Naruto pressed his lips together in frustration, jutting both hands on his hips. He swivelled to meet Tsunade's bemused stare and scowled at her visibly suppressed mirth.
"Help me, Baa-chan." He demanded brutely before beaming at the annoyed twitch of her brow.
(But he was never gonna stop calling her that- never!)
"...Please?"
Tsunade then smiled, her answer coming too confidently, too easily and too casually. She didn't hesitate at all:
"Always."
(Who was he meant to love?)
"I won't let you feel like that about yourself anymore, Naruto." Shizune's voice had been so fragile and shaky out of the blue. He hadn't done anything wrong at that time so Naruto had been terribly confused as to why she was upset. "I swear, Naruto, I swear we'll help you."
"...There's- there's nothing wrong with me!"
(Who was he meant to hate? )
-Naruto-
He'd expected a lot from this.
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
His heartbeat was loud but confusingly steady, even as he felt like swaying on the spot from light-headedness.
Distantly, he thought that maybe he should feel... something.
Maybe happy-
Finding out that he wasn't abandoned-
-wasn't unwanted.
-wasn't a filthy traitor.
("You don't belong here, didn't someone tell you already?" "Kaa-san tells me that you're the enemy of Konoha, so I shouldn't go near y-" "-Father tells me I shouldn't talk about that... Or talk to you at all.")
-wasn't a gutter rat born from a prostitute with too little luck because as much as he treasures the words 'mein kleiner Bruder' from Sofia ("-deine große Schwester-" He'd remembered her saying quietly after she'd talked about her lost childhood, platinum blonde hair tickling the top of his head-), he doesn't actually want to be some tossed out brat borne from the actions of some drunkard, delirious man.
-wasn't a monster or an offspring of a devil.
(But in the first place being a 'demon' or a 'devil's brat' wasn't even possible- And surely the Sandaime wouldn't let a demon live- It's not like he could've just ignored what the Villagers had said. It's not like he could've just ignored what had been drilled into his brain. He had just wished for someone- anyone- to sit down with him and to tell him that he 'was human'.)
Maybe sad?
-because his parents were actually dead because the Yondaime was dead and 'Uzumaki Kushina' sounds like a really kind and nice woman and surely (surely) she wouldn't abandon her child so long as she was alive.
("I thought the Matron had already told you. You're an orphan, Naruto. Do you understand what it means?")
He thought he'd feel sad because his parents were actually dead.
He thought he'd feel sad because he would never be able to meet or talk to or hug his two parents. The mild thoughts of his loving parents somehow being inevitably separated from him were utterly crushed and- sure, this wasn't the worst that could've happened but-
He couldn't hold their hands. He couldn't eat their cooked food. He couldn't be reprimanded about cleaning his room. He couldn't be yelled at for playing pranks.
"You should be so happy that you don't have any parents!" Sakura had buried her face into her hands. "My parents took my nail polish away! Even though they're always telling me to be prettier! I really hate my parents, you know?-"
"-They're so annoying and bossy-"
"-You have such a privilege-"
"-Isn't it fun having no parents? You get to do anything you want."
But only Sasuke no one understood, viscerally, how much he wanted to be smacked over the head when he would eat ramen for the fifth time in a day. He wanted to be pulled by the ear when he ditched class. He wanted some sort of- any sort of interaction with his parents.
But he couldn't have that.
And that might've been why he'd acted so rash? He'd hoped that maybe his parents would've swooped in one day to tell him that he should take care of himself and eat good food and take a shower every now and then and-...
"Who even raised you? You have manners like a pig!"
Even if they were to disappear the next second, knowing that they were alive and cared would've been enough but they were dead-
Or perhaps he felt... mad, even.
"You see, the Yondaime Hokage hadn't actually killed the Kyuubi per se-"
Angry. So angry.
"-That 'hero' sealed it into you. The Village over the life of an unwanted, abandoned brat, right? I totally get why he had done what he did."
The Yondaime had been his hero.
His hero.
And yet this hate- this pain. Before he even found out that the Yondaime was his father, he'd loved him and he'd hated him. He'd idolised him for saving the Village yet cursed him for burdening a child.
But- his son? The Yondaime was his father?
Was the Yondaime a man who could look at his newborn babe and decide to curse him with this horrendous life?
Was the Yondaime a man who could look at a life just entering the world and decide that it would have to just live with all those fearful, hateful eyes?
And the Sandaime.
All those years. All those fucking years. Did that old man ever see him as him?
"You were born on October the 10th, the day the Kyuubi was sealed."
