"Why am I like this?", a hoarse and a weak trembling voice came out from my dry throat.
I looked up at the white celling with no sign of hope in my eyes. I then recalled how meserable a life I had lived all this years.
'I dont know why I'am always so unlucky...'
From birth I never had experience peace and comfort throughout my life. Every moment was cruel, unfair, unwanted and uncomfortable.
Just after giving birth to me, my biological mother died due to her weak health and unknown cause. She was only person who had ever loved me. As she had gave her own life so that I could live a good life but I never had the life she hopped I could get.
Father have never loved me since I was born. He only had liked my mother mainly because of her beautiful look.
I could never accept this family who hates my presence and the stepmom whom the father married after my moms death treats me as a burden and fealthy trash she wanted to throw out of the house.
Similarly, the look of my father toward me also have shown full of disgust, regret and a waste. He never thought of me as his son instead he sees me as a curse and the criminal who stoled my mother's look and her life.
I hate it...
I hate it to the point I want to commit a sucide .
But knowing that my mother has taken such cruel path just for me to live I wasnt not able to harm myself, just for her sake.
Until I found that the disease my mom had was uncurable and the remedy for this was still not discovered yet. And with my unfair and helpless unfavorable fate, that uncurable disease had already been inflected to me; her son since the day I was born and it was all passed due to the same genitics reason.
'Life never went in the way I expect it too. In my life things can only get worse and worse as the days start to move forward whereas me and my poor health lagged backward.'
It was when I just started my middle school, I was living a dull and a tedious daily life I suddenly passed out in front of everyone while doing pt during my physical class. All the 'students' and teacher ware shocked seeing what happened so they immediately called 'the' family.
I know that family dont care whether I die or live, I have always been a sick child and they had never even took my worsening health in their eyes.
Beside, my thought had never been wrong as I had always seen their acts.
Little did I know, that day was just the beginning. I managed to regain consciousness, but my lower body remained unresponsive. I dont know why but I was scared even had a tiny bit of hope that he might come which was likely to never happen...
Nevertheless, my fragile last rope of hope for life was broken, while my unwanted expectetion was true, none of the person from the family came dispite getting emergency call from the school. Instead, a stranger whom I had never seen before was sent.
He took me to the nearest hospital, told the doctor to digonize disease or the health problem I had and why I wasnt able to move my lower body.
Since it was known that I was weak from young age and will get sick frequently.
Family must have known I had the same disease my mother had but never told me nor did they give any information on what happen to my mom.
I only found that my mom had uncurable disease when the doctor told me the disease inside my body had reached the last stage and that disease was the genitic tranferable which is likely to be tranfered through blood and DNA.
From that day, I lost the every motive for life even the small light of my eyes evanesced.
Time went on with nothing to do, my life was always in the smelly hospital.
I was sick of seeing white color and the pungent smell of the hospital. I dont have any choice but to lay down on the bed always. Only tool to reduce my bordom was my potato phone.
I watched every fantasy novels that had the genre I liked. It was fun at first seeing protagonist travel to new world, learning magic and sword arts, fighting big scary monsters and becoming the strongest in the whole world after conquering everything the new fantasy world could provide him.
However, in every novel I read I started to hate and get jealous to progonist. I feel like he is too naive and kind despite that he is loved by everyone unlikely me who has never felt warmth emotion. Person like him the destiny child will never understand the pain and suffering I had been going through and will continue even after death. Compare to that world, the real world was simply a painfull nightmare.
For that reason and all, I felt myself more related to the minor role villain who never get happy ending even if he tried his best.
It's funny to even think.
I have wished so many times and prayed that after this night I will wake up in another world and start my new life but it never happened.
My wish were only 'a dream'.
I was really childish thinking of things that is only possible in movies or fictional stories. I felt ashamed, Iam already 16 years old and is still acting like a kid.
"..."
'Well...', Other than reading novels, I have tried few games however my interest was gone in half way of playing. My phone always lags it cannot even handle low-spec games futhermore, too much of game crash occurs frequently and I will lose almost every round, along my dropping mood to continue further.
Mainly the reason was that the cheap phone I had was bought from the salary I got from doing part-time job. I wannted to buy a latest model but I didnt. Rather, I cannot just use all the money on one things, Can I? And I still require it for buying my needs.
After all, I still had to save up to atleast 100k$ so that I could later leave that damn house. But looking at my current state it's simply impossible...
For such reason, I had lived frugally my whole life not buying what I want and avoided using my money extravagantly eventhough 'the family' was rich.
It just that 'The Family' was rich but never had they gaven me allowence or any pocket money since they dont like me to be with them.
I wannted to leave that uncomfortable house a long ago but I am still young and it was hard to survive alone in the city where I'am in alone.
On top of that, going out of the city had never been on my thought because I dont have any idea how the world are outside, I have always been homesick. So, I never had been exposed to other parts of the city.
I could only hold my regret deeply inside my already broken heart.
* * * * *
"Is this how my life gonna end...", I cursed in distress and anguish, recalling the bitterness of the past.
'Thinking of the painful past is not a good for my current state.' reminding myself I retreated my gaze from the sun that was discending.
"The sun is falling, seems like it will be night in few hours." saying this I took out oxygen mask and slowly turned my body to left side to get my phone which I had charged since the time I was reminiscing and now it should be fully charged.
After turning to other side, I used my both hand on bed to lift by weak body.
'Aug-', I felt pain in my arms which was again reminding me of my miserable body. Since I have been lying the whole time and my body was already too weak due to that disease. Just using little force could hurt me.
But i ignored the pain in my arm and sat on the bed with the support of my trembling thin stick like arm, I stood my upper half.
I was heavely breathing.
'This little action caused me out of breath, it seems like I dont have much time left ', I thought with head bowing and trying to get more oxygen to sustain my unstable breath.
After my breath was maintained little bit, I pussed my body toward the head of the bed and rested my upper half to the white wall so as the support my body and give my trembling hand a rest.
I again unconsciously looked toward the window.
The sun was gone, and darkness was engulfing the blue sky. Telling it was the beginning of the night time, a time where everyone take rest after coming from their works.
But to me both day and night are the same. There is no way my mind will be in peace even at such silence.
I really want to scold myself for not trying enough and procrastinating everydays.
I cannot even count how many times I have used the word 'if'.
Maybe I was just not destined to have happy life or
"Is it really my own fault?", I asked myself in a very weak and hoarse voice with all the energy I had left in my body.
The drop of painful tears slowly started to roll out from my eyes. This tears were not because of bad emotion and suffering I had but it was the last drop I could take out. Maybe it had another meaning but I cannot think of it anymore.
For every being life is like this once it starts, it will eventually end too.
Darkness covered the whole world now and I no longer could move my body. My pale eyes closed and my conscious started to drown in darkness. My thoughts were fading away just like this...
'Finally I-i could rest...'
"I'am sorry mom"
Today was the exact date when I was born and I died too.
[ 9th September, 2024]