"Why?"
"Why are you doing this to me, Femi?" I asked for the umpteenth time as tears flowed unrestrained down my cheeks.
"How can you do this to me?" I asked, struggling for control.
My heart was breaking. I couldn't breathe. My heart was aching and burning and it was beating so fast I thought it was going to burst out of my chest.
I raised my gaze from my belongings which littered the floor of our bedroom to look at the man I had chosen over my family. The man I sacrificed so much for. The father of my daughter. My first love.
"Cut the drama, Jessica. I'm not interested in your tears, I'm done with this relationship, so do me a favor by leaving. I'm done!" Femi snapped at me.
"Why? Can you at least tell me what I've done to deserve this? What did I do so wrong to make you treat me this way? I've done nothing but love you all these years…."
"Did I ask for your love? Did I ever ask for your love? Who asked you to love me?" He yelled.
"Ah, Femi! How can you say that to me?" I cried.
"How can I not say that to you? Look, I'm not interested in this. Just leave! I don't love you. I never did, and I will never do. You are just not up to my standard. You are not my spec…."
"Femi!" I cried louder as my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
His words, like a two-edged knife, cut deeper into what was left of my broken heart.
"What? Why do you keep yelling my name like you are the one who named me?" He asked angrily.
When did our relationship become so uninteresting to him? Where did I go wrong? These thoughts flashed through my mind as I fell on my knees to beg.
"Please, let's not do this. We can work things out. I'm sorry if I offended you. Please whatever it is, tell me and I will change. Even if it's just for our daughter's sake, Please," I cried and begged desperately.
"Have you no pride? If a man says he doesn't want you, you should get lost instead of crying and trying to hold on to something that is nonexistent. This is the reason I don't like you. You are too foolish. I just told you that you are not my spec and I don't like you. What are you going to change about that? You are not up to my standard!"
"Your standard? Your standard, Femi? I don't deserve this from you. Not after all I've done…."
"After what you have done for who? What exactly have done for me? Don't tell me this is what you plan to do after you leave here. You plan to go out and tell people that you did something for me," he said and I looked at him in shock.
"What have I done for you? Are you really asking me that? I worked my fingers to the bone to send you to school! I am the reason you are a graduate! I am the reason you are who you are today!" I screamed, angry that he had forgotten that fact.
"Really? You are going to share God's glory? Okay. If you are the reason I am a graduate why are you not a graduate? Why did you not send yourself to school? Tell me," he said and my legs gave in and I crumpled on the floor weakly.
I couldn't believe that after all I had done in order to make our lives better, he did not acknowledge any.
"You can't answer that, can you? Very soon you will say you are the reason I got a job too. Go on and say it! Say it!" He yelled.
"I gave up my education so I could take care of our child and work to get money to send you to school…."
"Did I ask you to do any of that? Why didn't you abort the pregnancy when I asked you to?" Femi asked, cutting me off.
"Where do you expect me to go? I have no place to go, and you know it," I cried, hoping that would touch him.
"Go to your friends…."
"I don't have any. You made me cut off my friends," I cried.
"Hear how foolish you sound. An adult like you. I made you cut off your friends. Are you a kid? Can't you make decisions for yourself? So if I asked you to put your hand in fire you will do it?" He asked, and I stared at him in disbelief.
"Well, I don't care if you have friends or not. I'm sure you have enough money saved to rent your own place…."
"What money? When last did you give me any money? You made me stop working…."
"You are doing it again. Sounding foolish. I made you? So, you're saying you don't have any friends or money because of me? So it's my fault? This is more reason you should leave since I'm now the evil person," Femi said, and even though his words angered me, I shook my head.
"Femi, please…."
"Listen, I'm going out. By the time I get back, I want you out of here with everything that belongs to you. If I come back and you are still here, don't hold me responsible for anything I do to you," Femi said as he headed for the door.
"What do you expect me to do? This is too much for me, Femi. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this from you. What about our daughter? How do you expect me to care for her alone?" I asked before he could leave.
"What is wrong with you? Didn't you just say you worked your fingers to the bone to train me through school? Do the same for yourself and your daughter. I don't care. I never wanted her anyway. So please, just get lost now that I'm asking kindly."
"Is this the thank you I get? Is this my reward for standing by you and helping to build you all these years?"
"You should have just built yourself, madam builder. Don't let me see you here when I get back. My fiancée is coming tomorrow…."
"Fiancée?" I asked, shocked.
"Yes. Fiancée. The lady I'm getting married to. You didn't think I would get married to you, did you? I don't want her to meet you here, so disappear," Femi said and I staggered backward.
I couldn't believe that he already had a replacement for me and I didn't know it.
"Why? Why are you marrying someone else after I have spent all these years with you?" I found myself asking.
"You keep asking the same question in different ways. You are not educated enough. I'm aiming for a promotion and you are not suitable enough to be by my side. The last time I took you to our company dinner party you embarrassed me with all those silly questions you kept asking. You are what they call beauty without brains. I can't deal, please. I need someone on the same intellectual level as me. I'm done talking. Leave before I get back," Femi said and without another word to me, he walked away.
As I heard the door close behind him, I groaned in pain. I realized for the first time what it meant to groan. My pain was so deep and raw that I couldn't voice it out. My heart was bleeding and it was a wonder that the tears I shed weren't blood.
I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe. It was at this moment I understood that the heart was connected to the lungs in such a way that my heartache could make my heart deprive my lungs of oxygen.
I didn't know how long I sat there groaning and gasping for air until my daughter who had been out playing with our neighbor's kids called me.
"Mummy."
I raised my head with tears in my eyes when my four-year-old daughter touched my shoulder.
"Why are you crying?" She asked with concern in her eyes and I turned my face away from her and brushed away my tears before looking at her again.
I forced a smile, "I'm not crying," I said with wobbly lips even as more tears rolled down my cheeks, and I brushed them off.
No matter how broken I was, I couldn't let her see me this way. I needed to be strong for my daughter. I had to figure out a way to care for my daughter now. I couldn't just remain here, crying and begging.
I needed to come up with a plan, but first things first, I rose and made my daughter sit on the bed, and then I reached for the top of the closet and brought down my wooden piggy bank.
I had been saving some money each time I went to the market to buy groceries with the aim of getting Femi a present for his birthday.
I broke the box and counted the money inside. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.
I tucked the money into the front pocket of my jeans trousers before moving around to gather my clothes which were strewn across the bedroom.
As I did that, I couldn't help but wish that it were this easy to gather the broken pieces of my shattered heart.
I was twenty-two years old, a secondary school dropout, and a single mom. Just how was I going to survive?