Or was Naruto nothing but living ghosts in his eyes? "You're an orphan, Naruto. Do you know what that-" He- "Hokage-jiji!" He thought he'd be boiling with vicious emotions that would demand the many questions behind and around 'How could he keep this from me?' 'How could the Yondaime do this to his child?'
'How could you do this to me?'-
He thought his fist would shake with how tightly he'd need to clench it-
He thought he would've been so full of rage because why-
Just- why?!
But no.
It was... nothing.
All those fleeting thoughts passed through his mind and stayed there, quiet and dormant. The overlapping tones and voices and words rang constantly, humming from the smallest corner of his mind.
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
An expanse of blank emptiness. A void. He didn't really feel anything around his chest or... anywhere at all. His heartbeat was loud and slow, the rhythm slightly distorted in his head as he counted each of his breaths.
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
'Ok.' He thought he could've said. 'Ok then.' But he didn't. Because there were things- small things, but they're small things to keep him sane- that he needed to find out.
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
"Why did..."
Why did no one tell me?
"Why did I get my... Kaa-san-"
His voice hitched because he's never really said that before and meant it as a person rather than a dream or an ideal in his life.
"-Kaa-san's name?"
"There's two reasons." Tsunade replied, voice hard and practical, just loud enough to ground him and just soft enough to not make him flinch.
"In order of importance, I believe it goes like this: the first reason is because the Uzumakis were- are a distinguished Clan. One of the greatest. The Namikaze Clan, on the other hand, was simply a Branch Line. The ancestors traced back to Kiri and in my beliefs, Minato was an orphan whose family had gotten caught up in the wars. Uzumaki held more importance and if it wasn't for Minato's title as Yondaime, then he would've taken upon that Clan name."
"The second being, of course, the Council trying to 'hide' you from Minato's enemies. If it became known that you were Minato's son, Iwa and many others would send assassins to kill you or kidnap you. Even as an infant. Especially because of your status as Jinchuuriki, that was not to be allowed."
His throat was dry, his head was dizzy. The questions... didn't come but he asked the most obvious ones anyway.
(If only just to keep himself here. He felt like if he didn't keep talking and asking and hearing something other than the buzzing and beating somewhere about his head, he'd float away somewhere, his soul and consciousness being carried off by the slight breeze coming from the open window.)
"Why was I chosen?"
"Because you were the only infant available at that time. I don't know much of the details so we'd need to find out ourselves but I know that the Kyuubi attack was sudden. I know that giving birth weakens the seal- that's why female Jinchuuriki aren't usually allowed to have partners, but Minato was Kage and therefore most superior- so it must've been on the night you were born."
Flashing lights and festivals.
"-Don't come here-"
Fox shaped dart boards and mock three pronged kunai.
"-No remorse!"
Hissed words just loud enough so that he could overhear.
"-should repent-"
"-How dare he-"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
"I know it was on the night I was born." Naruto laughed bitterly. His lips downturned into a sneer. "Because I got treated worst on my birthday. The day of the Kyuubi festival. You haven't asked when my birthday was yet, right?"
"Naruto..."
"Your birthday?" Hiruzen looked taken aback. "I- It's the Kyuubi festival day."
"What?" His younger self had not comprehended why the old man would refer his birthday not to a date, rather to an anniversary.
"You were born on October the 10th, the day the Kyuubi was sealed."
"10th of October. The night the Kyuubi attacked."
"And the night you were born." Tsunade countered.
"-What 'celebration' is this?-"
"-How dare you show your face here!-"
He had been confused.
"-Do you know how many deaths we are mourning today? Do you know many you've kil-"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
He wondered whether or not he had deserved that.
"Aren't they both bad things?" He shot back coldly.
"No- Naruto, oh god, no." Shizune whispered, eyes wide. "I don't- Why would you think that-"
"Naruto, do you want to know why you were chosen to be Jinchuuriki?" Tsunade started, her quiet voice resonating clearly in the silent room. "I know Kushina and Minato. Not as well as I wish I did but I've met them and I've talked to them. They chose you because they believed in you as their son."
"Who knows why Hokage-sama still keeps it around."
"Because who else could have dealt with that burden?" Shizune continued, slowly gaining momentum and conviction. "Who else could have carried such a responsibility as an infant and toddler all the way up until now? I'm certain that your parents trusted you with this task. I'm sure it's because they knew you were stronger than others. They knew you of all people would definitely persevere. They trusted you the most, Naruto. Because you were their son."
"Konoha is one big family so from today onwards, you can call me 'Mother'." A kind tone that seemed to be directed to everyone but him-
"Don't call me that." That woman in the orphanage recoiled in disgust and shock. "Who would want to be your mother?"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
The tree ninjas' eyes were on him, their bodies eerily still as they watched through the window. Scared orphans edged away from him. A daring child challenges him, repeating the words his 'Mother' had said, "Who would want to play with you?"
