And Aki. All of us. Everyone we ever lost."
"...and you too?" She flashes me a cute warm smile.
"I... hope so..." I look away to hide the grim expression on my face. I don't want to talk about heaven anymore.
The afterlife has always been a distant thought in my mind. Far away, high above the peaks, way beyond the oasis, among the stars lies heaven. Where the good souls go. I've only ever known hell here on this planet.
If I knew of a way to get to such a place from here I'd storm it and demand answers. So much innocence and love torn to shreds by the harsh nature of our corrupt world. All for some paradise to be locked away until death comes to retrieve your weary soul.
We stare up at the skylight window for a moment, not saying a word. Silently reminiscing the deeply imbedded trauma that we share from our past experiences.
"Tito and I overheard that you guys are leaving tomorrow."
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell us? Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?"
I look at her, shaking my head. Her eyes are full of sorrow. She must feel abandoned, left in the dark of the much larger world that Dior and I now know of.
I debate in my mind what to tell her, how much of the burden that I carry in my heart she should have to bear.
The information I know, won't be of use to her. It will only bring down her peace of mind, nothing good will come of it.
I bring her in for an embrace and gently pat her head. Her tears start pouring and they soak my shirt. Her tiny fingers pull at my pendant, she clutches onto to it. I hope it brings her the same comfort it brings me.
She never had a mother. Most of the orphans haven't. Although my story is tragic, I at least have fond memories to cherish of my mom, and a gift that I can cling to in her absence. These kids have nothing.
The salty fluid stings my burns but I stay still, allowing myself to be her pillow to cry into.
She's always been a delicate kind spirit. The heart and soul of our colony. Her cooking was ass. A lot of what she was teaching the kids in the craft room was questionable as well.
But the soul filling laughter that embodied our kids at the bubble was all due to her heartfelt spirit living among them.
"Tia... we're leaving for you... for Tito, for Aki, for all of us. This is much bigger than a goodbye, it's a promise to give you guys the best life." I say as she continues to cry on my shoulder.
We stay like this for a moment, until her sorrow passes and her breathing slows, leaving her body limp. She's fast asleep, drained of energy from a good hardy cry.
I carry her back to her bed and tuck her in. Aki and Tito both rustle in their beds beside hers; they all stay in the same room.
They squint their eyes in the dark to see me carefully tucking her in.
I'm sure they can see my tear stained face. I had shed a few on the way back to her room, reminiscing our times together as children.
Back when life was peaceful and serene, all of us so innocent and ignorant to the horrors of this world.
One look into their eyes and I know that they know. This is our goodbye. It isn't filled with shared words of kindness and inspiration. No sentimental hugs or kisses.
Just a nod. A smile. A look of admiration, affection, and hope that we will see each other again.