After leaving the vita'o yard, I headed for the church. I should have returned to the training grounds, but what Ahmi said to me weighed heavily on my heart, and I needed some time alone with my thoughts.
Was she right?
I passed through the market. One woman, a native, held an infant in one arm as he suckled her breast; her yellow eyes looked me up and down and she smirked. Other women looked my way, but I couldn't look back.
Not now.
Outside the church, I had a passing thought to pick one of the guavas from the overgrown tree in the grounds, but the thought of food made me want to throw up.
I noticed that the money I'd left for the tithe was gone, but the book of Scripture remained unmoved, with the same black mold spots creeping up along the white pages as before. I thought to perhaps pick it up and turn to the passage that reminded me that lust was the deadliest of sins, that told me to run away from temptation, and further flagellate myself in penitence for my disgusting conduct.
I didn't need to; Father had made me memorize that verse.
So I found a spot on the floor that didn't have a pool of water from the rain earlier and sat, leaning my back against the crumbling wall.
Alone.
Overhead, the vine that crept through the opening high up on the far wall sent out thin, yellow tendrils to grasp at the empty air, and I wondered how such a fitting example of my mind could have found itself here with me.
So cluttered were my thoughts that I could scarcely tell which ones to ignore.
Was she right?
She was right, wasn't she?
It was that night over dinner at the Lake of Doom. Miyani had joined us. Her eyes followed the banter. Her cheeks, her nose, her broad mouth ensnared me. Her beautiful neck. Her muscled, chiseled shoulders. Her cropped, white, pixie-cut hair, her cute ears, her soft lips enchanted me. Her smile felt so natural, so pure. I remember thinking, here was a girl… a woman… in the heart of death's grasp and yet so full of life, and I obsessed over her.
I'd thought it was what I said to her the moment we'd arrived at Carthia, but it wasn't words at all. It was my gaze. My look offended her.
Never in my life had I considered that my eyes alone could be so offensive. The simple matter of where I put them was the problem. And, thinking back, it wasn't just Carthia. Oasis saw me looking at her. Anyanna saw me looking at Oasis. Sarina saw me looking at Guenevieve, and Mebibi saw me looking at Alys. How many more? Saewi saw me looking, and that put her off such that she preferred to spend the night talking with Geraln over me.
How many more?
Miyani caught me looking at her. I hadn't looked away. At first she looked away. At someone else. Then she looked to the other side, only to bring her eyes back on me. She met my eyes with her own for what felt like an eternal moment frozen in time, then turned around to look behind her only to check me once again. At length she lowered her gaze to somewhere in her lap, wiped her brow, fixed a lock of hair behind her ear, and glanced back up at me and I swore I saw her give me a sheepish smile before I finally broke my gaze.
And now with everything Ahmi said to me, I saw it all for what was truly going on.
She saw me staring and felt uncomfortable, and I kept staring. I should have picked up on that. She didn't have the words to tell me to leave her alone; she shouldn't have needed to. I should have seen how uneasy I'd made her feel and looked away. Instead…
"You're cute."
God, how could I have been so stupid?
Did I even see her?
Did I not reduce her to her body, her face, her bare skin? And that was all I allowed myself to see in her. I couldn't be bothered to see the unease I'd put her in.
I hated myself.
I hated myself for making her feel that way.
I hated myself for putting her in that position.
I lusted after her. I sinned.
This was why God commanded chastity. I liked to console myself with the idea that I was obedient on that, but was I? Truly? Beyond all the girls I'd played edge-games with, which by itself ought to disqualify me from chastity, I lusted.
I'd missed the point of chastity entirely.
I never stopped to appreciate the relationship.
I had to do better.
Control my gaze.
Control my thoughts.
Control my stupid, stupid mouth, behave myself and stop acting like a fucking animal.
Maybe then Sarina could forgive me.
"Hello?"
