We'll talk about it again next time, I've got to go to the other world," I said. For the time being, act as if nothing had happened, but above all stay away from the shadows and don't talk about this to anyone! Your integrity as an assistant depends on it. Now go home and keep a low profile."
I look at the young woman who is staring at me with her implacable gaze. For a few seconds, time seems to stand still, as if all the world's hands had suddenly stopped turning, leaving us in a kind of in-between world that doesn't really exist. A world in which I am captured by the red eyes of the woman who had proclaimed herself my master.
Before I had time to say a word, she disappeared into the half-light. Too fast for my eyes, I don't even see her leave. All I know is that she's gone, and now I'm alone in this dark alleyway, far from home.
A little dazed, I pick up my bag, which had fallen to the ground with all that had happened, and set off in the opposite direction. The light from the lampposts in the main street dazzles me. Slowly, I made my way up the pavement to my street, without even a thought for my pursuers. Fortunately, they seemed to have given up for tonight.
With a shaky gait, I climb the stairs of my building until I'm standing in front of my door. I rummage around in my pocket, then take out my bunch of keys and concentrate on getting the key into the lock when something makes me look to the side.
A shadow is standing next to me. I blink, thinking I'm seeing the reflection of something or just that I've got dust in my eyes. But when I open them again, a shiver of fright takes hold of me. Quickly, I try to insert the key into the lock to get in, but I'm shaking too much and my hand won't obey me. I cast frightened glances at the thing standing right next to me. It's not just a shadow, firstly because there's no object that could create such a shadow in the stairwell, but more importantly because I can feel that it's something. There's density in this motionless blackness that seems to spy on me dangerously.
Finally, by a miraculous twist of fate, the key fits into the slot. Without waiting, I turn it feverishly and the latch opens. As if my soul would escape my body if I stayed any longer, I threw myself against the door and closed it behind me as soon as I was inside. Then I let myself slide against the door, my heart pounding. My legs start to wobble and I find myself sitting on the floor of my bedroom.
Flint comes and rubs himself against my legs, meowing. He's hungry and seems totally indifferent to the panic that's gripped me. I raise a hand and try to stroke him, but he doesn't appreciate the trembling touch of my fingers on his fur.
-There's no such thing as ghosts, is there, Flint? I-I imagined it all...yes, it's all in my head, I try to reassure myself.
I try to control the tremors in my body, to no avail. Silex's persistent mewing gradually brings me back to my senses, as if his sharp protests were a reassuring call to order.
"Of course there's no such thing as ghosts, you've been dreaming! That's sleep deprivation for you! Come on, give me my kibble instead of talking such rubbish!
I laughed a jerky laugh as I imagined Flint saying these words through his meows. The thought cheered me up a bit. Without moving from my spot, I take a tin of pâtée and open it before placing it on the floor. Suddenly very lively, the cat jumped on the tin and began to lick the contents hastily. He was really hungry.
I watch him silently as a tender smile forms on my lips. I scratch him between the ears but he shakes his head to let me know I'm in the way. This familiar sight soothed me. The trembling stopped and I was able to get to my feet.
I was probably imagining things. I'm tired at the moment, I'm working too hard and not getting enough rest. That's why I feel like I'm seeing things. And then this girl here, she's just weird. She's probably just some weirdo from the neighbourhood, into the occult or something! As if I'm going to believe that shinigamis exist just because she says so!
And her trick with the katana was probably special effects or something. She was probably filming a hidden camera? To film people's reactions when they saw her dressed like that.
I splash some water on my face and look at myself in the mirror. I look terrible. As if to force myself to wake up from a bad dream, I slap both my cheeks hard. My ears ring for a moment, then everything goes back to normal. I imagined the whole thing and all I got was a crazy woman, that's what happened. I need some sleep.
I quickly cook myself some pasta, which I eat half-heartedly. Then I brush my teeth and put on my pyjamas. After Silex has finished his meal, I throw the tin in the bin, then crawl under my duvet. It's going to be a cold night, so I've heated up some water for my hot water bottle. I've put on my thickest jumper and all my blankets. There's nothing more unpleasant than waking up in the middle of the night shivering.
As I switch off my bedside lamp, I take one last look at my grandfather's amulet. A useless grigri. I don't dwell on it any longer. Letting myself be carried away by weariness, I close my eyes, eager to start a new day far from all these aberrations.
-----
"So if you go back to what La Boétie said, you'll soon realise that he was writing something revolutionary. When he evokes the hypothesis of voluntary servitude, not only does he challenge the thinking of the Church, but also that of the secular power in place..."
