I park in the public garage across from the ugly-looking city hall and sit in my car for a while,willing myself not to breakdown completely and sob. I stare out the car's window to the street. Couples stroll along the street,hand in hand,shoulder to shoulder,occasionally giggling, chuckling, in love, probably headed to watch a Twins game somewhere down the street.
I close my eyes and allow my mind to drift for a moment,wishing that was me in their place. Walking down the street,holding hands with the man I love,giggling, chuckling, in love.
Suddenly I feel the sting of tears behind my closed lids. Shit,why do I have this overwhelming urge to cry? Is it because, deep down, I know I can't ever have what those people in the street have:peace,love,quiet,stability and happiness?Or is it because me visiting Zoe this morning made me feel like I had way far more responsibilities in this life than any other girl my age? Perhaps its because i'm feeling sorta trapped? Well,with a little stepsister who's heart is about to give up on her,and with no money to help out,one is surely supposed to feel trapped, right? So why then are my tears so persistent? I know love and relationships aren't for me. I'm simply not good at them. I simply can't manage a relationship with everything going on in my life. Besides,I have never known love or affection all my life. My mother decided that I wasn't worth of her time and attention from when I was younger than Zoe,choosing to show the love and affection meant for me to men out there that eventually never appreciated her offer,much less reciprocate it. No wonder I would never trust a man to love me. Surely, with the amount of garbage I come with,no man would surely even try to look at me twice. Because loving me would mean he has to deal with an over emotional wreck that i'm. It would mean inheriting Zoe's heart problems, the heavy burden that i can feel pressing down on my shoulders. No man would want that. Randy,my mother's seventh husband already made that clear.
I open my eyes and they are there,more couples ambling down the street,happy. And now the tears fall. Hot,unrelenting tears flawing seamlessly down my cheeks. I let myself cry this time. For the things I wish I had but know I could never have. For feeling trapped and helpless. For my fucked up family,My irresponsible,free spirited mother, for Zoe,lying there on the hospital bed,her face as pale as a piece of white,typing paper. Still, I can't believe I'm crying. I have always thought I was stronger than this and was capable of controlling my emotions,until now. The last time I cried was when my mother had made me completely shave my red hair and made me go to school with my bald head glinting in the unyielding sun. I overheard a fellow kid at school making fun of me to his friends,saying how my head looked like a little,round and smooth...never mind. That was the last time I remember crying. I was nine,now I'm twenty three,and the stupid tears are baffling to say the least.
When I'm done, I dry my eyes and pop the door. I cross the street, walk huskily around City Hall,marvelling once again at its unbelievable ugliness. Past the Hennepin County Government Center,across another street and reach my destination:The Canterbury park. Here I can make some money-there are so many casinos,but it's the horse racing that interests me the most. I've been here before,. For fun. Today is different.
My bladder feels like its about to burst,and I walk hurriedly into the Canterbury building,looking for the washrooms.
When I have taken care of my bladder, I amble over to wash my hands and involuntary stare at my reflection in the mirror at the top of the sink.
A red haired girl stares back at me,her big,blue eyes now red-rimmed from crying,her entire face covered in a milk way of tiny freckles. The tiny dots that have been responsible for my low self esteem and lack of confidence for as long as I can remember. I have always wished that my face was as smooth and unblemished as Bella's,or some other girl's I meet on the streets,maybe then I would wake up and face the world more confidently,safe and comfortable in my own skin.
I sigh inwardly,tucking a stray tendril of bright red hair behind my ear and turn to exit.
Outside,the weather is getting better by the minute. Later in the day,it would warm up a little bit,before getting real damn cold in the late evening,or so the weatherman on television had said.
I scan the deck,looking for familiar faces. When I find none,I walk up the aisle to the top of the grandstand and gingerly take the stairs down to the blacktopped patio. Finding a bench that is directly opposite the tote board and a short distance from the dark soil of the track,I sink onto it and place my racing form beside me. There,I'm all set. It's just before the second race. Now,how do I do this?
I turn my head,frowning,looking toward the building,thinking about betting windows. And I spot him. Liam Greyson,the heart-stoppingly good looking, stinking rich, CEO of Greyson Mills. The familiar face I was looking for on the deck. The man who indirectly but ultimately,signs my paycheck.
I secretly ogle at him as he eases gracefully down the stairs from the grandstand,talking conspiratorially with Bruce Thompson,a heavy,dark haired member of the advisory board back at the company headquarters. Liam is in a black leather jacket,blue, faded jeans and black boots. Not in his customary sharp,grey suits,office shoes and Paisley ties. In the leather jacket, jeans and boots,he should look intimidating,like some motorcycle gang member or something. Well, he does look intimidating,But Boy,does he look hot? Really hot and really young.