It was a woman. A native woman with the same dark-green skin who'd let her white hair fall before her shoulders to dangle just above her… chest. She was dressed as they all dressed. Her loincloth consisted of a red silk rectangle with a black circle pattern in the center and tiny black tassels to decorate the edge that hung down to her knees. She stood in the doorway, otherwise naked, as they all were.
I lowered my eyes. She was gorgeous; I wished I hadn't noticed. I had to stop noticing these things.
"Question I uh… at you," she pieced words together in the same accent Ahmi used, though her voice was low like soft velvet. "Was put you money at the… uh… place?" She pointed at the shelf on the opposite side of the room.
"Yes, that was me."
She smiled and sighed. "Please forgive you me, uh… sorry. I'm sorry. Was take my son money."
I waved it off. "It's fine."
"No," she shook her head and stepped her bare feet towards me. "Bad take my son money. Uh… no is he… his money. Bad. I'm sorry. Pay I you…" she looked down at a small pouch hidden beneath the front flap of her garment.
I stopped her before she could take anything from it. "Please don't."
"Why?"
"It's fine, truly. God guided your son here because He wanted him to have it. OK?"
She looked left, then swung her eyes around and looked right before fixing them back on mine. I noticed how she watched my eyes closely. I could have looked her over, drooled over her figure, and she'd have seen that—seen my disrespect. "No falcon god you?"
That made me smile a little. "No… Yes and no. Uh, no, but not entirely no, if that makes any sense."
"No and yes… means maybe?"
"Maybe. Let's go with that."
"Eh…" She smiled and nodded on each word, "what… is… your… name?"
"Caleb. Caleb of Gath. You?"
"taŋi!"
"Tani?" I said.
At that, she crouched low and joined me on the floor, sitting beside me with one leg stretched out and her other knee up to support her elbow. I fought the urge to study her soft skin, inches from my face. I couldn't. I ended up looking away and staring at my feet instead.
Sarina.
How many times had she tried to tell me?
"Howmuch like you Carthia?"
"It's different. Not what I'm used to."
Tani rested her hand on my arm and leaned in close. "Say you what uh… most like?"
"Hmm," I said. "What do I most like about Carthia?"
Some hours ago I'd have said the juvenile thing—that women felt free to dress comfortably in the sweltering heat. I was wrong to appreciate that. "I'm… I don't know yet. Still new."
She pursed her lips and looked up in thought. "Uh… like you food?"
That made me chuckle a little. "You know, I'm told it's good, but so far all I've had is the grainy slop they give us soldiers. I don't know anything else."
She giggled lightly and set her eyes on mine. I had to fight the urge. "Need try you. Very is good. Show I you… maybe?"
I studied her handsome face; she smiled wide. "I'm sorry, Tani, but may I ask? Do you feel… warm… to me?"
She tilted her head slightly and studied my face further. "Warm? Eh… is mean hot? Is cold your home. Need dress you like this!" she lifted up a flap of red silk to show off her loincloth.
"No!" I laughed. "What I mean is… are you flirting with me?"
"Flirting!" she smiled and her eyes opened wide.
"Never mind," I looked away. "Don't answer that. I'm sorry, stupid question. Please don't answer that. I wish I hadn't asked. It's a stupid question. I'm so sorry…"
She let out a playful huff and leaned in close, smiling wider. "Why stupid? Why say you this?"
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, very slowly, closing my eyes as I counted out the number of ways I had been—and continue to be—a complete shit. "I'm struggling. I grew up, I thought one thing meant something, and now I'm grappling with all of it. I used to think I could tell these things, but now I think that I was wrong. Just… wrong. How am I supposed to know when a woman is flirting with me and when she's just being friendly? I feel like I've always gotten it wrong. Or, at least I didn't see why it was so bad when I got it wrong. I guess… I'm starting to see the problem with it. Now I'm just here trying to separate the shame from what I need to change, and I just feel lost."
Tani shifted her eyes about as I spoke. I could tell she struggled to follow my words.
