I could feel it in the air hours before the door even opened and an annoyingly sweet voice from a guy in a full-body condom turned every head to him.
While walking up to the bar with a sway in his hip, he decided to give Saitama a nice slap on his shiny head and complement how he could use his as a mirror. If that wasn't enough, he also dressed a few buttons on Darth Vader's suit that activated his inbuilt toilet and stole Sherlock Holmes' hat.
"Hey there, daddy. Have you seen this man?" Deadpool asked me as he held up what could only be described as a child's doodles of him killing a stick figure that said "Hi, I'm Francis"
"No, now get lost, Reynolds"
"Hey, hey, hey, amigo, you can't just break the 4th wall like that, you have to do it gently, like the foreplay when you get a girl ready for her first time."
"…I just did, I prefer the fast and painful way, like ripping off a band-aid"
But the red man-child was no longer listening as he was screaming like a horny high school girl that saw her idol as he made his way to Stan Lee.
He managed to molest over half of my customers before I threw him out. Deadpool came and left like a storm dressed in spandex but I never hated him for that. He was unique and as fun as he was annoying. Somehow, Deadpool and his actor had the same personality.
Who else would love such an ugly dog like Dogpool? Reynolds fell in love with Britain's ugliest dog and wanted to make her Dogpool, Deadpool loved anything weird and different anyway, but even Reynolds's daughter seemed to have inherited his insanity as she wanted to keep Dogpool.
Let's stop there, the 4th wall has already been seriously damaged.
Two weeks later, he came again but this time with his fiancé. Was she already his fiancé? No clue.
Needless to say, he caused chaos but most customers had already gotten used to his antics and just ignored him. While that was good news, it also meant that from now on the walking cancer would come by almost daily, making cultural references that no one really understood except me and my family.
Just as everything seemed to be returning to normal, everything changed and the reason why Stan didn't mind me ruining this world came to light. Similar to the "What if… Zombies" episode, the quantum realm was infected with the Quantum Virus, turning Scott Lang into a zombie when he shrank down to destroy the Yellowjacket suit.
It was a bit different from the "What if…" series since it wasn't the idiot Hank Pym who doomed the world. In a matter of hours, many states were completely infested with zombies. Unlike in horror movies, there was no way to really hide from them as they had no real weaknesses like only reacting to sound or not being able to open doors and climb ladders.
"Well, this is a problem," I said as I, along with many other customers, looked through the window.
"Boss, can you relocate this place to somewhere else?" some random drunkard asked
"Of course, I can. Alright everyone, after today, this place will be relocated. Till then, enjoy whatever you're having" Everyone cheered as the end of the world no longer stopped them from coming here.
"What about me?" Deadpool asked
"What about you?"
"Can I come with you? Pretty please with a cherry on top."
"No"
"Not even if I give you a blowjob and call you daddy"
"No, and you are already calling me daddy for some reason"
"Oh, right. So, can I sleep in your bed tonight?"
I just looked at his expecting eyes and scoffed before throwing him out. He would probably become a zombie too but I had a feeling that even if he turned into a zombie, he would remain the same and somehow even find a way to whatever universe I am going to settle in next.
There was also a good chance that becoming a zombie would be better for his ugly visage, even an undead corpse looked better than whatever that was.
So, the following night after all the customers left and Deadpool was running from the zombies, I relocated the main body of this place to another universe. This universe didn't have mutants but at least not everyone is going to die in a gruesome realistic way, like the previous heroes did.
The moment the building appeared, a familiar baldie came to my door AGAIN.