A year....a full year!
It was half of everything.
It was half of the years I spent in his kitchen making food, hours I spent watching cooking channels and experimenting with new ingredients to make sophisticated food.
Half of the time I spent doing his stupid ass laundry when I should be getting an education.
Half of the time, I had to endure awkward silence in a corner so he could study for his classes.
Half of the freaking times I spent in his bed.
Half of the time, I spent in a corner waiting to be remembered.
Half of the time I spent loving him full time.
Oh my God…it's half of everything!
"Screw you!" I yelled and clenched my fist "Screw you, Stevie!"
I let out a breath…it was quakey.
"Didn't she get engaged a few months back, Steve?" I asked him
"She stopped seeing me then" he said
It hit me.
Fuck!
Double dippity fuck!
"Is that why you were so attentive? Is that why you took me to that ranch to celebrate our one year anniversary?" I watched him.
He didn't say a word.
He looked at me but that's about it. He simply stared.
I hated it when he stared at me. Like he couldn't be bothered with a simple explanation, like it wasn't worth the effort…like I wasn't worth the effort.
I got ready for the hard questions.
"Did you call her? Did you beg her to come back when you went on those long walks alone on the ranch?" I asked.
"Yes"
"You are a piece of shit!"
"The deception was hard but I am not pretending anymore, Ira"
I chuckled. I mean why the hell not.
He is a good man because he has decided to stop pretending.
Do you want a standing ovation, Steve?
Do you want a medal perhaps?
God!
I couldn't wrap my head around this…I tried but I couldn't, so I decided to ask him.
"How? How do one do this to another human being? And with so much ease, Stevie…how do one inflict this much pain?"
He shrugged.
He always shrugged… like it meant a damn thing.
I wanted to shake him as hard as I could.
I wanted to know how a person could go out of their way to wreck another person.
How do one purposely inflict this much pain on another?
How?
I need to know how?
And all I got was a shrug?
A god-damned shrug, that's the explanation I get?
A shrug, are you kidding me?!
"Not good enough, Steve…not good enough"
"I fell in love with Lisa, I didn't mean to…"
"Oh shut up! You say it like you had no choice!" I bit down on my lips hard to stop myself from crying.
What little it did?!
"There is always a choice, Stevie…there is always waking up in the morning and making a choice that this is the woman I love, this is the woman I want to be with…there is always the choice of loving me not her"
I stood upright and I tried to walk out but he stopped me.
"Ira, stop"
"Let go of me! I'm leaving!"
"It's not safe for you. You are hurt, you can't just go back to our apartment. You have a head injury, Ira"
"I am not going back there, Stevie" I whispered.
"Of course, you are…you always do"
"Not this time, Steve…not this time"
"What about your things?"
"I don't need things"
"Where will you go?"
It was a good question.
I had no answer.
He grabbed my arm gently.
"You will forgive me for this, you always do"
I exhaled.
I always do, don't I?
His statement made me pause. It made me sniff back the snot in my nose and it made me wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my blood stained dress.
The worst part was, a piece of me wanted to forgive him for his sins…and it's not a little piece. That's a lie. I don't even know why I said that…it has never been a little piece.
Never!
A greater part of me wanted to look at him and whisper the words ' I forgive you. I forgive you because the thought of losing you makes me want to go to bed and never wake up'
Leaving felt even worse than staying…leaving felt like the worst kind of death.
And so, I didn't leave.
I sat down on the floor instead.
"Do you love me, Stevie?" I asked him.
"Of course" he answered too fast.
"You are lying" I looked away and pressed my lips on my shoulder to stop myself from making a sobbing sound. "Will you hold me, please?"
He walked over and he enveloped me. I felt myself shiver and the sob tore through me like bullet ricochets and it left no part of me whole.
I didn't know grief was so draining.
"You amaze me but I bore you...I bore you so much" I cried harder.
"No…no, sweetheart"
"You did love me, right? In the beginning you did love me, didn't you?" I asked him.
"Yes. I will always love you, Ira. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hurting you".
I pulled away and grabbed his face. I had a need to remember the face in front of me.
"Then, why are you hurting me?"
"Because I am a selfish ass, Ira and I think I will be happier with her"
I grabbed his hand tightly.
"But you won't. No one will ever love you as much as I do, Stevie. Why isn't my love enough?"
He looked at me. I could see he had no answer.
"Well, this time around…I am the one who leaves, I am the one who abandons you. It is supposed to be me…not you! Not again!"
He kissed me.
It wasn't a big surprise..it was one of the things he was good at…one of the things he could do to shut me up, to weaken my resolve.
He kissed me and I kissed him right back with everything I had in me.
When we pulled away, we stared at each other and the memory of our first meeting came flooding back.
I blinked that memory away.
"I need a drink. Could you get me a drink, please?" I asked him.
He nodded and left.
For a moment, I stared after his disappearing shadow…I stared until there was nothing more to look at. I stared at him till I couldn't anymore.
Grabbing a piece of broken sink, I smashed the glass window with it. Pieces of it pierced my hand.
I turned around and looked at the door he disappeared into.
"Bye, Stevie"
I climbed out the window and I dragged myself out of there and I staggered towards the bus station.
I sat down there, on the verge of losing consciousness again...with my head injury, I could die from it but as much as I tried to keep awake, I couldn't.
With my last strength, I called out for help.
I re-opened a mindlink I shut down years ago…and for my sake, I hope whoever was on the other end didn't shut his.
(Xavier, help me)