"I'm... not saying that their option was correct but I'm one hundred percent confident that they'd never want you to suffer. Even before they met you, even before you entered this world, I'm sure that they've always wished the absolute best for you."
"It's that boy I talked to you about before." "I told you not to talk to hi-" "-A little dangerous so don't-" "-Why doesn't he have parents?-"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
"I'm saying I lied to you, Kyuubi boy." "His parents are probably traitors from an enemy Village!"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato. A faceless woman. The one who cursed him. Uzumaki Kushina? Namikaze Minato?
"A Hokage wouldn't want a demon running rampant across his Village now would he?"
"The best?" Papers spilt and stationery clattered as Naruto stood up abruptly, turning to leave.
"You know he's a... that, don't you? That's why you all hate him so much!"
('What bullshit.')
The voice triggered a spark.
"What bullshit." That same voice hissed aloud. "-attacked our Village-"
He was half a pace away from the door, swinging to meet Tsunade and Shizune's eyes. "-killed Granny y'know-" "-doesn't belong here-"
"What do you know about me? What do you know about my 'suffering' and my 'perseverance'? Huh? You think you can talk about that? You."
That voice spat. The other two reeled from the amount of vitriol in his voice.
But he's scared because Naruto wasn't strong and he didn't deserve Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato's 'trust.' They don't know. They don't know what he had thought. They don't know how horrible and pathetic Naruto had been.
"You two who hadn't been there for more than a decade of my life! What do you know about me? How- how dare you-"
"You're not..." Tsunade didn't look bothered or angry. A dull expression of shock hit before it gave way under a look of grim realisation. She bit off her words, looking tired and pained. She corrected herself with a tentative and slightly confused: "You're different..."
She immediately caught her own words, a look of blank horror spreading across her face as she realised that it was probably the wrong thing to say.
"Naruto," The old man gave his empty kitchen a cursory glance, sliding the pocket of not-enough-money onto the counter. "You have to understand and accept that you're... different from other people. And that's not... bad."
But Naruto learnt that his 'difference' was actually very 'bad'.
"He's different from others so you mustn't approach him-"
"You're... you're just a different case."
"I don't understand-ttebayo! Why don't you treat me the same? I just want to be norma-"
Rage twisted darkly across his face before-
"I'm not glorifying what you had been going through but survivors just have a different potential, path and journey. They have a different look in their eyes to mere outsiders."
"Don't question me, brat. There are many reasons why I decided to take you under my wing."
-He paused, face dropping blank for a second. "Do you still care? " Truly care?
Shizune gathered herself from whatever stupor she'd been shocked into. "Yes, of course-"
"-Write one person you care about-"
"-Naruto, stop making paper planes with your work! And why is your sheet blank?"
"Oh hey, Naruto-kun." Mizuki crouched beside him. "Are you alright?"
Shizune's words passed straight through him.
"Go to hell." He bit out in a harsh laugh, lips curling backwards into a snarl. "You think I'm 'different'?"
They really didn't know. They didn't know. He was different. Naruto cried a lot and hated a lot and had to hold himself back from attacking before. He was different. But they didn't know and that meant Naruto was lying to the only people who truly cared for him.
He smiles. The strain in his cheeks familiar, eyes welling up with tears of- of happiness- of laughter. He laughs at himself along with the rest of the class. He smiles. He must.
"Why haven't you thought that this might've been how I really wanted to act?" They don't know. They won't like him anymore.
Those fucking eyes- he wants to claw them out- 'What the fuck did you just say?'- they think they're being quiet- can't even whisper properly- 'I can hear everything you're saying, fucking bastard-'
"Who do you think 'Naruto' is exactly? Some happy-go-lucky dumbass who can just- just let you pretend to understand my twelve years of- of-"
"This is just your life." Nothing that old man had said had ever helped him. "Some things will be hard, but I'm sure you'll cope. Naruto, you're a strong boy, after all."
The old man didn't even know that he was treated like that yet he still dared to say such things-
"I know. I'm sorry for messing up." Tsunade's voice was raw and sincere, thick with a burdened guilt that Naruto nauseatingly thought shouldn't belong there.
It made him pause, taken aback.
"I'm sorry for not coming earlier. We both care about you, Naruto, even if we haven't been together for long. If this is how you feel-"
-Then leave.
His breath froze in his chest. (Fear of abandonment- 'this is what would have happened eventually and he really shouldn't be feeling-' )
"You don't belong here, didn't someone tell you already?"
