The friends made themselves at home in the drawing room section of the pub below the portrait of the chimpanzee. A battery powered hi-fi played as they huddled together on the sofas and wrapped blankets around themselves and a nearby friend to keep out the creeping chill of the night while dog-ends of spliffs and colourful glass pipes and bongs smouldered among many bottles they liberated from the bar.
The nineties hit song 'Barbie Girl' came on the CD player. Jenny whooped and turned the volume up. A couple joined in the cheering. Most groaned.
'NO!' proclaimed Nick, sitting up and glowering theatrically. He pointed a finger at Jenny and thundered in the tone a headmaster would use for a wayward child. With the same finger he deliberately jabbed the hi-fi and ejected the disc.
'Aww, but—' Jenny began.
'No!' Nick said.
'Niiick, don't be a—' said Jenny.
'No,' Nick said with finality, and he settled back in his chair.
'Fine!' said Jenny, reproachfully.
'No.'
'Anyone need the loo?' said Sarah, grinning, as she rose and tugged on Katie's sleeve.
Inside the girls' toilets Sarah smiled and checked her lip gloss in the mirror. 'I didn't know Nick had a sense of humour. At all,' she remarked.
'I didn't know he had a personality. He's always scowly and sullen all the time and acts really stuck-up,' Katie replied.
'Bit harsh. I suppose he doesn't really bother making an effort for people. I can't stand Jenny, though. I came so close to fucking her off today for following us around the gardens. Why can't she leave it and get that I don't want to be friends?' said Sarah. She sat on the raised surface of the sinks with her bottle of rosé and took another drag from a spliff. Katie set down the electric lantern she'd had the presence of mind to bring with them into the pitch-black.
Emily came in last. She lugged a hefty four-litre bottle of boiled river water, with some difficulty. 'I've been bursting for ages, but I didn't want to come in on my own,' she said. 'Nick's changed so much since this shit went down,' said Sarah, and she took a pull from the bottle. 'Before, he was just another knobhead that hung out with Ryan. He didn't have much to say, wasn't as funny, interesting or confident as him… I always thought he was just trying to be part of the group and fit in. He wasn't really one of the lads. Bit of an outsider, you know?'
Katie agreed and Sarah handed her the bottle.
'They were mainly the boys from the rugby club. Nick wasn't as big or as buff as that crowd, and you know he wishes he was,' said Katie, and Sarah smiled.
'He is fit, though,' said Sarah.
'Really? You think?' Katie looked unconvinced.
'He has got a pretty face,' Emily said, softly.
'Yeah, of course. And he looked after Ryan for so long after he got sick that I've actually got more respect for him now. I didn't know they were that close,' said Sarah.
'I don't even know if Ryan knew they were that close…' Katie said quietly, but apparently Sarah didn't hear.
'Poor Ryan,' Sarah said.
'Poor Ryan,' Katie and Emily echoed.
'Nick pulled some mean shifts to look after him. It's quite touching to see he's got a caring side and had the stomach to carry that through,' Sarah said. 'Maybe Nick's grown up a bit. What do we even know about him, though? He's been apart from us for so long I hardly remember anything about him.'
'I think he's someone to keep an eye on,' said Katie, keeping ambivalent with a dry smile. She leant against the next sink beside Sarah and looked up at her. 'The way he keeps going off on one and how he acts, that's a guy who's got a lot going on in his head. I think he's plotting something and I don't know what.'
'Maybe he's got some issues, but maybe we could give him a break,' said Sarah.
'Sorry, gonna burst,' Emily apologised and ducked into a cubicle.
Sarah relit her spliff. She held in a lungful of smoke then said, 'You know, I actually like his plan. It's ballsy. We do need to look out for ourselves.'
'I don't know, it seems risky…' Katie began.
'Maybe he's the guy for the job. He also stands up to Matt, who I'm getting pretty sick of. Matt's got us stuck in that place, stickling over little details and trying to make people do jobs for him. All that horrible noise that comes out of his fat face really triggers my slap reflex.'
'He keeps going on about these chores, like keeping an eye out on the streets round the houses – what does he say? "We've got to keep a watch on the perimeter!"' I'm like, "How do I do that then, just sit here by the window and have a cig?" He got really cross with me and accused me of undermining things… as in him.'
