Ed looked up, then around at the silence of the classroom. The monstrosity stared at Hermione with an incredulous expression on her face.
"USING defensive spells?" Professor Umbridge said with a little laugh."Why, I can't imagine any situation arising in my classroom that would require your to USE a defensive spell, Miss Granger. You surely aren't expecting to be attacked during class?"
"We're not going to be using magic?" Ron exclaimed.
"Students raise their hands when they wish to speak in my class, Mr.--?"
"Weasley" said Ron, thrusting his hand in the air.
The pink monstrosity smiled more widely, and turned away from him. Harry and Hermione raised their hands immediately. Ed closed his notebook, now interested in the turning of events. The pink monstrosity's pouchy eyes glared at him, then her eyes swept to Harry for several moments. Then turned to Hermione.
"Yes, Miss Granger. You wanted to ask something else?"
"Yes" Hermione said, "Surely the whole point of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class is to practice defensive spells?"
"Are you a Ministry-trained, educational expert Miss Granger?"
"No, but--"
"Then I'm afraid you're not qualified to decide what the 'whole point' of any class is. Wizards much older and cleverer than you have devised our new program of study. You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk-free way--"
Ed chortled, and covered it quickly with a hasty fist at his mouth and a pretend cough. The monstrosity's eyes flicked towards him and narrowed.
"What use is THAT? " Harry said loudly. "If we're going to be attacked, it won't be in a --"
"Hand, Mr. Potter," sang the pink monstrosity, as she eased her eyes off Ed. Harry raised his fist into the air, and she promptly turned away from him. By now, there were several hands in the air, and the pink monstrosity had to pick one. Ed smirked and glanced over at Harry.
"Bureaucrat" Ed said in Amestrian, and looked back at the flustered thing in pink. Harry looked at him and lowered his brows a little.
"I repeat." Said Professor Umbridge, smiling in a very irritating fashion at someone, "do you expect to be attacked during my classes?"
"Vell..." Ed drawled, and folded his arms. "I do. But dhen I live in dhe vreal vworld. You did try attacking me last night."
"Hand...Mr. Elric." The pink thing sang out with her eyebrows slightly lowered. "That was a..most unfortunate.. misunderstanding. I do not wish to criticise the way things are run here," She said with an unconvincing smile spread across her face. "But you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards in this class, very irresponsible indeed--not to mention," And she gave a very nasty little laugh. "extremely dangerous half-breeds."
Ed narrowed his eyes, and glanced over to Ron and Harry.
"If you mean Professor Lupin, he was the best we ever--"
"Hand! Mr Thomas. As I was saying--you have been introduced to spells that have been complex, inappropriate to your age group, and potentially lethal. You have been frightened into believing that you are likely to meet Dark attacks one day--"
"No, we haven't--"
"Your hand is not UP, Miss Granger."
Hermione put up her hand, and the pink thing turned from her.
"It is my understanding that my predecessor not only performed illegal curses in front of you, he actually performed them on you--"
Ed raised an eyebrow.
"Well, he turned out to be a maniac, but we learned loads.."
"YOUR HAND IS NOT UP MR. THOMAS." Professor Umbridge trilled. "Now, it is the opinion of the Ministry that a theoretical knowledge will be more than suffient to get you through your examination, which, afterall, is what school is about. And your name is..?" Pinky looked at one of the girls in front.
'Exams are the POINT of school?' Ed shook his head in disbelief. He was beginning to think of evil things to do to be rid of the class altogether. 'Maybe an array to target pinky's desk far far under ground...'
"What good's theory going to be in the real world?" Harry said, fist still in the air. Pinky looked up.
"This is school, Mr. Potter. Not the real world." she said softly, and her eyes bored into Ed's for a few moments before they fell on Harry.
"So we're not supposed to be prepared for what's waiting out there?"
"There's nothing waiting out there.."
"Dhat's vhere you're vrong." Ed spat.
"Oh yeah..?" Harry said angrily.
"Who do you imagine wants to attack children like yourselves..?" she spoke in a horrible honeyed voice.
"You vould ignore dhe fact dhat dhere are very sick people in dhe vorld? I am speaking of vones vwho are liking to hurt others just for the fun of it?" Ed glared at the pink thing, and slowly stood up from his desk. Hermione gasped and made to grab at his sleeve.
"Ed..no!" Hermione hissed.
"10 points from Griffindor. SIT DOWN. Mr. Elric."
"How about Lord Voldemort, hmmm?" Harry said.
Ron gasped. Ed heard a little scream. The pink thing, though, had a little satisfied expression on her face.
"Oh yeah. Dhanks. Forgot about dhat guy..." Ed said with a dramatic shrug, and remained standing. He folded his arms and glared at the pink monstrosity."..I vas dhinking of maybe..oh.. a drunk wizard in bad mood who knows a little Dark dhings...how vould dis dheroy crap hold up if vwe run into somevone like dhat?"
"Detention, Mr. Elric. Tomorrow at five. My office. 10 points from Griffindor, Mr. Potter." The pink thing said, and she rose from her desk and leaned towards them, her stubby fingers splayed on the desk.
"You have been told that a certain Dark wizard has returned from the dead--"
"He wasn't dead." Harry said. "But yeah, he's returned."
"Mr. Potter-don't-you-have-already-lost-ten-house-points-don't-make-things-worse-for-yourself." She said in one breath. "As I was saying, you have been informed that a certain Dark wizard is at large again. This is a lie."
"It is not a lie" said Harry. "I saw him. I fought him."
"Detention, Mr Potter. You will be joining Mr. Elric tomorrow."
Pinky said triumphantly. "I repeat this is a lie. The Ministry of Magic guarantees that you are not in danger from any Dark wizard..."
"Dhen vhy the hell did dhey send you?" Ed said.
"...If someone is alarming you with fibs about reborn Dark wizards, I would like to hear about it. I am here to help." Pinky spoke over Ed, which made his upper lip curl back in distaste. "I am your friend. And now, will you kindly continue your reading. Page five, 'Basics for Beginners'"
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