I take my time to drink the gorgeous man in as they amble down the stairs,occasionally turning to whisper something to his companion,to listen,to laugh.
They push through a small crowd of people at the bottom of the stairs and find a place to stand and continue their conversation. Must be talking about the looming merger,I think. Eight months from now,Liam's company will be acquiring another huge,agricultural products company from Wisconsin. The rumour floating around is that The Galaxy Agventure Inc. in Wisconsin is about to go under,and Greyson Mills advisory board recently okayed the acquisition of the company. There is definitely going to be casualties when the merger will be eventually effected. Some high ranking executives from both companies might lose their jobs,especially those whose departments are performing poorly. Anyway,there is a lot of fear floating around Liam's company headquarters, and I suspect at the other company too.
Then,Liam's pretty face turns and he looks my way,catching me watching him. I can feel our eyes touch,and my heart rate goes up a notch as a result. My cheeks flush bright pink and I drag my gaze away from him,embarrassed. I stare down at my racing form for a while,deciding not to look in his direction anymore. But the urge is too much,and I risk another glance. Only to find him still looking back at me,and for some reason,I can't look away.
They are standing two sections over from me. I can't read his expression from here,but he's paying little attention to what the board member is saying,concentrating on me instead. I'm flustered.
Liam Greyson, the most handsome man I ever laid my eyes on,the owner of the fourth largest agricultural products company in the country,staring at me. No! That can't be. People like him only get interested in extremely beautiful, rich and classy women like the slender blonde he rolls with,what's her name? Gianna?
My heart accelerates even more as we stare at each other. Why can't I stop looking at him? I Should stop,now. I do. I finally gather enough will to drag my eyes off him and train them forward. That's when I see it. The tote board. He'd been trying to read the tote board all along,and here i was thinking he was ogling me. How foolish of me? Disappointment is swift and sharp,and my cheeks flush a second time today.
So assuming of me? He wouldn't even know me,despite the fact that I work at his company headquarters,much less stare at me. I'm so small and irrelevant at work. I don't even have a particular job that I do,just assisting here and there when the opportunity shows up. I have never even come close to him the whole three months I have worked there. I only know him in that vague way one knows Bruce Thompson is a member of the advisory board.
The thought that he wouldn't even recognize me makes me feel safe for a moment. Because if he did,then,he'd know that I'm one of those employees with little value to the company. Dead weight that his company carries,and might decide to do away with me. I couldn't risk that. Not with Zoe looking up to me to save her life.
That feeling doesn't last long,because when I steal another glance at him,our eyes lock.
Shit. This has nothing to do with the tote board,he's looking at me. I can feel the intensity of his glare from here. He knows me. I must get the hell out of here,go place my bet or something.
Resolutely dragging my eyes away from his gaze,I stand on shaky feet and wander toward the building,thinking about the horse I should bet on to win.
Three horses,Apollo,Snow globe and war emblem have had strong races in the past couple of weeks,but there's this new horse, Flying Ebony,brought in from...I don't know, wherever, he'd finished fifth in his last race.
I bite my lip,working it over in my head,and finally decide to go with my favourite horse-Gallant Fox. I walk to the betting window and push my money across the counter,"two bucks on Gallant Fox,to win," I say,enthusiastically.
When I return and sit at the end of the bench,I can see Liam and the board member at the corner of my eye. They are still engaged in their conversation. I marvel at his unconsciously, dignified posture. At how he always seems posed,his limbs simply falling into arrangement. His confidence,the air of sophistication that surround him. Even though I doubt he is always aware of it.
Then he moves, and I have to crane my neck to look. He has turned and is shaking the board member's hand,saying something, smiling pleasantly at him. The board member turns with a smile of his own and starts up the stairs, leaving. Liam turns my way and begins walking toward me,his hands casually stuffed in his jeans pockets.
Holy hell!He's now so close. He's walking in his usual, confident manner, so sure of himself. He has unruly, dark brown hair that make ones fingers itch to touch and feel,intelligent grey eyes,an average nose with semicolon nostrils at the end,a well trimmed stubble along his strong jaw,and I would bet,when naked, an athletic body to die for. And shit,he's almost here. Is he seriously going to initiate a conversation? Oh God,why can't I stop staring at him? His overwhelming good looks maybe?
For the hundredth time today,I force my uncooperative eyes to look away. I stare down at my hands on my lap,my nerves suddenly resurfacing, making me fidget.
When I look up,he's standing beside me,and I have to look a long way up to find his face. He's tall,and hot. Mind-blowingly,hot.
"I thought I ought to get close to the board and have a better look," he says nonchalantly when he notices that I'm staring at his face. Damn,his voice. It's like dark chocolate on a hot night. He smiles,revealing a row of straight white teeth. Oh my,he's so,so cute.