"I'm sorry," I said. "That's too much, isn't it?"
"zoʃu'use ðope," she said.
"What's that mean?"
"Eh… think break. You." She nodded for emphasis.
"That's a good word for it. Zoshu'use dope?"
She smiled wide and corrected me, "ðope. Need time. Need you time. OK bye bye. Nice to meet you!"
"Yeah," I lowered my gaze. I had to be careful not to look at her backside as she walked off. From my periphery, I saw her glance over one shoulder at me before disappearing beyond the guava tree.
These base urges, I had to get myself under control. It shouldn't have taken some monumental effort to avoid ogling her like some slab of meat; respect should come normal.
Like a reflex.
A part of me craved the sight of her figure, her generous hips. I needed to take that part of myself and strangle it. Behead it. Shoot it in the head from three-hundred-sixty yards.
Burn it at the stake for heresy.
I continued to stare at the wall when rain clattered over the stone rooftop and all around me. Sprays of water dashed in from the same opening that let in the vine, while other drops splashed into pools beside the open entrance. Trickles of water seeped in through cracks in the ceiling and ran down the walls. I suddenly felt a jolt of cool water through my shirt as one of them found my back, yet I stayed.
I hadn't known how long I stayed in the church, but by the time I got back to the training grounds the sky had begun to turn and everyone was gone. So, I went to the barracks in hope of drying off my toes.
Faren was there reading a book, as was Gino, along with some other guy I didn't know.
"Damn!" Faren looked up at me. "We thought you weren't coming back!"
Gino looked up from his book and smirked at me. "How did it go with Ahmi?"
Faren and the other guy exchanged glances and shared a laugh between them.
"Well," I scratched my head. "I think I'm going to give her some time to come around on her own… when she's ready."
The three of them chuckled heartily between each other. Then Gino spoke through a grin, "was it as bad as Melyana?"
"Nothing could be that bad," I shook him off. "We actually had a very enlightening conversation…" I counted hours in my mind, "that took up the whole day." Then I noticed the book Faren was reading. "Wait a second. You!"
He opened his eyes wide. "Me what?"
"You're the one who checked out that book!"
Faren lifted it up for a moment and showed off the cover. "You, of all people, need to read this book, man!"
I ran up to him. "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"
"I won't spoil it for you."
"What?"
Faren chuckled.
"OK, well tell me something."
"Nope."
"Come on, man! I'm the one who told you about it!"
Faren grinned wide and held it up. "This book will open your eyes, man! But I can't explain it. You'll have to read it for yourself!"
Gino added, "he won't tell me nothing, either."
The other man in the room spoke up. "Indictment, yeah?"
Faren nodded, "yeah."
"Fucked up book, that one, man. Couple years ago, inquisitor in my village catches a guy with that book. Great guy, never hurt nobody. Nails the book to his hand, then burns him at the stake for that shit. Made us all watch. Still the most horrifying shit I ever saw, and I been here almost a year now."
"I believe it, man," Faren nodded. "This thing is just… hey," he turned to me. "What do you know about a guy named Hano?"
"I can recite the verse for you if you like."
"OK?"
"What will you give me?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me why it's banned in our empire."
"Uh…" Faren hesitated.
I clarified, "the Orthodox church rules the Southern Kingdoms Alliance, who we're at war with in Kulun. So if it makes our enemies look bad, why is it banned in our empire?"
Faren nodded. "You'll just have to read it."
"You don't know, do you?"
"Oh, it's pretty clear why. I think you don't know anything about this Hano guy it keeps talking about."
"Oh, I know, trust me."
"Nah, I don't think you do."
"I do know, and I think you don't know."
Gino started laughing, then explained. "Hano is this guy who hid in a cave for forty days and forty nights while the world burned. He had two of every animal…"
"Seriously?" I looked at him.