From inside the cubicle, Emily said, 'Matt keeps pestering me. He follows me around when you two aren't there, telling me these stories about when we all had stuff for weeks when we did what he said and organised into foraging groups. Like, "Isn't it so great when people do as I tell them," he says, following me around, and he won't let me escape,' Emily said. 'I swear it's like he's got a fixation.'
'No way, I never knew,' said Sarah. 'I'm going to have to have a word. He better not try that silly bollocks with me.' She passed the spliff to Katie. 'I don't think he'd dare! Maybe Nick's got it right. I know I yelled at him earlier, but if he's brave enough to go out and fight one of the Dead…'
'…half naked,' said Katie.
'…half naked, with his sexy body out, well, maybe I like him a little more than I thought I did,' said Sarah, pouting in mock lewdness and rolling her eyes.
'Oh my God, no, that's totally disgusting! You fancy him,' Katie said, accusingly.
'Mmm-maybe.' Sarah wrinkled her nose. 'Maybe not.'
'He never even looked at me or gave me the time of day,' Emily muttered.
'I never got on with him. He's really arrogant and ignores me all the time like I'm not even there,' Katie replied.
'Also, some of the boys need to take us shopping again,' said Sarah. 'I think Nick could be our guy. The other boys took Jenny and her horrible little minions on another trip a couple of days ago when we haven't been for weeks. I need more make-up, clothes, sanitary stuff…'
'Shoes and underwear…' Katie said.
'Yeah. Clothes, underwear, shoes… and I want some lingerie,' said Sarah. 'I mean, who can be bothered to wash things when you can just steal more, am I right? There's more world-class shit out there than we could ever wear in a lifetime. All for free! I mean, it would be a waste otherwise. We couldn't not!'
The girls laughed.
'Emily, honey, would you like some more body wash and shampoo or something? You're letting yourself slip, babe,' Sarah called out over the cubicle and passed the joint to Katie.
Emily sat embarrassed, hidden in the merciful gloom. 'Umm, yeah,' she said quietly and smoothed her hair. It felt clumpy. Though she tried to hide it, as each day went by, she asked herself what the point of all this was.
'Who else could come with us? We'll need at least one other person too,' Katie said. 'Matt went with Tom last time, so I wouldn't count on him being too willing.' She thought about it for a moment. 'Also, they both have girlfriends in that group so that's why they went.'
The girls agreed it was blatant favouritism that Jenny, Emma and Jane got taken out on more shopping trips than they did, as the latter two were in relationships with Tom and Matt respectively. It was totally unfair. Who else could take them? Andy couldn't, he was too feeble, and none of them would feel safe with the two clowns of the group, Joe and Jack.
'Pinky and the Brain,' said Katie.
'Pinky and Perky,' said Sarah.
'Patrick and SpongeBob. Oh, wait, no, the other day Nick called them something else. Ren and Stimpy! That's it! That's just them all over, isn't it?' said Katie.
Sarah clapped her knee. 'Ha! That's perfect.'
'No, I wouldn't trust my life in the hands of those two. They're pathetic,' said Katie.
'I want someone more mature,' Sarah said. 'When we get all the sanitary shit and underwear and stuff, I don't want the boy's eyes on stalks, gawping at what I pick.'
'You don't mind Tom and Nick seeing your lingerie?' Katie said, and passed the joint.
'Tom can't see and Nick's going to anyway!' Sarah said, and she laughed. 'He's mine!'
Emily exited the cubicle and pumped some soap on her hands. Sarah held the spliff in the corner of her mouth and tipped the water bottle over Emily's hands for her. She muttered, 'That bitch Jenny better not be doing any little "favours" for Nick too or I'll fucking kill her.'
'She's a slut,' said Katie.
'I think we need Nick for ourselves,' Sarah said. 'We need a man of our own,' she continued sarcastically, and rolled her eyes.
Sarah looked Emily over. 'Jack keeps looking at you,' she said as she grinned at Katie and wrinkled her nose. Emily detected the condescending edge of Sarah's voice for being associated with 'Ren', but she wouldn't let on.