He's interested in the tote board,though. He wasn't ogling me. The realization is relieving and disappointing at the same time. My eyes shoot to where they'd been standing with the board member, and sure enough,one wouldn't get a good look at the tote board from that position.
I smile back automatically, nodding.
"Of course," I say, pleased that my voice doesn't falter. Before I know it,one of his strong hands is stretched out toward me.
"Liam Greyson," he offers politely.
I scoot up, I have to be polite, I remind myself. After all,he might not know it but he's my boss.
He's taller than me,and I have to tilt my head back a bit to look at his face. He looks amused,a ghost of a smile playing at his full,kissable lips.
His hand is a little caroused when I take it, a little rough and strong. Not like I had expected the hand of a CEO who works behind a desk to be. An electrical buzz runs up my arm at the contact. I retract my hand hastily, embarrassed. Why does he have such an unsettling effect on me?
Feeling overwhelmingly uncomfortable, I flash him a timid smile and sink back down on the bench,wondering idly what other work he does when he's free from office work.
"And you are?" he queries as he sits beside me on the bench,pulling my stray mind back to the moment.
I was so enthralled by him i didn't even say my name. Great.
"Letty Summer," I offer,nodding again and plastering another smile on my face,hoping to hide my nervousness.
I stare at his face,searching for any hint of recognition, but his impassive expression gives nothing away.
He nods finally, flashing another heart-warming smile. "That's a great name,Letty," he says. I flush. Crap. Just the way my name rolls off his tongue, makes a shiver run through my body.
He's quiet for a beat,his intense gray gaze leaving me,much to my relief, as he stares toward the track,across the oval to the six furlong starting gate. The jockeys are pressing their horses toward the back of the gate and the crowd is starting to drift down the patio headed to the finish line.
He turns suddenly, smiling at me,and I stop breathing. Damn,I wish he would stop doing that. His smile is so, so distracting.
"You have a horse for this race?" He asks.
"Er...yeah,i got two bucks on Gallant Fox," I reply,unsure of myself.
His smile disappears, his grey eyes narrow, and he looks at me like he's trying to read some puzzle. "Goddamnit Letty!" He says in exasperation, "You are risking two dollars to get back two dollars and fifty cents if he wins,and he won't win,not unless something weird happens."
I stare at him,my mouth falling open. This is a bet,surely, he can't know. I'm about to tell him that, but I can't find my voice fast enough with him staring at me like he's doing now,and he beats me to it.
"Look," he points out,"If you don't know how to play,Letty,I can help you."
Help me?Who said I needed help?How does he know which horse is gonna win, anyway? Why is he so assuming and controlling? I gaze at him some more,incredulous.
"Go wheel Flying Ebony with the other nine horses,with whatever money you've got, and you will win,trust me" he advises.
"Uh...this is maiden,you can't really tell..." my voice is small,like a child's.
"It's up to you,if you want to bet. Flying Ebony is gonna win," he says,matter of fact. He's so sure of himself, so arrogant and so controlling. I frown and stare off in the space, thinking.
I really need the money,badly. His arrogance aside,he might be right. He might be a control freak, but he sure knows how to make money. The fact that he has a ocean of it is enough testimony to that.
"Excuse m-me," I stutter abruptly, wanting to get away from him even if just for a second. It's really hard to think when I'm so close to him. I shoot up from the bench and hurry inside to the nearest betting window.
When I return, he's sprawled on the bench and he sits up to make space for me. "You bet?" He asks expectantly.
"Yeah. I wheeled Flying ebony with the other horses. A hundred each way. I have nine hundred riding,"I say. Though I don't tell him If I lose,I'll be broke and Bella will have to support me financially the whole of the remaining time to the end of the month. We sit in an awkward silence for a while as the first of the horses is led into the back of the gate and locked. I settle back.
"So,why are you so sure about Flying ebony?" I ask tentatively.
"It's a tip from a friend," he gestures up in the direction of the stairs,craning his neck to look after Bruce Thompson,who is nowhere to be seen. "A guy walked into a horse parlor a while ago in Washington and bet twenty thousand on Flying Ebony to win. Somebody knows something."
"Jesus Christ!" I mutter,astonished by the amount. "So,why would he finish fifth in his last race?"
"She," he corrects.
"Flying Ebony's a she?" I ask.
"Yep,and she's new,brought in from Oklahoma. I don't know why she finished fifth though,maybe the jockey was dragging his feet,"he explains,shrugging. The tote board flickers and the odds on Flying Ebony goes up from twenty three to one to twenty five to one.
Across the track,the last horse is led into the back of the gate and locked,and there is a short pause before the gate bangs open and the booming sound of the announcer is heard from the press box:"Okay,they are all in line,and they take off. Flying Ebony swerves on the outside,followed by The Gallant Fox...."
Flying Ebony runs away from the rest,leading the pack toward the turn, along the bottom of the stretch and she's still in front as they cross the wire,winning. We are all on our feet,cheering.