I can barely hear the voice of the philosophy teacher. My eyes lowered to my paper, I keep my whole body from shaking with superhuman willpower. I feel a drop of sweat drip from my temple down my cheek. I'm terrified. In the classroom, in the middle of the row opposite my seat, there's a shadow like the one I saw yesterday on my doorstep. It's the third one I've seen since this morning.
A little smaller, I can feel that it's different from the one I saw last night. It doesn't have the same consistency or the same energy. But it's the same thing, I'm sure of that. If yesterday I could put these visions down to tiredness, today I can't find an excuse to explain them.
They're real, they exist, but I'm the only one who sees them? Or am I going mad and seeing something that doesn't exist? Am I under too much stress? Or am I working too hard? Am I just crazy because life has been too hard on me and all this mental energy expended to survive each day has drained me of all rationality?
No... I don't know why, but I feel it's not that. The words of last night's stranger keep coming back to me. The shinigami...the shadows...It doesn't make any sense, and yet it has to.
"We'll do it again next time," says the teacher when the bell rings. Everyone gets up and puts their things away, chatting away. It's the morning break before lunch. I quickly close my notebook and put it in my locker. I grab my water bottle and head for the exit to go to the toilet.
-Hey Akira, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" laughs Ichiro, a guy I can't stand.
His whole group laughs. I don't pay them any attention and carry on walking without glancing at them.
-Have you lost your tongue? Can't you speak any more, or are you too scared of pissing your pants to open your mouth?
Again, laughter. I tense up. Ignore it. If you pretend it's not there, violence doesn't exist. That's what the adults taught me. But why does it hurt so much every time? No matter how much I pretend it's not there, everyday violence still hurts just as much.
As I reach the door, he throws a wad of paper at my back.
-Bring me a coffee, you louse, and don't forget to take out a loan for your meals at the canteen," he orders and jeers at the same time, which triggers the hilarity of his idiot friends.
I didn't reply and disappeared into the corridor, my teeth clenched. But today, it's not that idiot Ichiro who's causing me the most anxiety. I almost forget him, so oppressive are the black things that haunt the space without anyone noticing them. I look from right to left to see if there's one in the corridor. I hurried to the toilets.
There I lock myself in one of the cubicles. Sitting on the flap, I bend my knees against my chest and bury my face inside the arms that encircle my knees. Not too much though, I'm keeping an eye on the outside in case one of those things gets in.
I try to calm my breathing and think of soothing things. I think of Flint. I imagine his slitted pupils staring at me wide open, and the tip of his tail swaying from side to side. He meows softly, as if to ask me if I'm all right. Thinking about him makes me feel better. I slowly regain control of my emotions and concentrate on my breathing.
Breathe in. Breathe out. In. out. Little by little, I can feel my heartbeat slowing down. I try to think rationally again. Admittedly, I don't know what these things are, but they don't seem to have a will of their own. They're just wandering around, aimlessly, and don't seem dangerous. At least as long as I don't go near them, they're not interested in me. That was something.
I just have to get through the day, and tomorrow everything will be better. Tomorrow they'll be gone for sure. There's no reason why I should suddenly see them when I didn't before. I close my eyes, giving myself mental strength. As the school bell rings, I stand up and get out of the toilet. After meticulously washing my hands, I return to the classroom.
Finally, the day comes to an end. Exhausted, I followed the stream of students as they made their way to the big gate to leave. My head empty of all thought, I have no time to escape when an arm grabs me and my head is trapped under an armpit. I cough, surprised by the brutal grip around my neck. I don't have to look up to see who it is.
-So, orphan, forgetting to be of service?" comes Ichiro's unbearable voice.
"Shit", I say to myself inwardly. With all this shadow business, I'd completely forgotten about him. Ah, I couldn't have brought him his coffee anyway, I haven't got a penny left in my pocket. And I'm not spending my emergency savings on him. Never mind, I'll just have to grit my teeth while I take the blows.
As usual, he drags me into an alleyway not far from the school and throws me to the ground. His clique moves in around me and the ritual begins. First the mockery. "You think you're a god? You think you're better than us? But you've got no parents, you're worth nothing! Guys like you have to learn to stay in their place and do what they're told without asking questions.
I'm not answering. There's no point in answering anyway, these monkeys have no intention of arguing. All they want to do is satisfy their frustration by mistreating someone they consider inferior to them. After that, the kicks come quickly. I shield my face with my arms, but it barely lessens the pain. I grit my teeth. I wouldn't give them the pleasure of crying.