'Does he?' Emily feigned ignorance as she dried her hands. 'He's pretty awkward isn't he? Like he wants to play the class clown all his life.'
'He's weird,' Katie said. 'And Nick's a dickhead too.'
'I want him,' Sarah whined, referring to Nick. 'You don't think he likes her, do you?'
'Nah,' said Katie. 'Jenny's such a scrubber. She banged Frank, Gaz, Mark and Pete straight after she split up with her old fiancé, the squaddie. What a slag.'
Jenny walked in.
'We're only supposed to use one toilet,' Katie called to Jenny as she walked by, seeming unwilling to wait with them. If all the boiled water was poured in one toilet, it would be enough trigger the cistern and make it flush.
'Dumb bitch,' said Sarah. She took a sip of wine and looked in the mirror. 'Do I look alright?' she asked.
'You look amazing,' said Katie.
'I bet Nick likes blondes,' Sarah said loudly, for Jenny's benefit. There was silence. 'He wants a girl who at least puts some effort in.' More quietly but still audible, she said, 'Not some fish-eyed munter who's been passed around all of his mates.'
Emily wondered how she could keep acting like that to people and getting away with it. From the corner of her eye, she jealously looked at Sarah's golden hair and the contours of her face, the way she leant back and smoked her spliff, loosely, casually, apparently without a care in the world. She was such a bitch; why were they even friends?
The girls watched Jenny as she left the cubicle, with her lip clenched and large, slightly bulbous eyes shining.
'Would you need a paper bag or a fish bowl?' Sarah said.
The friends nearest to the girls' toilet came running when they heard the door fly open and the sounds of screams and scuffles rang out.
'You bitch!' screamed Jenny, fingers wrapped in Sarah's hair and wrenching it down as she rained a flurry of slaps down on her. Katie and Emily were set on Jenny, shoving her away as Sarah thumped her back, pulled at her hair and clothes and raked her with her nails. Jenny flailed back with her fists and kicked the other girls' legs wildly as they screamed and yelled insults at each other. A ring on one girl's finger scuffed Jenny's face but she managed to land a direct smack on Katie and pull away a clump of Sarah's hair.
Matt and Tom rushed up and tried to hold them apart.
'Stop it! Have you lost your minds? They'll hear us,' Matt whispered hoarsely. 'You'll get us killed.'
'We can't be getting killed at a funeral wake!' said Jack.
Emma joined in the fray and swung out at Sarah. She pushed through an arm holding her back and shouted, 'What the fuck's wrong with you?'
The arms and bodies blocked the sight of each belligerent from the other and the anger and occasional lashing set of nails turned to sobbing and the impassioned denouncement that the other set of girls were complete bitches.
'Why did you make me go alone?' Jenny said to Jane and Emma. 'They just ganged up on me. I needed you.'
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' Jane and Emma repeated and took her off to the bar to console her while Sarah's group went in the direction of the sofas.
Nick lolled against a table, head thrown back. He'd silently laughed at the spectacle all the way through. Matt glared at him before going after Jane.
'Oh my God, that was too funny. Nothing I love more than watching a catfight,' Nick said vaguely in Jack and Andy's direction, as they hovered on the sidelines, unsure what to do with themselves. Still smiling, Nick shook his head and wandered off to the bar.
'I should have done something,' Jack cursed. 'Like with the manager man at the kitchen, I hung back, trying to make up my mind what to do and then suddenly it's too late. Goddamn my indecisiveness.'
Andy was next to him, hands held to his mouth as he shook his head. Angrily, Jack said to him, 'Why do people act like that? Everyone has such egos and are so rude to each other, like it's somehow cool to be disrespectful and insulting, like Nick was to Jenny, or like Sarah is to everyone else. I don't find it amusing at all. I'd ask everyone what music they wanted to hear and make sure everyone got a turn, but that clique of people, that inner circle, are the only ones who get to do what they want, like they have the right.
'They act all superior when I try to be nice, or they try to take advantage. They take my helpfulness for granted, act like if I offer to do something for someone I'm somehow the lesser for it – it makes no sense! I'm scorned for the things I can do? That to be selfish and useless is what they look up to – is that what they think is cool? Then they turn on each other like this.'
