Those words..from his own brother's lips..told him more than anything else that he was truly a monster. He stood in the hall, near the door and watched as Moody, Remus, and Sirius entered the basement door to begin the Order meeting with Severus.
Did it really matter at all that a so called creature had said it to him, not Al himself? The words rung too true..went too deep. He had told himself those same words night after night in many ways.
"I hate you..! This is all your fault, you bastard!" Words in his head..just words. "It should be you here, not me. You should be the one stuck in the armor..not able to feel..how'd you like THAT you son of a BITCH!!"
The damning words in Al's voice, and it had been so long since he had seen him. He adored every syllable even as their meaning tore into him and shredded his heart. He held on..listening...only because it was time with Al.
It was a while later when his legs buckled, and he slid sideways down the wall, listening inwards to Al's beloved, and damning voice. He looked at nothing but the dark around him. He heard real sounds over the words, intruding on his private, spinning thoughts; the clinking of his automail plates, for instance, as his shoulders shook.
It was but a simple matter for him to focus everything away.. out of reach of his awareness.
He carefully wrapped the sound of Al's voice around him like he would the music of alchemy. He folded his arms around him, intent on savoring every damning word in his head; One metal finger tracing the round scar in the shape of the array he had once drawn in his own blood on his left forearm.
..He felt someone's warm arms wrapped around him, holding him tentatively like he was a fragile thing.
"Please...stop it...stop hurting yourself."
It was Mrs. Weasley's voice. Muffled into his right shoulder--his port. He blinked and realised his left forearm was stinging. He blinked more. Listening to her sobbing breaths. He slowly unwrapped his arms and held them to either side of her in the air. Eyes wide and uncertain..how far had he taken himself away..?
"Shhh...it's ok, dear. It's ok...." And she hugged him a little tighter..it was a firm hold, but not suffocating. There was a little rocking motion to her hug, and one hand stroked the back of his head. He blinked, and realised there was light in the hall and it was behind him. High enough above him that it couldn't be her hand on his back that held it.
"Shhh..it's alright..." Her voice soothing in tone. It warred with Al's in his mind. His chest tightened and he found he couldn't breathe."It's alright.." Her voice soothing in muttering nonsense English words he didn't know in his ears. It was hypnotic in a way, her mothering...It had been a too long since he'd allowed anyone this close...
"N-no" Ed said..voice thick, he struggled with the English words he needed. "Not vr-right... not vvorth..."
"What..a simple hug..?" Mrs. Weasley said soothingly, and rubbed his back-- the portion without a port-- with her palm in small soothing circles. Pressure just even enough.
He didn't want to let Al go...but her voice...the warmth of the embrace around him....He gasped for breath, desperately holding on, blinking. Something warm and wet trickled down his cheeks, and he fought within himself to get them to stop. He only succeeded in making his throat hurt as he swallowed. Which began the cycle: The more he struggled to stop them, the more they flowed down his face.
It was a small thing..the movement he made, barely enough to return the hug she offered him. His didn't grip her tight, his touch featherlight against her back. He blinked back the tears that escaped his eyes, but he certainly didn't sob. It was more a shaking breath that he took and let it out..It made the tightness in his chest release just enough that he was able to feel the hum of several arrays around him.
He jerked his head for a look at their source, and she held the back of his head to restrain him..touch gentle and firm. She rubbed gentle circles at the base of his neck with a finger and thumb, touch so soothing he nearly closed his eyes.
He saw them anyway; Remus, Moody, and Severus, holding wands with their tips lit up, looking down at him. He didn't have the will to even manage a scowl, much less wonder how they had gotten behind him without him noticing. He instead looked away, giving in to the effect Mrs. Weasley was having on him. He touched his forehead to her shoulder.
"Shh..." Mrs. Weasley said soothingly. "Shhhhh..."
"Hmp..better than I thought it would.." Moody growled. "Nice work, Molly."
"Hush, Alestor..." Molly said in that same soothing tone. "Now is not a good time to be asking him too many.."
"Just saying I'm surprised he let you get that close." Moody growled. "From what we've seen, he doesn't like physical contact too much.
"Me too." Mrs. Weasley said. "But he was so..I dunno..like he wasn't here anymore."
"Did it to himself, I think. Like that wound on his arm." Moody said.
"No..I suspect it's more like shock. You didn't feel what he faced in that room." Remus said. "That boggart really dug deep and outdid itself. It managed to manifest throughout the room."
"Ztill.... 'ere.." Ed said sleepily."I...am not...
"shhh..of course not.." Mrs. Weasley said soothingly. "You're just drained, dear..."
Ed scrunched up his eyebrows, and lifted his head.
"Vait..You say..Boggart.." Ed said. "..did dhis..to me?"
"In a manner of speaking.." Remus said.
"Bull. Shit.." Ed said and blinked a slow blink.
"Watch your language, dear.." Mrs. Weasley said soothingly.
"Fine. You're all full of crap." Ed said sleepily in Amestrian. And he gently pushed Mrs. Weasley away. He wiped his tears with his left hand in annoyance, then leaned his back on the wall. He rested the back of his head against it as he regarded each of them with his golden eyes.
"Can you answer a few questions?" Remus said, tone carefully friendly, and calm. "About what we saw in that room?"
"Vaz boggart, vright? I am not knowing vhat you saw dhere." Ed grunted. " I am not being a mind vreader."
"Who was the boy..?" Mrs. Weasley asked softly. "Can you tell me that?"
A fresh tear escaped from the corner of his eye and ran down his cheek, and he closed his eyes. Pushing back against the tightness that threatened to rise in his chest and throat. He breathed in a shaking breath, and let it out.
"My brodder. The vreal vone."
He felt Mrs. Weasley brushing back his unruly bangs, and he opened his eyes once more.
"He seemed...ah..really angry." Remus said, and he squatted down. "at you."
"Yeah." Ed said; He lifted his head and looked down. He folded his arms again; Metal fingers picking at the stinging scar. Mrs. Weasley cupped his cheek, and turned his head towards her.
"Edward...stop.." He couldn't feel her hand, but his pressure plates in his fingers told him something impeded his movements.
:::
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