Close your eyes, take a deep breath and try to feel everything around you and try to answer this question.
Why I exist in this world, what is the secret of my existence, if I die or live, will this make a difference in this big world?
The depth of the oceans, the vastness of the forests, the sky that has no end. Will I find a place for myself one day, or will I remain stuck in the middle of this question, without an answer, until I perish... to be nothing and without anything..
Does it bother you to think this way??
This is what is always on my mind. Everything I did in my life was searching for a sufficient answer to it. I am stuck in the middle of darkness. I do not know when I will see the light in it.. But what I was always afraid of was whether I was in fact a good person or a merciless oppressor.
Is obtaining your rights from those who are unjust despite their intentions considered cruelty and a transgression of boundaries? ... I had to use something beyond what they had to overcome them
This is the only way to get what was stolen from you
To run over those who are less powerful so that you will not be trampled on. No matter how much life tries to deceive you in order to appear fair, in reality it is extremely unjust. It always remains with the strongest and does not have mercy on the lives of the weak and those who have no power or strength.
(Adam Nishimura) This is me... but I still do not know whether I was a follower of Satan or one of those who tried to obtain their salvation by atonement for their sins.. I am only sure of my name.
Quiet tears, a tender heart, warm features... This is how I always imagined my mother as the last memory of her in my mind... But what consoles me is that my face looks exactly like hers. I have comfortable, childish features, no matter how old I am, and big eyes with a lens as black as a puppy, and skin as white as pale as cotton. I see. I always look at her whenever I see my face in the mirror, and I also have a very tender heart just like her. I think she gave me her heart before she left this world.
Yes, I am smiling now. I smile every time I
think of my mother
But what saddens me most is that I do not have a mother. I grew up in an orphanage since I was only a few days old. I am also amazed, who is that woman I was talking about at the beginning??.. A distorted question to which I have no answer. It really makes me feel sad.
Day after day, year after year, nothing changes except my complete feeling of loss. Who am I? I want to find myself. I want an answer to every question stuck in my damned head.
Autumn 2000, Japan, Tokyo...
It was a very rainy day and the temperature was below freezing. It was the day I left the orphanage. Today I turned 18 years old, and the law in this home requires me to leave at this age. I was very attached to the place, not because I love it, but because I am afraid of what is unknown, as I do not know anything about it. This world changed its name.. I was satisfied to stay despite the treatment of (Mama) * the nanny inside the orphanage * and the bad manager. I can bear it, I am used to it, but I do not want to face the outside world alone. I was very afraid to the point of death, even though I passed the university admission test, I... I have not been happy with it at all. Since then, the feeling of fear began to spread inside my mind little by little, as if I was just a foolish coward with no personality.
Although I hate leaving, it is inevitable, something that happens against my nose.
My friends gathered around me and nothing came out of their mouths other than the exhausting words of farewell that they said to everyone who was leaving the orphanage. I did not feel very sad, as I had not formed strong friendships with anyone. I always felt that I had to stay away from them as much as I could, because I did not want to become attached to anyone. Something is disturbing me and hurting me internally. I don't know if the feeling of loss is what I was afraid of?
Female footsteps are approaching little by little, heading towards the dormitory. The door is moving and opening slowly...
My eyes were distracted, looking at all corners of the dormitory. Thoughts of fear penetrated my mind and my breathing quickened. My heart almost jumped out of place. I am now truly afraid. I wish I had a mother to return to. I do not want to end up in the street.
I started hearing a voice calling me over and over again
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, why are you so distracted, my child?
Suddenly I realized that she was (Mama), *the nanny inside the orphanage*
She smiled in front of me with a smile full of fakeness, saying:
_ are you ready? Your life's journey has just begun. Come on, pack your things quickly so we can go out together. I will accompany you to the door, and I have a surprise for you as well.
I felt strange at the time, what did she want to surprise me with? It was not in her nature to be gentle with her style and words. This was annoying.
I answered her while stuttering from stress.
Adam: _ H H Yes, I have prepared everything. I will come with you now (Mama)...
(Mama) began to be filled with happiness as if she had won a lottery prize.
_So excited it seems I'll tell you while we're on the road.
I carried my luggage and stood next to her and we started walking.
It was a strange feeling. What is happening now? I turned my face towards her and faked a smile and said to her.
Adam: Mom, come on, tell me what surprise you want to tell me?
Mama approached me and put her hand on my cheek and said: Mama:
_ I knew that you would be something great that would benefit us one day.
At that time, I did not understand what she meant or was trying to tell me.
I remained silent and continued walking with her while looking at the alley of the house in which I had lived since I became aware. I did not know what I was feeling. Was it the feeling of nostalgia that I had always thought about and whose terms I had read in books as well..
As soon as we reached the exit door from the house, (Mama) stopped walking and a serious expression appeared on her face, saying to me
_ Mama: You have been accepted into the Faculty of Psychiatry, and men from the home came to take you to the psychiatry student dormitory at the university where you were accepted.
I was not happy at all, but I was very afraid. My eyes filled with tears against my will and I began to cry, saying to her while holding her shoulders tightly.
Adam: I don't want to leave. Please let me stay here. I am ready to give up my studies and continue working without pay inside the house.
She removed my hands from her shoulders, and her facial features changed to very frightening ones. She became aggressive and rained down all kinds of hurtful words on me, saying:
_Mama: We have no need for a bastard like you working with us here. You must go with them now and never show your face to me again.
I didn't expect much from her at first, but I didn't want to hear that word from her. I hoped that she would love me even a little, but after hearing what she said, I really hated her with all my heart.
I removed my hands from her and went with the men and they put me in the car. Even if they want me to go to hell, I will do it, because I no longer want to stay in a place that brings me together with a woman like this anymore.....
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