Gino laughed, and I heard a clomping of boots on the wooden steps outside. I turned to look, and Geraln had come in. He went for his bunk without stopping. "Where the hell have you been?"
"You know where I went; I spent the day talking with Ahmi."
"How did that go?" He gently set Chirpy down on the floor while he bent over to go through his pack.
"Um… it's a process."
Faren chuckled; Gino shook his head and smiled.
Geraln didn't look up from rummaging through his things. "Worse than Juliara?"
"Be quiet."
The three of them laughed while Chirpy scampered around to Faren and sniffed at his hands; he rubbed a finger under her chin and spoke to Geraln, "how did it go with the old woman?"
Geraln's eyes popped and he cocked his head. "She's crazy, man."
The other man spoke up, "you went to see Peyumi today?"
"Yeah," Geraln nodded. "I'm still not sure what to think about that."
The man laughed. "She's a bit crazy."
Crazy enough that Davod came back from her admonishing everyone on their language as though he hadn't cussed right along with the best of us.
"I've got new words for you two," I said. "visa is yours, vidu is mine. That's how you make a possessive."
Geraln and Faren glanced at one another. It was Faren who spoke. "Caleb, that's basic. Where have you been?"
Geraln spoke while gathering up some things in a small sack. "vi makes a possessive; you splice it to the noun. zɪxevifaren, Faren's bed. kæfiviʒi, their coffee."
"Yeah," Faren clarified, "ʒi if it's the subject, ʒu for the object. Seriously, Caleb, it's not a race, but I am winning."
I sat dumbfounded.
The other guy chuckled, then looked directly at me and gave his own lesson. "OK, listen. keme kæfiviʒi their coffee is hot. bobade kæfiviʒu I'm drinking their coffee. Subject… object. Got it?"
Chirpy meandered over to another bed and sniffed at it while my friends laughed at me. Then, she tugged at the sheet before facing Geraln and chirped at him.
"I'm done," he said without looking at her. But as he walked by, she stayed, tugged at the sheet, and chirped at him again.
I asked, "Where are you off to?"
"Saewi offered to let me stay the night with her. Her place is so much more comfortable than this sweatbox." He then looked down at Chirpy. "You coming?"
Chirpy looked at him, then tugged at the sheet once more, then looked back at him and chirped.
Faren asked, "so are you getting serious with her, man?"
Geraln smiled sheepishly, then looked down at Chirpy. "That's not my bed."
Gino added, "she's a looker, I'll grant, but don't you want to trade up at some point?"
Geraln turned to answer him, but his tiny lizard friend chirped at him again, still tugging at the bed sheet. "I don't know what you want me to do; that's not my bed."
She chirped again, still looking up at him in expectation.
"Fine," he sighed. "You know this isn't my bed."
As soon as he pulled the sheet away, we all saw it. Against the yellow lamplight upon the white sheets, a small green snake had coiled up beneath. It hissed and tried to move its body away under the covers at the corner.
All three of us snapped to attention. The other man in the room got up from where he'd reclined and made his way towards the corner. "Watch out for those ones, man. What you need is a good, long stick…"
But Chirpy fixed her eyes on the thing, hopping back and forth between her two tiny feet and keeping her head still while inching her body closer. Then, quick as lightning, she whipped her long neck out and snatched the creature right behind its head.
The other man scratched the back of his head and sat back down. "Or that works, too."
"Caleb of Gath!" I heard my name from the door. It was a lean man of average height with medium-dark green skin, yellow eyes, long, sandy green hair, and a sharp jawline. It was Taganu, the same man who'd greeted us as we first arrived, and I couldn't tell from his face what he wanted.
"Yes?"
"You're in deep shit."
"Oh?"
"Come with me."
I hesitated. Geraln picked up Chirpy and set her on his shoulder with the still-wriggling snake dangling from her mouth. Faren and Gino returned to their books as though I wasn't there, and the other guy smirked at me.
Taganu reiterated, "unless you want to be in deeper shit."
