The moment I reached home, I did as he instructed. I took out my phone, and typed,
"I am home now.", then tossed it on the table. I had no idea what he was planning or why he asked that I let him know I was home. 'Maybe he didn't want to tell me his response while I was still in the office', a part of me thought for sure it was bad news.
I went on to take a quick shower and changed into my comfy clothes then checked my phone and it had no response. I exhaled in relief thinking maybe he just wanted me to check in but before I could even bask in my newly found calmness, the door rang and my heart skipped a beat, I had an instant bad feeling.
I went to the door and peeped to see him standing there, trembling, I slowly opened, "Uhm.. I wasn't expecting you...", I let him in and went to get a glass of water for me,
He smiled as he made himself comfortable on the couch, "I figured we should just get this over with..", he sat the same way I sat on his.
The anticipation was torturing me, "Uhm so, what have you decided...",
He exhaled heavily, "You were right about everything. I've been holding back-"
I nodded and continued to listen silently, he put his keys and phone on the table, "Ever since what happened with Angela, I have honestly been scared. Yes, I do genuinely love you - after a long time of being immune, it finally happened. Unexpectedly at that. It's something I wasn't prepared for and with Khalinda on the loose, I found myself helpless and holding back."
I tried cutting him off at the mention of Khalid's name but he gestured that I stop, "I know what you're going to say, but is not that easy. Carol, I can cut off. In fact I have. I don't know why I kept indulging her - but as much as I want you the same as you do, I can't bring myself to give you what you want. I know I agreed to the relationship but honestly, I was scared I'd lose you. Truth is, I don't want to lose you but I see that I was not ready for this next step. I made you wait already so I can't ask you to wait any longer. This is as far as my love goes and I know it's not fair given how much you've invested in us - me and you. And I truly wish I could bring more to the table. But not now, not while Khalinda is out there. I can't risk it. I have to protect you."
I can't say I'm surprised honestly, I saw it coming. Khalinda. He said. It looked like it didn't matter where we were or how much I tried to reassure him, he was never going to let me in. However, I had to be certain so I asked one more time, "Do you love me?"
He didn't hesitate, "Yes. I do.",
"So is your fear for Khalinda far greater than your love for me?",
"It is because of this love that I can't risk your life like that. I'm not scared of Khalinda, but it's you we are talking about, it is you Thandie. So I have to-"
I sighed heavily, "So you're never going to open up? love me freely and openly?"
"..."
I sighed heavily thinking of all the times I waited. I can't blame him for feeling the way he does but I'm not content with this version of his love either. I love Walter, deeply. I fell head first for him, he's the greatest man I've ever met... and I know that at his best, he would be even greater. I can feel it but not being able to reach it brings out a different sense of discomfort-hurt-disappointment. I also can't bear to see him suffer like this. His love for me is what's making him like this and I don't honestly want him to live like this either. A prisoner of love. I want him to love as freely as he can, even if it's not me.
"I think we should stop doing this, I am tired now", I said in a restless tone
Without hesitation, he said, "Yeah, I think we should... it's too much now.", he said while reaching for his car keys and heading out the door.
****Present Day****
Before he shut the door, he turned around with a soft smile, "For what is worth, I do love you Thandie Lohan", he said with teary eyes
I smiled also with tears dancing in my eyes, "I know. I love you too Walter Sekhulu."
Although he left 30 minutes ago, I can't bring myself to get off the couch. I'm still staring at the door hoping he'd come back, but I know it's for the best. He resolves to protect me and my wish is for him to be happy and be the best version of himself in love. I now know and understand that he can't be that while he's with me. He can't care for my safety and love me freely at the same time, I see it now and I'm grateful for him.
What can I say? Everyone's love story is different. Mine and Walter's is unconventional, messy, and crazy, but it's my favorite story and if I could go back, I would still choose him.
***The end*****