Shia had brought quite a few things with her. Mostly snacks. I'd hardly known her as the voracious type but… but she literally finished every single piece of snack right before my eyes as we watched the waves and shores through the window.
It didn't take a genius to figure out she was stressed.
"Meng City isn't that far from the academy," I said. We could see the city borders from the ship. "We can just hire a carriage and-"
"No."
"Then calm down? It's not that bad if you think about it. You'll see them again… hopefully."
"No, not that. It's just, all my life, this is the place I've known as home. And now, I'm going away. I always wanted to go away, to some faraway place, leave everything behind and… but when I'm actually doing it. Why does my heart ache so much?"
I didn't have an answer. No, I didn't have one in the past. Back when I first left home. I did miss my room and my things and even my family to some extent. However, the fear that I'd be on the streets overruled everything and forced me to get my shit together.
This time however, when I left mom and Den… this time I felt true longing for my home. But for someone who was leaving home for the first time after spending about 13 years there… I honestly couldn't say anything to her that could make her feel better.
I didn't have any advices for times like this, despite having gone through them. Something that had helped me in the past didn't necessarily mean it would help her. It didn't mean it would soothe her.
I had adventure, I made quick friends, and I had people I could rely on in the academy. That was primarily why I didn't miss home too much.
But what about Shia? How were any of them relevant to her? It wasn't like she could just be friends with the captain or the crew or roam around the ship like she owned the place. Maybe she could, but even then, would that really make her feel better?
"You've already made your choice," I said. "But if it's too hard, we can turn back. I won't say this again. After all, you have made-"
"Stop it. I said I won't go! If I can't do this, how will I-" She bit her gums hard and glared but didn't say anything. With a thud she left the room.
Yeah, perhaps saying shit like that wasn't the best way to deal with the situation.
Sigh… sometimes, I really was an inconsiderate asshole.
***
We passed by some villages and houses and honestly, although I always thought this world was filled with monsters or something, in more cases than not, monsters were just ordinary animals doing their own shit. Of course, as with anything with life, as long as they see weakness in you, they would try to take advantage of you. These guys weren't necessarily all that different.
What about me though… how the hell should I deal with this?
I felt a rather odd sense of homesickness. On one hand, my home was missing. On another, I was leaving the place closest to home right now in search of the missing one. If something went wrong, I'd be losing both of them.
It really felt weird and I had no idea if this was the right decision or a very wrong one. I didn't know if anything good could come out of this. And I didn't know if I could even do this.
Yet… I had to.
That thought alone was giving me shivers, shivers that didn't stop. Tremors going through my whole body, making my hands shake like I had Parkinson's.
I sighed, I sighed aloud, staring at the moving cities, at the people- people who were just going about their days, doing whatever they were doing. Sometimes I envied those people…I wish my life wasn't so… difficult.
***
That evening, we dropped anchors in the middle of the river. We had enough space on either side for ships to pass. Alustur warned that there would be thieves, so we had to remain vigilant. But he assured us, he would take care of anything of that sort.
Since Shia was here, Alustur no longer wanted to be in that room. So instead, I shared it with Shia.
Bunk beds, a small cupboard and barely enough space for three people to stand shoulder to shoulder.
"Sorry about earlier," I said.
"Don't worry about it," she said. We had beds on top of each other. She took the top bunk and with a thud quieted down. "Good night."
"Good night."
The waves were rather calm tonight, so there wasn't much noise. But that kind of had the opposite effect of calming. I couldn't really focus with all the dwindling thoughts about what would happen, how things would go wrong, and how everything would fail; how I would fail.
I couldn't get those negative thoughts out. Sure, thinking positive had its benefits and I had to think about the future and everything and… but-
In the end, I couldn't really change who I was. I couldn't get out of my emotional immaturity. I couldn't just- I couldn't just grow up.
Granted I did look like a toddler but on the inside, I was old. Like two and a half decades old. Well, almost.
It's really time to get your shit together, Sol.
***
Life on a boat was quite interesting. For one, it was almost always swaying. So, if you had motion sickness, you were fucked. Like seriously, if you had even a bit of motion sickness you would throw up almost every waking hour. It was not fun. And it wasn't something you could just grow out of either. At least not for the first couple of days.
Luckily, didn't seem like Miss Shia had any issues. Neither did the crew.
I felt a twinge of nausea but nothing I couldn't deal with. Let's get some fresh air-
Of course, it'd be hell of a different story once we reached the sea, but for now, I didn't see this as a problem. My body would acclimate with the swaying and by the time I'd reach the sea, I'd be unstoppable!
One great perk of this world was the fact that I didn't need to go out into the freaking mountains to get a good look at the sky and the stars. (Even this new wood creaked though)
I didn't know any constellations and I had no idea what the sky back on earth looked like, so I didn't know if the sky was any different here. But I had a hunch it probably was. This world didn't feel as big as Earth. Compared to earth, it was somewhat tiny. At first, I thought that was because I hadn't traveled as much. However, no. The world itself was about ten times smaller than earth if not even smaller. The maps, the notes, the geography and kingdoms and honestly, after looking through everything I couldn't help but feel all of the world combined would be smaller than Asia.
Shrugging, I stopped staring at the sky and stared at the lone mercenary on guard near the helm of the ship.
"You're gonna stay up all night?"
"Not all night but mostly, yes."
Everyone else was sleeping. No, wait, there was someone atop the sail, looking out.
"Well, do try to get at least some rest."
"I will keep that in mind."
It was somewhat midnight. Shia was pretty much asleep… probably.
"Can't sleep?" Alustur said.
"Not really. First nights are always like this."
"You'll get used to them."
"I don't want to. I don't want to just keep changing my home."
"Home is a concept. Home is where you're most precious memories and people are. It can be anywhere you want; ever-changing."
"…"