I can hear them laughing above me. They spit on me. Their drool soaks my clothes and the wetness on my skin disgusts me. I want to take off my shirt and throw it in their faces. But I stop myself. One thing I've learnt from years of abuse: the more you resist them, the more brutal they become.
So I just shut up and take it. And I grit my teeth, promising myself that one day I'll make them pay by doing better than them, by becoming better than them, and that when they're nothing but a bunch of wrecks, scratching their heads and drinking their beer on the sofa, going into debt for a living and working for someone even more stupid than they are, I'll be there laughing in their faces because I'll have succeeded where they failed: in my life.
These morons will never be happy. They're so full of hate and self-loathing that they don't understand the importance of what makes a good life. It's a well-known fact, anyway, that popular guys in high school become losers later on. So I've got to hold on, I've only got a year to go, I mustn't give up, not now...
While I keep telling myself that everything's fine to keep me going, I realise that the blows aren't coming any more. I wait a bit. It was too quick, they haven't gone yet. Are they up to something? If they crack a nut, I've got to be able to run away or risk losing my life. I glance surreptitiously between my forearms, glued in front of my face.
I see two calves belonging to legs I don't know. Their backs are to me. I spread my arms a little wider and look up, surprised. Before me stands the young woman from last night. Standing in front of me, she's facing Ichiro and his gang. I start to panic and go to grab her arm to tell her to leave, seeing Ichiro rush to pounce on her when she throws her leg forward. In one powerful blow, she sweeps the teenager away with a kick to the cheek. Ichiro finds himself catapulted against the wall.
He falls back to the ground, unconscious. The others rush towards him in panic. Some brandished a finger at the young woman, threatening her, but she silenced them by stepping forward and grabbing their hair. The guys began to stammer and beg her to let them go. She threw their heads back and they could hardly contain themselves from somersaulting backwards.
The scene was so satisfying! But so worrying too... They were going to take revenge on him, that was certain! He absolutely had to make her stop.
-Come on, let them go," I say, taking her by the arm.
She resisted for a moment, then let herself be dragged along. We walk down the street without a word, then I stop and turn to her.
-I exclaim, giving free rein to my anger, which had had time to build. Do you know what they're going to do to me next? They're going to leave me for dead because of you!
-And you, why don't you fight back? Why do you let them do it to you? she answers me with her impassive air.
-What do you want me to do? I'm not strong enough to resist them and if I do anything, they'll let go even harder! Do you think I like being beaten up like this?
She looks at me with those red eyes as clear as the ocean in the moonlight. She doesn't seem to understand. I run my hands through my hair, grumbling that she's screwed everything up. Without saying a word, she grabs my arm and pulls me into a darker corner where there are no passers-by. There she looked left and right, then picked me up and carried me like a princess before leaping into the air.
I stopped myself from screaming out of fear and clung to her like a madman. As she set me down on the roof of a building we were standing next to.
-MAIS CA VAIS PAS?" I finally let escape from my throat. What if someone had seen us? How are you going to explain that to people, eh?
-I changed back into my shinigami form before I jumped, and I gave you your assistant shinigami form so that no one would see us," she said in her usual calm tone.
-Still going on about shinigami? Will you stop this nonsense? Do you think that's all I've got to do, listen to your stories? And seeing weird shadows? What have you done to me? Ever since I saw you last night, all I've been doing is seeing weird things that no-one else can see! Make me normal! Take away what you've done to me, I can't take it anymore!
I finished my tirade panting. All the anguish and questions I'd built up over the day were suddenly out, as if a dam had burst inside me. I was at the end of my rope, and seeing that crazy woman talking to me about shinigami had broken the last resistance holding me back.
-You can't go back," she said simply.
I look at her, dumbfounded. I can't believe she's responded coherently to my totally incoherent speech.
-Where do you live?" she asks me.
Stupidly, I point to the building where my room is. Without further ado, she grabs me in the same way as before and jumps from roof to roof to get to my building. There she opened the window with her hand over the fastener, which opened magically, and placed me on the floor of my room. I quickly close the window behind her before the cold winter wind rushes into my barely heated den.
As I turn round, she flicks me on the forehead.
-I say, surprised.
-There, you're back in human form," she says simply.
Flint, who was asleep on the bed, leapt to his feet and began to hoist himself up. As if he'd seen a ghost. I turned a bewildered look towards the young woman who was sitting on the only chair in the room.
-I understand that you have a lot of questions about what's happening to you, and I apologise for leaving so quickly last night," she says, resting her hands on her knees. I'm going to answer all your questions tonight, so ask me anything you can think of.