Nathanael was right. I have been taking all of this surprisingly well. A little too well, in my opinion. I am not jumping and recoiling upon hearing dogs barking. I am not flinching at the sight of… Teenagers that might potentially kidnap me…
I have been thinking about a lot of things the past few days, over analyzing them even, without ever considering the repercussions on my mental health. I doubt the impact of it all was that deep. I mean, I'm already coming to terms with the idea that I may never shed the feeling of being watched; the weight of it is still hanging on my shoulders, but now it's becoming just another everyday thing. I can't stop thinking about that "invisible" waiter, and the jar of salt at the restaurant.
Our encounter with the kelpies constantly flashes back in my mind, and every time that happens, it unearths more details about it that my brain chose to bury for some reason. The shifting process of the wolf people plays on repeat in my head…
The only new thing in all of this is that now, whenever I think about Nathanael, I can't help but feel about his touch on my skin, the warmth of his breath on me. I instantly get distracted by the savory image of our bodies together. I haven't been sexually active in the past few months, and I've been successfully repressing my desires until now… I can't win against them anymore.
"Can you like… Pay attention?" Izzy snaps her fingers in front of my face.
"You know, you could've gotten me fired, right? I still had one hour of work on my shift. The fact that today was your day off doesn't mean it extends to me too," my irritation with her very apparent, I let her know exactly what she did wrong.
Izzy ambushed me today at the antique shop. She came around an hour before the end of my shift. She begged, then huffed and puffed for me to leave with her until Mr. Griffin had had enough of her whining and came down to tell me I was free to just go.
"Bullshit! You know damn well Zephyr Griffin has never had any employees and never needed them in the first place. He just gave you that job out of pity,"
I hate her… She's right, "Fuck you! And all good things must come to an end. He's seventy-five or something like that; pity or not, he can't take care of everything in the shop on his own anymore. And I have been paying attention! Besides us, there are thirteen customers in this coffee shop, five of which came in after us. Plus, the three staff members behind the counter and I know that there's at least another one in the back. Do you want me to list all of them by name?"
"I meant, pay attention to me!" she retorts.
"Frankly, I've been trying not to,"
"So, why all the secrecy? If things were going so well between you and Nathanael, why were you acting all suspicious and weird?" I open my mouth to tell her that things are complicated, but it appears she isn't done talking, "And for the love of god, don't say it's too complicated or some vague shit like that!"
"Fine, I won't say it then, but I really have nothing to say other than that,"
"You're depressing to look at, did you know that?" she shoots at me.
"Wow! Fuck you again, I guess,"
"See? That's exactly what I meant! You've never told me to fuck off twice in the same conversation," she takes a moment before speaking in a softer tone, "I really hate to see you like this. I know things haven't been great for you lately but… I am at a loss for words, it's like you're not even trying,"
"I don't know what you're talking about. I've been living in the moment and accepting the consequences of my own actions,"
"Yeah, well, you haven't really been a beacon of positivity. And what the hell is that even supposed to mean? Living in the moment doesn't have to be so negative, and you can atone for your actions without entirely giving up on life," she's not letting it go, it seems.
"I think that throwing this cup of coffee in your face would make me feel better and less negative," I say as my hand hovers dangerously closer to the ceramic cup in front of me.
"I said happy thoughts, not intrusive thoughts,"
I get what she's hinting at. This is one of the reasons I like to sit with her. She points a finger at issues I prefer to curb. It has been two months since I quit my job at the hospital, and it's as though I am just trying to settle for a life I don't really care to live. And everyone around me can see through it. Being a biologist was the only way I found to express my love for life, the only way to connect with the living, breathing world and there was joy in it for me. I love the impact it makes in the progress of humanity but most of all, I love that I was really good at it. It's been my safe haven. It got me through so much, but it's not like I can just… Forget what happened? I can't allow myself to be selfish with this, not this way.
"You're being selfish!" she shakes me out of it.
"What?"
yes, what the fuck?
"You've made one mistake! One! And you just quit? You just threw every bit of effort you've ever made out the window,"
"How is it selfish to not want to kill people? That one mistake you're downplaying so much, almost killed someone. We're not surgeons, but we still hold the lives of patients in our hands, one way or another," I am starting to lose my temper.
"Yes, and I absolutely believe you on that. I think that you need to take your time and heal from the experience, but that is not what I am on your ass for. I just want you to admit that part of the reason you refuse to even give yourself a chance is because you were wrong, not just because it almost cost somebody their life. You've always been excellent, fuck that, you've always been the best I've known in our field amongst our peers, but you have to accept that you can't always be right,"
"Here we go again," I roll my eyes.
"No, seriously! Let's talk about it. Everyone who's ever known you, has always praised you for your genius in the field, including myself. Everyone always gushes about the great future you have ahead of you, but no one knows the cost of it. The crippling obsession with perfection you've developed with it throughout the years. No one but me, of course. What kills me is that you never want to admit it, not even to me," she empties her heart out, as though afraid she'll never get another chance to again.
What I hate the most about it, is that she's a hundred percent right, "Pfft! You couldn't be more wrong!" I think I'll just dig a deeper hole for myself. A place where I can keep denying it in peace.
"Cut that shit out! Will you? We've been friends for over fifteen years now, you can't lie for shit to me,"
"Well, then, fuck you for the entirety of the past fifteen years,"
Why am I still friends with her again? Right, for this exact same reason. She always brings forth subjects that I put aside and neglect to even think about. She has her fingers on the pulse of matters I'm too afraid to delve into.
She tries to pry more out of me than I am comfortable sharing. When she sees that it isn't working, she concludes that it's time for us to head back home. We'd been walking all around town for more than two hours. I'd realized that she'd dragged me out of work for the sole purpose of buying dresses for the upcoming ball, the moment we entered the first clothing store.
The Ferwulf ball is another topic of discussion that was left hanging when Izzy had laid eyes on what she proclaimed to be the perfect dress for herself.
I wanted to go over the fact that she'd received her own invitation, separate from the one I was given by Erolina.
The previous night, once she was done harassing me for more details about me and Nathanael, she went ahead and told me that she'd gotten an invitation to that same ball. It got me thinking; why? Erolina knows that Izzy isn't aware of their existence. If Izzy was supposed to be my plus one, then, why invite her separately? But again, just why? The only reason I am being invited to it in the first place, is because I know their true nature.
"Look! Should we go in?"
She stops in front of a straight staircase leading downwards towards a little shop. The dazzling sign at the front reads; "Learn your fortune from the witch of the north".
The witch of the north? What in the wizard of Oz is this? The inside seems so somber, not much can be seen from where we stand. The only thing I can tell is that the decadent wooden frame around the vitrine used to be painted in a specific shade of red. I know which shade it is because this shop has been here for as long as I can remember. It's all chipped out now, holding on to dear life. It looked really beautiful once upon a time. Aside from that, it hasn't changed at all. I just don't recall the sign about a witch being there before.
I feel Izzy nudging my right arm towards the stairs, "Why though? I am really tired. Can't we just go home?"
She lets go of my arm and heads for the shop, completely ignoring my last request. She leaves me high and dry, carrying most of the bags in my hands.
I could just… Do the same to her… I could just leave her here and go home.
Technically.
And frankly, I think I should do it.
"C'mon, she says she wants to read your fortune first!!" Izzy hollers at me while peeking behind the door of the shop.
She could be lying just to get my attention. It wouldn't be the first time, "What? Why would she…?" I start questioning it but then realize meeting this fortune teller myself would answer them for me, "Never mind, I am right behind you,"