Why did he not understand any of it?
It wasn't like he was staring at something impossible because his brain could understand the words and associate images to them but he really couldn't make any sense of it. A strange six ringed structure appeared sporadically, some words were slanted while others were straight and the font was so small that his eyes struggled to grasp it. The ruffling sounds of paper and tapping of stationary was the only thing keeping him grounded to reality.
From across his desk, the Professor stared at him through narrowed eyes. Was he angry that he was late? Was he disappointed by him? The idea that the Professor might harbour such thoughts made Azil shudder but his mind wandered again like a boat lost at sea.
That girl from earlier had waved at him but he didn't know what to do in response. Did she know him? Who was he? Why was he there? Well, he was there because something in his heart told him he had to be there but now that he had reached his destination, everything he had put aside began to collapse onto him.
He couldn't even do what he was supposed to be doing...
It was strange. His family had always regarded him as positive and he had seldom felt frustration or defeat in his life. Azil had very few regrets and he believed he had lived well but his last memories were vague. He remembered feeling sick and the world fading from his sight. However, even then, he didn't think he had felt so empty. The memories of objects in his head and the painful feelings he had- he didn't think they were his. What he was feeling were the feelings of whoever the body belonged to. Bitterness, helplessness and the overwhelming urge to give up completely without even bothering to try- it was something Azil didn't know how to respond to.
He inhaled deeply and tried to calm his mind but still felt restless. He searched through his pockets and found a 'pen'. He tried using it but his hand kept shaking. He tried using both hands to hold it but felt someone staring at him. The Professor was now looking at him in bewilderment and Azil felt embarrassed to be garnering such unwanted attention. He sighed and put his head down. What was the point? He wasn't even the person who was supposed to be doing it.
...
Again?
"He truly is a blessed child. I'm sure he will bring you much happiness."
"If only he could act more..." "More what?" "..."
"Why does he keep trying to do these things? Isn't he afraid of getting hurt?"
"He said he wants to learn how to write like a scribe."
"Don't send him to her house anymore, he'll pick up his old habits."
It had been a long time since he had such a disconcerting dream. Faintly, he was aware he was dreaming but memories of his childhood and the voices of all the people in his life flashed through.
Azil could remember things perfectly from a very young age which most people forgot. He spent a long time trying to forget those things but now in this strange place, those memories were comforting as harsh as they were.
Distantly, he knew that he was not suited to be a young master but was grateful for everything that had been given to him. It was his own flaw that prevented him from understanding and it was his fault if other people didn't like him. He couldn't see it back then. Only now did he see it.
When Azil woke up, he felt tears in his eyes but thankfully, nobody was paying attention. He lifted his head slowly, unsure of how he had fallen asleep. The clock on the wall read that he had only ten minutes left.
'Why bother? You're just a failure anyway.' This time, that voice wasn't anyone from his life. It looked like his memories were getting mixed up because he was occupying someone else's body and that person's strong feelings of resentment and self-hatred were invading his memories.
Yet the dream had given him a bit more clarity and Azil decided to read over the paper again. It was too complicated, it made no sense and the negative feelings were distracting but he wanted to do it anyway. The him who was worthless in his old life and the person who had been told they were worthless- the two of them were similar. Azil didn't want to give up on himself or that other person. Why should they have to live like that?
He became so engrossed in reading that he lost track of time which he didn't have much of to begin with. He was broken from his intense state of concentration when the Professor tapped the desk.
"What are you doing?" The Professor asked, looking concerned.
"I'm reading." Azil answered honestly. He had managed to memorize the entire first half and some parts of the second half but there was still some left. The Professor didn't seem too happy with his response because his eyebrow twitched.
"Rahey..." He started, "I know that you don't like exams and I know you like to laze around but never in my life did I think you would not write down a single answer in two hours. Do you think this is some sort of joke?"
Azil frowned. He didn't like being scolded but he could understand how it looked from an outsider's perspective. "I'm sorry." He said earnestly. "I'm really sorry."
The Professor sighed, confused but his eyes had softened. "I know...that your parents can be difficult sometimes and I'm glad you showed up but the first paper is in two weeks."
Azil nodded as the Professor spoke. He had just registered that his name was 'Rahey' in that world and was trying to piece together Rahey's character.
"Can you promise me you'll pass? That's all I want."
Azil felt a firm sense of determination well up in him. It appeared that his sense of commitment was still intact so he nodded again. "I will."
The Professor sighed. "Time's up. You're supposed to leave now but I can offer you a few more minutes if all you want to do is read."
"Thank you." Azil said sincerely. "Thank you so much."
***
He ended up sitting there for another ten minutes before the Professor whose name was Lyne told him he had to leave. Azil now knew what kind of form questions appeared in but knowing what the answers looked like was as important. The Professor suggested he go to the library and go over 'answer keys' and since he had nothing else to do, he decided he might as well.
"Rahey! Hey! I'm talking to you, Rahey!"
It took a few seconds for him to realize someone was calling out to him. When he turned around, he saw the girl from earlier.
"We need to talk."