Uzumaki Kushina. Namikaze Minato.
It's fine. It's fine. He should've known from the start and it wasn't like he hadn't seen this comin-
"-then I want you to understand that it's alright."
His breath left his throat in a ragged gasp.
What?
Why?
Shizune's voice was smaller but still defiant. "This is a Safe Zone. You can always trust us and we will always help you. We've told you that before and we have not and will not lie to you about that."
It came out of nowhere. Surprise hitting him in the face. That was impossible. He'd screwed up. They know now. And that meant- And that was-
"Don't lie. Trust. Listen." His voice echoed back at him.
"This is safe. We're safe here."
"Baa-chan."
"What, brat?"
"Shizune-san."
"Is something wrong, Naruto?"
"Do you need help?"
He stuck his tongue out. "Kinda."
And had they ever turned away?
No, they hadn't.
Naruto turned back around, facing the exit, but he stopped before he could leave the room, hand lowering from the door knob. His hand was quivering, he noticed, as it lingered over the cool metal.
The wooden frame of the door was chipped from the time Tsunade accidentally ripped off the hinges.
It was actually just yesterday when she realised that Tonton had accidentally spilt over her box of stored sake. It was kind of stupid because when Tsunade was introducing basic seals to him, she'd actually proudly shown him the storage seal she kept just for storing sake. But the thing was: she always forgot to use them. And then poor Tonton had to deal with the wrath of Tsunade and the broken door.
Despite himself, his lips curled upward a little in mirth.
Shizune had been so pissed afterwards.
"Tsunade-baachan, Shizune-san." Naruto muttered, voice low and murky. It was only because Tsunade and Shizune knew him better than anyone else that they recognised the glint of hope and edge of desperation in his voice-
One thing. Just one thing.
"Did my... parents- Did they..."
"Who would want to be your mother?"
The burning sensation reached his throat, reached his neck and reached the back of his eyes. He felt his throat closing up and he never thought his eyes could burn so harshly.
"I can assure you, Naruto-" Tsunade gave a pained smile towards his back.
"-That they both loved you more than anything else in this world."
The nothingness in his chest had suddenly become so overwhelming that he couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, couldn't move.
The voice triggered a spark and he suddenly felt inflamed.
Why?
But it wasn't a 'why' towards his parents; it was a 'why' towards himself.
Naruto felt only boundless need for the two people who he only just found out to be his parents. He should be angry- he should feel vengeful and full of tearful sorrow but yet he wasn't.
He should've felt- It's logical to feel- It's only right for him to feel disconnected and betrayed by his parents' actions.
He was a child and he was alone.
He should've felt many things but there was only one thing he found within him and it was just a throbbing ache- a raw, burning ache. It felt like something hot seared a hole right through the middle of his chest.
This terrible emotion was full of something that tore at his throat and scraped at his heart. It was some emotion that seemed to dig deep within his chest and twist brutally and mercilessly.
Yet this strange emotion made him feel fuller (but he feels like his lung had been scooped out of his chest) and warmer (but he's freezing and wracking with shivers) than ever before.
It felt somehow familiar- painfully and sweetly familiar- like when Shizune would crouch down to help him up every time he fell instead of sneering down at him.
It felt like when Tsunade would snatch at his limbs, prodding at each of his injuries with a barely disguised concern.
It felt like when Shizune would tell him it was 'safe' for him to do what he felt like.
It felt like when Tsunade would tell him she'd listen to anything he wished to say.
It felt like when they'd tell him and answer to him and give him so many things that Naruto didn't deserve- but even then- even then, they'd see right through him with a soft smile and an unexplained sadness in their eyes.
"It's ok, Naruto."
It was trust. No, it was more than just trust because somehow to Naruto, it always came with pain.
'Oh,' He realised with little shock.
That maybe- just maybe- this emotion he was feeling towards Tsunade, Shizune and those two faceless 'parents' was... 'love'.
(And a child always wants to feel love and to be loved.)
At that simple suggestion- at that simple possibility, agony flooded through him, harsher than any physical wound could give him. A noise tore out into the brutal silence, so stark and raw with aching longing. It was only when his throat started stinging and after sob after sob wracked throughout him that it finally dawned on him that it was him who had made that wounded, pitiful noise all along.
He's still just a crybaby.
His throat scraped, a tear feeling too hot as it tracked down his cheeks, too quickly to be simply brushed away. He was scorching hot- unbearably hot- and his head and chest and stomach and heart hurt like never before.
He had had nothing. And all of a sudden, he had everything.
Who was he to feel so wounded?