"Holy cow,i won!" I exclaim reverently. Turning, i find Liam there. He's on his feet,grinning lazily down at me. "Told you," He mouths. His grey eyes are glinting with amusement.
He takes a single step toward me, spreading his arms, and I can't help my carefree laugh. Throwing caution to the wind,I launch myself into his embrace. He lifts me so effortlessly off the ground and we swirl around,my body flush against his,my breasts smug against his hard chest.
"Oh my God,I won," I gush as he finally sets me back on my feet. The moment my feet touch the ground, i stare fixedly at the tote board, my lips moving silently, pretending to be calculating. In real sense, i just don't want to look in his direction,afraid that he's going to see the flush that i can feel quickly creeping up my neck to my cheeks.
I hear him clear his throat, and I look. He seems to have recovered himself, and his expression is unreadable.
"You ought to quit now," he advises, "the rest of the races are junk,it will be difficult to figure them out."
I nod,unable to find my voice.
He thrusts his long fingered hand at me once again and I take it,feeling that odd current buzz through me again. "Until we meet again,Letty," he says,and it sounds like a promise,or a challenge. He smiles his dazzling smile at me one more time and turns to leave. My eyes instinctively follow him,glued to his broad back as he graciously saunters toward the building and disappears inside. I let out a heavy breath that I didn't even know I had kept inside of me. Shit,i shouldn't have done that,and damn,his scent, so fantastic,still in the air around me. And holy crap! I won twenty five thousand, two hundred and fifty bucks.
Bella is walking on the street toward her car when I pull up at the apartment building. She looks stunning as usual,in a blue, pencil skirt that hugs her curves so nicely,black pumps and a black wool jacket over a pink shirt. Her long,blond hair is caught in a ponytail. She looks to be in a hurry,late. She halts and waits when she sees me.
I pop the door and walk to her.
"Letty,thank God you showed up. I gotta head over and open the shop." She says as she hugs me tightly. "How's Zoe?"
I sigh,"she's bad,getting worse. The doctor says I should find money and transfer her to a better hospital in London."
She leans back,pulling away and holding me at arms length. Her brows knit together,"London?" She's confused.
"Yeah,London," I say and i want to get off this topic before tears start flowing again. "I'll tell you all about it later. In the meantime, I went to the horse track and I won,big," I say,suddenly giddy and light.
Her brown eyes light up. I know her well enough to know that she is about to extract all the details about Zoe and my winning right here and now,late or not. I shoo her away,afraid that she might get too late to open the flower shop. It's already past two pm,when the shop is supposed to open on Sundays. "We'll talk all about it later,go,or you will be late. I don't want your boss getting pissed at you the second time this week."
"Oh,sure, i better go. I made lunch. I'll see you when I get back,honey," she leans in and pecks my cheek,then stares at me fondly for a moment before turning to leave. "see you then," she throws over her shoulder as she pops the door on her car.
When she's gone, I go inside and eat lunch,flipping through the television channels, then take a nap.
The phone rings sometime later,jostling me from my sleep. I reach over to the bedside table and pick it up,staring at the caller ID:Ivy,from the HR office. I punch the call button:"Yeah?" I croak,then clear my throat,"Ivy?"
"Letty."
"Yeah?"
" Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, but something came up,"she says.
"Tell me..." I say,impatiently.
"Well,it's Sofia and Jack, you knew they were in love?"
"Yeah,I did," I answer. Sofia is Liam's PA and Jack is his driver. Everyone at Greyson Mills knows they are in love.
"Does everyone know?" Ivy asks,more to herself than to me,and I impatiently nod at my cell phone.
"Anyway,Sofia isn't available, she's on maternal leave,so is Jack,on paternal leave. They're having a kid. The CEO needs a part-time PA and a driver. I couldn't think of anyone else more capable to do both. He's travelling on official duties starting tomorrow, and he asked for you, specifically, by the way," she explains.
"Shit," I mumble.
"Excuse me?"
As soon as I end Ivy's call and place the phone back at the bedside table,it pings with a message from Bella,saying that she might get late,that Brian,her boyfriend,has picked her from work and they're going out for drinks, and that I don't have to bother making dinner since she would be coming with takeout food.
I edit a quick reply telling her that it was okay and that she should take care of herself,and return the phone back at the table.
I flop back on the bed,thinking about her. She had it so simple when it came to finding and maintaining relationships. Jumping in and out of them all the time. Not like me.
For the first time in my life,I start to feel lonely and unlucky. I find myself wishing I was like Bella,with that impulse gene when it came to men. That gene that was so mercilessly denied to me. But one played the cards he or she was dealt,right?
I close my eyes and sleep the sleep of the righteous, dreaming of intense gray eyes and running horses.