The days were passing aimlessly, one after another. I got my books and I already finished them, so I started to read them again. I lost count of the time, however it was getting warmer so the spring must have been in full bloom. I missed the sun like crazy, I wanted to go out and enjoy the warm rays of light on my face. I was thinking about riding a horse or even walking round the bailey. Everything would be better than sitting closed in this room.
I still wasn't allowed to wear any clothes and Gelda was the only person who was entering my room except for Lorcan. He has been coming every single day ever since I was locked here. He didn't miss any evening to pay me a visit. He usually was staying all night long and leaving in the morning.
I felt bad , now with each passing day I felt worse. After another night filled with meaningless physical activity Lorcan suddenly started a conversation.
"You hate me don't you? You were afraid of me first, then I noticed you liked me or what I was doing to you. At some point you started to hate me." There was a moment of silence before he continued. He was speaking quietly, watching my expression. "Ever since that incident with branding, right? You fooled me that you were all right about it but no, you never did." He was so right. For a moment I was speechless, but then something inside me snapped. I could neither pretend anymore nor hold it in. The words started to roll, just like an avalanche and I couldn't stop myself.
"You are so right my Lord, I will tell you something funny so you can laugh at me and mock me as much as you like. There was a time I was charmed by you, no even more, I fell in love. I was enjoying your company and foolishly thought I was someone important to you." I smiled straightening myself to look more dignified but it was of no use, I still wasn't allowed to wear anything.
"However in front of your friends you ridiculed and humiliated me and then branded me with your own hands, like a cattle." My voice suddenly became shaky. " You clearly showed me that I'm only a random slave that you are enjoying for the time being. You broke my heart, hurt the rest of what was left from my pride and made me behave like a real slave. And the slaves, well they run away if they can." Since the tears rolled down my face on their own I crawled under the duvet on the side of the bed and turned my back to him. He was silent, yet he was still there. I was desperately trying to stop this outburst of emotions but I couldn't.
"Kian."
"My Lord if you are done with me, could you please go or shall I serve you again?" I managed to voice out that one sentence without sobbing.
He sighted and I curled up under the duvet. I couldn't stop crying and the wetness on my cheeks was annoying. I knew I should stop yet I wasn't able to do so. I really didn't want to look at him. Those few words made me feel as if I were totally naked not only in terms of my body but my soul. That last made me feel vulnerable. If he starts mocking me right now I am sure I will do something stupid.
I felt him shifting on the bed. He moved closer and one of his hands slid under the duvet and then round my waist. He actually hugged me from behind. He said nothing. I felt his warm body behind me and I was listening to his breathing. It was calm.
He remained silent and I was both grateful and disappointed. Grateful because I was an emotional mess and disappointed as somewhere deep inside I wanted him to apologize and tell the stupid me that he loved me.
In the morning he was gone. I wrapped myself in the sheet and sat in a chair next to the extinguished fireplace. Soon Gelda will come and serve me breakfast.
After a while I heard familiar steps, rustling of keys and crack of the opening door.
"Good morning sir Kian." She greeted me.
"Good morning Gelda." I responded without looking at her.
"Today I brought you some clothes, Lord Lorcan will have breakfast with you downstairs in the dining room."
I looked at her in disbelief. In her hands she was holding some clothes. Never in my life have I dressed up so quickly. The clothes were simple and comfortable. I braided my hair and was ready to go.
Being able to go through that damned door, back to reality felt fantastic. As I was walking down the stairs I was thinking whether I will be forced to go back to this room again. My heart was pounding like crazy, these steps actually made me a bit tired as for the past time I was mostly lying in bed or walking around my room. Gelda was walking fast and I followed her soon to enter the well known dining room. Lorcan was sitting there already. His elbows were resting on the table and his eyes were fixed on me.
Gelda bobbed and quickly left the room. On the table there was already some food and two plates. I was guessing that it was my place, next to him.Yet I was standing and waiting for him to tell me to sit down.
"Don't stand like that Kian, sit."
My body moved instinctively, just as he ordered. He was watching me and I felt uneasy, the whole atmosphere was heavy, that's why when Lorcan started to talk I flinched.
"I was thinking about what you said the other day.You told me that I had hurt you, well so did you. I treated you well, showered with luxury and pleasure. Still you have chosen to leave me, even risking your life."
I lowered my head, there we go again.
"I have never shown so much patience with anyone and I was jealous. I want you for myself only Kian. I want you to look at me, think about me and breathe for me. I want you to live only for me."