On a celestial body floating in the primordial void, hundreds of gods, flanked by thousands of angels, stared into the void. The tension in the air was overwhelming, as these immortal beings prepared themselves for a battle beyond mortal comprehension.
Or at least, beyond most mortals' comprehension. Standing on either side of the celestials' army were two groups of humans, the only mortal factions deemed worthy to participate in a battle of this level.
On the left flank, led by Boom, The First Legend, were a hundred of his elite troops. Trained in explosive magics, these rough, undisciplined ruffians were easily distinguishable from their heavenly allies by their questionable smell and the fat cigars in their mouths.
On the right flank, led by Sweet, The Defender of Humanity, were a hundred battle-maidens. Trained by their leader in the ways of wanton violence, these disciplined soldiers barely looked out of place next to their angelic counterparts, only distinguishable by the magnificent armor they donned and the cans of liquid courage in their off-hands.
The combatants stood at the ready, waiting, staring, until a god at the center of the formation shouted, his voice easily projected to reach all those present.
"He is coming. Prepare yourselves!"
On cue, something tore the chaotic space above them open. The tear was first a foot long, then a thousand, then miles and miles long. From the tear emerged countless monstrous horrors, followed by several behemoths. These, in turn, were followed by a massive hand, then another. The two hands grasped the edges of the tear and pulled, tearing the space further.
The two hands then retreated back into the tear. Moments later, a titan jumped out of the tear and landed on the celestial body. The ground shook from the impact, staggering several of Boom's and Sweet's soldiers.
As the monstrous horrors charged toward them, the heavenly defenders settled into defensive stances.
The same god that had sounded the warning earlier soared into the sky and raised his lance over his head as he faced his army. "Stand tall, my comrades, for this is heaven's final hour! We make our stand here—there is no retreat!"
"HOOAH!"
The first wave of monsters clashed against the vanguard of the celestial army, while several gods took it upon themselves to leave the ranks of the angels to do battle with the behemoths, for the giant creatures would sow chaos among the ranks if given the opportunity to do so.
A special force composed of only the most powerful gods, as well as Boom and Sweet, flew towards the titan in the distance. Dwarfing even the mountains of the celestial body, the titan loomed over them.
Like a bunny trapped in the claws of an eagle, Boom was being ferried along by Tori, a god in the Light faction. "Isn't he a bit short? You told me your daddy was the biggest being in the universe, but I can see his balding head from—Woah! Hey there!"
Boom's stomach lurched as Tori dropped him, then again as the petty god caught him and brought him back up to the others.
"Oi, you bastard! I may not die from a fall like that but it's still fucking scary!"
Sweet looked over at Boom and shook her head. "It amazes me."
"What, my looks?"
"It amazes me how you're unafraid of the strong being in existence, the literal foundation upon which all living things were made—but are still afraid of heights."
Tori nodded in agreement. "Your partner would do well to remember the status of the enemy we face."
He turned towards the titan, his voice softer. "Our father may have lost his way, but he is still The Harbinger of All Things. It would do you well to give him the proper respect he commands."
Boom looked forward again and sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I was just trying to lighten the mood."
He pulled out a cigar from a coat pocket and brought it to his lips before igniting it with a quick snap of his fingers.
"Well, whatever. I've enough ammunition to burn this whole place to the ground five times over. Let's get to it."
Tori finally cracked a smile. "Indeed, mortal. The time of our glorious battle has arrived. Prepare yourselves!"
"We've known each other for years now, Tori. I think it's about time you call me Boom."
"In due time, mortal. Prepare yourself."
Boom looked up at the titan's head, then down at the ground, thousands of feet beneath him. "Yeah. Ready as I'll ever be. Let's do it!"
"Best wishes, mortals."
With that, Tori released Boom, and the god who had been carrying Sweet released her as well.
Sweet landed on the ground with incredible force, releasing a shockwave that knocked all the nearby monsters off their feet.
Boom's landing was slightly less impressive, as he landed on his feet only to have his knees buckle. With a 'splat', he fell forward and faceplanted into the ground.
"Get up. It's not the time to play around."
"Sorry I don't have practice falling from thousands of feet in the air. You clear the path. I want to save my ammo for the big one." Boom patted two pouches hanging from either side of his waist.
Sweet wrinkled her nose, but nodded. "Stick close."
Boom nodded, then jumped onto Sweet's back and latched on like a humanoid backpack.
"What are you doing?!" Sweet shouted.
"Sticking close!"
Without another word, Sweet grabbed Boom's arm and tore him off her armor. With a quick spin of the arm, she threw him forward like a human-sized baseball. Boom crashed through several monsters, leaving behind several human-shaped holes in their bodies.
With a thump, Boom finally crashed against something that didn't give way. He shook his head and looked around him.
"What's that smell? And what are these plants?"
Then he looked up, and realized exactly where he was.
Yep. He'd landed right on the fatass harbinger's big toe. And oh boy, it wasn't a pretty sight when he looked up either. Just a thing-a-ling, right up there a few thousand feet above him.
"Well, at least I'm in the right place," Boom muttered.
"Should thank my aim," Sweet remarked, landing just behind him. "Now get a move on. I'll take the other leg."
"Yeah." Boom grabbed a fistful of hair from his right pouch. "Let's get this party started."
With a sweep of his arm, Boom spread the seeds of destruction, then ran along the titan's foot, spreading more of his crop as he did so. Finally, he made his way to the back of the foot and jumped off.
"The achilles is going to be a bit harder…" Boom scratched his chin, then grabbed another fistful from his pouch. He concentrated, injecting plenty of mana into the hairs, then threw them forward with great force. The hairs penetrated the titan's skin, though just barely.
Still, it was enough. Boom turned away from the titan, put on some shades, and puffed his cigar. Behind him, hundreds of explosions rocked the titan's foot.
The titan staggered, allowing the gods up above to press their attack.
Then, barely a moment later, the titan teetered forward, falling to its hands and knees.
Sweet landed next to Boom, her job done. "Quick as ever, dear."
"I'm always the fas—wait a minute, what's that supposed to mean!"
"Nothing." Sweet grinned. "Our job here's done, so—"
"RETREAT!" Panicked shouts sounded from the sky far above them. Boom and Sweet looked up into the sky, just in time to see two gods die like fleas between the titan's palms. The rest scattered, but the titan flailed about wildly, knocking two more out of the sky.
Furious that its prey was escaping, the titan crawled forward like a newborn cub, decimating countless angels and monsters underneath it as it did so. Everything it touched was instantly destroyed by the sheer force inflicted upon them by the titan's motion.
Sweet and Boom looked on in terror as chaos broke among the ranks of angels, as well as their own troops. With the rampaging titan between them and their allies, there was no way to help…
That was, until Boom had the best—and stupidest—idea of his life.