At that, I sat up and reached for my boots.
"You won't need those."
"Go barefoot across the yard?"
Taganu glanced down at his own bare feet, then back at me with an impatient stare.
"OK." And I followed him. In his hand he held an oil lamp set with frosted glass that cast an orange eclipse on the grass as we made our way towards the main building beside the gate, long since barred shut. Elsewhere, a few torches lit up the distance, some candles in windows by the old city. Overhead was black, and beyond the walls the eerie sounds of chirps, whistles, strange animals calling out amid the chorus of insects in the jungle reminded me where I was.
The air felt like it was supposed to be cool, but chose to be hot and sticky instead. Taganu paused to turn towards me. "You're going to have to explain where you were today."
I shrugged. "I went to go see…"
He shook his head. "Not to me."
He stepped up and lifted his lamp to look closely at the dark archway. Then, seeing it was covered in spider webs, he moved to a different archway and went through that. Inside was black but for a faint orange glow from a stone staircase leading upwards, on the other side of a wooden partition that separated it from the desk where we'd all given our names.
At the base of the stairs was a rough mat where he wiped his feet, then paused for me to do the same. Then we climbed up into a narrow passage between wooden accordion partitions, at the end of which was an opening from where the orange glow of candlelight came.
Taganu came to the far end of the doorway and looked in. "He's here."
Then, he stepped aside and gave me enough space to enter.
Inside was a woman with hair in streaks of white with dark-green, set in braids that fell behind her back, the same woman who'd stood with Ahmi and the Imperial Voice on the balcony as we'd arrived. Her clothes consisted of a black silk loincloth with gold embroidery in the shape of a lotus, gold armbands, a silver bracelet of delicate chain with the head of a snake clasping at the other end, and a delicate gold chain necklace with a spider for a pendant that had a diamond-tree stone for an abdomen and hung between her bare breasts.
Behind her, open archways led to the black world outside. In each corner, tall pots hosted plants that rose up to the top of the wooden partition, and the center of the room was a woven rug. She sat upon a giant bag of a chair that molded to her body, holding a glass in one hand with some amber drink in it. Light came from a pair of tall, iron candelabras beside the door that cast a yellow hue over her otherwise medium-dark-green complexion.
The only movement was her toes brushing through tufts of the rug at her feet. "Where were you?"
"Well, I…" I moved around to one of the other plush bag-chairs and readied to sit down.
"I didn't tell you to sit." Her Herali was clean and polished, with no hint of a foreign accent.
I glanced at Taganu, who stifled a laugh as he watched. Then I turned my attention back to her. "Have we met? I'm Caleb…"
"Where did you go?"
She assaulted me with that question as though I were an ant. Her light-green eyes watched mine as she spoke. Had I lost the battle against the urge to look her body up and down, that would have proved disastrous. "I went to talk to Ahmi. She spoke to us about the vita'o this morning, and I had some questions about…"
"And after?"
"I didn't get your name?"
The woman took a sip from her glass and set it on a nearby table. Then she stared at me a moment further before repeating her question, "where did you go after you spoke with Ahmi?"
"We… actually… had a very long conversation that ended up touching on a variety of topics."
She didn't say anything to that. I tried to add up the hours as if I could somehow account for them with that explanation. What I should have done was consider the possibility that Ahmi had already told her what time it was when I left.
"So, when I got there, she was teaching her students. She didn't want to interrupt her class, and so I watched that for a while. Felt like a long time, actually. Then, we spoke. Probably hours, I mean, we spoke for a very, very long time."
She took up her glass, took a long sip from it, then set it back on the table and resumed glaring at me without another word.
I felt unsettled by her silence. "After that… uh… I came back, but it was already late. I've actually…" I turned as if to point towards the barracks, "I've been talking with my friends in the barracks for a while."
The hours didn't add up even in my own mind. The woman continued to glare at me while drumming her fingernails on the wooden table.