Lukas awoke the next day in a melancholic mood. He still remembered every emotion from last night, even if he didn't know what it was.
He was angry at the ghast, for it was a ghast who ripped away his family from him. He was angry at himself or succumbing to fear, for not being able to act.
He was afraid that he would face a similar reaction every time he encountered a ghast. Would his life devolve to fear, unable to complete even one task he had to fulfil?
At least Vesa was there. It was her that pulled Lukas back after all. There's a good chance, at least in Lukas' mind, that if she weren't there he would've succumbed to the fear that enveloped him.
Right now, however, he was... a mess. He didn't know if he couldn't feel any emotions right now, or if he was feeling all of them. It would be the same static haze in his mind regardless. But that didn't mean he would give up.
Even if every time he saw a ghast, he collapsed. Even then, he would still keep trying, he would still try to get even one swing in.
"Are you all right? We're going to head out soon now that you're awake."
Right, he was on a mission with Vesa. Lukas' mind was still groggy and filled with recollection. His mind was just filled with noise, as if he was standing in a large group of people, all talking to him. He couldn't understand every thought he had.
"I'm fine..."
Vesa looked at him for a few moments before she turned to continue observing their surroundings.
"We'll leave when you are ready."
Lukas thought about the events of last night through a different lens. He remembered how fast the ghast was. With its speed, he wasn't entirely sure if he could get close enough to swing at it.
'What if I use the chain instead? I think I could grab it.'
He did have two weapons after all. If he could not fight at the range he wanted, he would force his opponent into it.
While his mind was pondering what he could do, it naturally wandered. It went forward little by little, to each event that happened after. He saw the ghast and froze in fear. The ghast ran away and he collapsed, after which Vesa pulled him back instead of chasing the ghast.
When he thought of that last one... a weird feeling grasped at his heart. One that he had been there before. It was a strange warmth, but a little different than sitting by a fire. He rationed it to be a sense of gratitude and thankfulness for Vesa.
But even then, that couldn't explain it, it had to be a little deeper than simply being grateful. She did save him, to some extent. Whether he would have shattered like glass or been otherwise permanently altered after the event is debatable. But there is no question that he would not have been the same person. And for that, of course, Vesa saved him.
Either way, he wasn't sure what this new warmth was. He couldn't understand a lot of things, one more to the pile was too surprising, nor important.
Soon after, however, the duo left to continue pursuing the ghast. Yet, for the entirety of the day, and most of the next, they followed an ever-dwindling trail of breadcrumbs without getting closer to their goal. The ghast was swift and elusive. It never left more than a few tracks or a droplet of blood.
With each hour that ticked by, a weight continued to pull down his spirits. A well of regret and self-loathing pooled within Lukas.
He blamed himself for everything that happened. It was HIS fault the ghast got away. HE was the one who collapsed in fear. If HE hadn't frozen the ghast would be dead, and the both of them would already be back at Mystic Camp.
Two days after their first encounter with the ghast, in the evening, the weight pressing down on Lukas was visible. He could no longer hide how dampened and dreary his spirits were. His self-conscious self-loathing followed him like an ever-gloomy shadow.
Even Vesa couldn't ignore him any more.
"Kid, something got you bugged? You seem a bit more down than before."
The two of them sat around a small lantern. They didn't need any heat on this night, just the light.
"I-... I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"I'm sorry for letting the ghast escape. I'm sorry for not acting. I'm sorry for making you worried... I... I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything..."
Vesa stared at him with an obvious confusion plastered across her face.
"I don't accept your apology. There's nothing to apologise for. You didn't do anything wrong; why would you apologize for something you couldn't control?"
Although this didn't lighten all of Lukas' spirits, Vesa's words lifted some of Lukas' weight. He didn't know what Vesa would say, but he never expected that, he was even momentarily stunned. But Vesa continued.
"Honestly, did you assume you were the only one to go through a hell like that? When I first joined, I went through something similar, and so did most people in the Fortissimo. Yours was a little more extreme than most, but that just adds to my point. You couldn't control yourself, and you can't blame yourself for letting it get away. I chose to stay by you, that's my mistake if you want to blame someone."
Vesa laughed softly to herself.
"Seriously, why didn't Bene think to teach you that? Or at least warn you. What an oaf."