'Its' like when I offered to help Emily with her bag as we left the house and suddenly I was carrying everyone else's, then they pressured me into going out on the street by myself to keep a look out – for them. Then Nick says we've got to act like a team.'
Andy mumbled something and tried not to show his lack of patience. This was really excruciating to listen to. He looked back to the sofas, the Bhuna, and the others back at the party but he stayed there with Jack and waited for his monologue to finish.
Andy was A Good Listener. It was important people knew that. One day he would be a counsellor, a therapist, a guru even, that people would share their secrets and problems with and he would unburden them with the answers to it all. But he didn't want to hear this again.
'Don't think I didn't know what was going on when I got volunteered to go outside first – "Oh, you like being helpful, don't you?" "You're a good boy who does as he's told." "You like doing things for other people. You want to go out first because you're so brave, aren't you?" Andy sighed and Jack shot him a glare.
'Well yes, I do want to get out there and do something for us all. I'm a part of the group, and yes I am brave enough to go out first and keep watch. And I did it, didn't I? And this is somehow a bad thing? Why can't people have some courtesy and get along?'
Andy controlled his exasperation. He'd heard many discussions that involved Jack's attempts at talking to others and attempting to befriend them, and just how cringeworthy and invasive these uncomfortable encounters would feel. It made others feel bad for wanting him to leave it and go away but they didn't want to be rude about it.
Andy looked at Jack in pity for the derision that was heaped on him behind his back and how upset he would be if he ever found out.
'Maybe some people just aren't compatible,' Andy said, trying to be diplomatic. Few others were. They openly called him 'creepy'.
'Do you actually want to be people's friends or do you just want their approval even though you don't actually like them or care about them? And you stare at people, like you're judging them.' Obviously, it was up to him to lower himself to say something cruel to be kind. Jack needed to hear it.
'I don't stare at people!' Jack said. 'I just try to take an interest in what people do and join in.'
'Sorry, but you do,' said Andy, regretting every moment of this. 'People say it can be pretty uncomfortable when you keep looking at them and not saying anything.'
'That's not fair! I'm not sure what to say sometimes though I try and join in. Everyone's got me wrong, I'm… just a bit shy!' Jack looked mortified. Andy was sorry he'd got into this conversation; the others looked like they were having a good time by the sofas.
'You've got to admit that some of the things they do and say are daft – some of the stuff they come out with is plain stupid, and they just talk about other people all the time. It's boring. I'm never the one who starts fights and is disruptive to the group. I never stir rumours or talk behind people's backs,' said Jack as he got angry.
'These are things the girls do, and I'm the one who's out of order and can't be trusted? I just want to do things that benefit us. The girls are a liability anyway – they're useless. Worse than useless. They don't do anything! It's like the rest of us have to risk our lives to play babysitter for them. Having them around is a burden on us. All they ever do is gossip, laze around, stir shit, wind people up, divide them and create drama. They can't do anything on their own without others to help. And they're… so… noisy. All the time! And they never realise!' Jack laughed a little and waited for Andy to join in, but he didn't.
Angry himself now, Andy no longer felt guilty about what he said to Jack. 'Oh, so you're a misogynist now? You know, this is precisely the reason that people think you're not really one of us. We could tell you probably thought things like this. What would you do, just have us abandon our friends just because they're girls?'
'Ye-… Well, look… we could all die. We have to do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen. Thinking you were politically correct is no comfort when you're… It's simple logic,' Jack stuttered, embarrassed about how this conversation really didn't go as planned.
'No, we need to stick together because we all need each other. We have to be civilised because as far as we know we're all that's left of civilisation. You really need to learn how to have some humanity, you heartless little shit,' said Andy, scornfully. 'And do you think if people wanted the best chances for survival they'd pick you?' he muttered darkly.
'I'm not heartless!' Jack said, hurt and stumbling for words. 'We have to be the strongest team we can… I don't want to get killed… none of us do…'
'I'm just going to go now,' said Andy contemptuously, and he walked away from Jack.
Andy arrived with the others in time to hear Nick announce, 'It seems tempers are a little frayed. I think it's high time we ate.'