(There's a box deep within him, huddled with that nasty, dark voice inside of his head. It's stuffed full of emotions he'd tried to quash ever since he was five and determined to not breakdown again.
But how could he not cry if two unbearably kind people just told him that he was loved by the parents he thought had never existed? How could he not cry when he finally knew that he was actually, actually 'safe'?)
He didn't know what he was meant to feel. Everything he had wanted had been simply given to him. Yet 'everything he wanted' amounted to nothing but... this.
This- this concept of 'love' that he had always chased equated to simply...
Pain? Anger? Betrayal? Regret? Sorrow? Perhaps, even relief?
How could he love? these parents? Yet how could he not?
Was this even about his parents? Or was this about Tsunade and Shizune?
He doesn't know. He's still the same stupid, pathetic, weak, useless sobbing child-
"It's not fair!" He exhaled harshly, hands gripping the arms that had suddenly appeared around him. "It's not fair-" He cried into Tsunade's shoulder. There was a cool hand on his back and it was stable against his shuddering frame.
("And so?" The first Sensei he'd had- strong jaw, hooked nose, naturally down turned lips with two silver piercings on the left side, navy blue hair styled in a side part lob, four silver ear piercings on the left, two on the right, a hitai-ate with grey fabric hanging around her neck- had raised a brow. "Do you think that's a good enough excuse?"
"'Ts-not fair!" He'd repeated, bursting out with tears streaming down his face. "You t-told us that the first day would be g-good fun!"
"That didn't apply to you." She curled her lip, paired with a grimace.
'The silver ring digging into her mouth would've hurt,' He had thought, observing the red, angry mark around her lower lip.
" I apologise; I really should've rephrased it: 'do you think that's a good enough excuse for you?' You understand, right? It isn't 'not fair'; you're... you're just a different case."
The Sensei had sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Look, the sooner you realise it, the less of a hard time you'll have. It's just your life." )
"I know... I know..." Tsunade hushed. "It isn't."
"We'll fix it." Shizune murmured with the softest of tones, "We will."
"The world isn't fair." The Hokage The old man replied dully, eyes pitying (but he didn't want that pathetic, useless 'pity'- maybe he used to crave anything other than hatred or fear but no- not anymore). "But you're a big boy now, an aspiring shinobi, so just... deal with it. You want to be Hokage, don't you?"
What the fuck?
But he had learnt to deal with it, taking his precious role model's words into account, the phrase 'it's not fair' never leaving his mouth again.
Then-
Mizuki peered down, a concerned face hovering over him-"Are you alright-"-"useful little freak"-"Kyuubi?"-the Yondaime wouldn't-
Just deal with it?!
Exhausted indignance wells up in him when he remembered all that fear and hatred and disgust but the anger never rises completely; he just feels a little tired and maybe all that energy he used to try and catch someone's attention just... left and dried out.
"It's not fair... I just wanted..." Naruto whispered softly, the fragile voice splitting and cracking. "I just wanted a family."
Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato's son. He would've been called 'Honourable Son' if his father was alive. His surname would've been more than what he thought had been a random surname given to orphans if his mother was alive. He would've felt happy if they were alive.
Why did he have to deal with this? Why did she tell him that they loved him?
Maybe if Tsunade had told him that his parents were random people who gave no care for him, he'd be able to openly despise his parents. Maybe if he hadn't known that his parents were kind and strong heroes, he'd be able to convince himself that they didn't matter.
Did he love his parents?
He didn't really know. He didn't want to know.
If he didn't even know what 'love' was, how could he just label this- this horrible feeling as such? Love was portrayed as beautiful and fulfilling but Naruto only feels more aware of the ugly, gaping wound in his chest.
"I swear, Naruto, I swear we'll help you." "...There's- there's nothing wrong with me!"
He heard a hum, a hush and it wasn't words and that was fine because Naruto didn't want to hear words. He just wanted a reminder that this room wasn't silently indifferent to his inner storm.
He senses inaudible inhales and exhales and matches his breathing with them. He didn't know how long it'd been but it might've been pretty long because his eyelids were drooping and his arms felt heavy.
"...Was Kaa-san... pretty?"
Tsunade shared a heart breaking smile with Shizune over the top of Naruto's blonde head.
"Yes, she had fiery red hair and an equally fiery temper to match."
Naruto closes his eyes... and no images come to mind. (It hurts more than he thinks it should.)
"...Will you help me?"
"Of course-"
Naruto digs the flesh of his palms into his eyes and staunches the waterworks that are starting to come yet again.
"-We will always help you."
He's still the same stupid, pathetic, weak, useless sobbing child but now, he has a 'home' and he has a 'family'.
And he can... change.