He paused for a long time again, his sentence infused with a hysterical undertone that transformed into trembling. "But I...didn't care."
"He knew, but didn't care, right?" Loki looked up at Shiller, who was idly playing with his pen. He said, "Actually, you should have guessed. Although your brother is reckless, impulsive, single-minded, he isn't really a fool. His intelligence is normal and can even be considered talented in some respects…"
"You spent so many years together, accompanying each other day and night for a long time. You think you know him well, but he knows you just as well. Perhaps, he was aware of many things you did, but he just didn't care…"
"You were trying to escape this answer just now because you feel worse compared to being confronted face to face, or told on to Odin, by his act of not caring."
"So now, ask yourself, all the things you've done, were they truly intended to hurt Thor, to kill him, replace him, or instead, simply to garner more attention?"
"I..." Loki instinctively wanted to deny this answer. "Don't be ridiculous. How could I want his attention? He's a simpleton with no brains, just a brute all along..."
"Really? Then, when I asked you, how Loki is viewed by Thor, why didn't you want to give that answer?"
Loki fell silent again, but he did not tremble this time, just paused in the same position.
"He probably didn't care." The air in Loki's words became more pronounced, his sentence was swallowed by a sigh; he wore a somewhat self-mocking smile, saying, "At least when we were young, my pranks weren't discreet at all, I was merely playing him."
"I remember, several times, Thor's companions noticed it was me who was causing trouble, which made them dislike me even more, but Thor never said a word."
"I knew he wasn't oblivious…" Loki's tone was somewhat puzzled, "But why did I believe so adamantly back then that he didn't notice?"
"Maybe it's because you can't accept the fact that he noticed, but simply didn't care." Shiller said.
Loki fell silent.
"Okay, now let's add some extra conditions to this scenario. You remain as you are, which is to say, you keep your current appearance, physique, strength, capabilities, but you still remain as Odin's favored eldest son, the heir of Asgard…"
Before Shiller could finish speaking, Loki blurted out: "No, that's impossible, I…"
"Asgard could never have such an heir, my physical strength is too weak…"
"I'm not Odin and this isn't a coronation ceremony, my words don't count."
"This is just a hypothesis, after all. Since it's a hypothesis, why employ any logic?"
Loki had no retort and could only nod.
"Okay, just as you said, your body has various flaws, some of which are even fatal, like lacking the proud physique of an Asgardian. Odin sees these flaws, and so do the people of Asgard. Yet, you remain the heir of Asgard. Odin takes extra care of you; regardless of the trouble you cause, he's always willing to clean up after you…"
"So, under these circumstances, how would Thor see you?"
"He…" Loki seemed to have a full sentence to articulate, but after uttering the first word, he was choked off.
"Don't doubt what you're thinking now. Thor would certainly be jealous of you; however small, this feeling would definitely exist."
Shiller made a gesture, then continued: "Ordinarily, you might often wonder how Thor can have so many flaws. He never thinks before he acts, only knows how to bulldoze ahead regardless of the consequences, and is utterly unreasonable."
"But if the roles were reversed, Thor would probably think the same: you're physically weak, can't even lift the Divine Artifact. You can't lead the charge in battle, and as a General, you can't set a good example, lacking the bravery of an Asgardian…"
"You see, it's just the way the world works. When you can't become the other person and can't take his place to do his deeds, you always feel that he then doesn't deserve the position."
"His flaws will appear endlessly amplified in your eyes, and then you'll use these flaws to fantasize about how you'd do better in his place."
"But when you really get to that position, your flaws will also be amplified, and it remains unknown whether your proud strengths can handle the trouble caused by these flaws."
"So, what?" Loki looked at Shiller and asked: "Are you trying to tell me that even if I were in Thor's position, I wouldn't do any better?"
Shiller shook his head, saying: "No, I'm just informing you that your feelings of jealousy towards your brother, resentment towards your father's unfairness, and belief that the Asgardians lack discernment, are all completely normal."
"If the positions of you and Thor were switched, these emotions would still exist. Thor might not have as fragile emotions as you, but he'd be no more immune to these feelings either."
"If you don't believe me, just think about his current situation. In a way, the situation right now is a role swap between you two. Don't you think Thor is jealous at all about your sudden promotion? Do you think he's really so magnanimous that he doesn't care about Odin giving you the glory that was originally his?"
"Since he can also be jealous and resentful, then there is no difference between you two. It's not because you are petty or mentally unwell that you experience these negative emotions, it's just human nature."
"The reason why I make these hypotheses..." Shiller paused for a moment, took a sip of water from his cup, then continued: "... is to show you that the mess of emotions in your heart right now—jealousy, resentment, shock, confusion, bewilderment, helplessness, and so on—are actually very common."
"So, you shouldn't resort to self-defeating conjectures, like thinking that Thor and Odin are all shining, righteous heroes, and you're a dark, despicable villain, only able to hide in the corner releasing negative emotions, or having even more extreme thoughts about bringing this pain to others…"
Shiller put down his cup and looked into Loki's eyes: "I just said you're like a dog chasing a nugget of meat, but the conclusion is, if Thor was leashed, he'd probably chase it even more eagerly."