This deeply engraved longing made him nearly irresistible to go see her on several occasions. However, when near home, his courage faltered. At every moment before he saw her, he withheld his desire.
He could not give her what she wanted. Seeing her only led to arguments and discomfort. What was the point?
Every day, he spent mired in endless remorse and longing. His life no longer shone brightly with various colors like before. His daily joy came from listening to Zhui Feng and Zhu Yue report back about her activities: what she had done, what she had eaten, the people she had met, and how much silver she had earned. Even these trivial matters seemed so vivid and adorable to him, fascinating him immensely.
How he wished to live this mundane life with her, every day. They could eat meals together, they could chit-chat, earn money together, and retire to the same home to sleep. Such a life was so real, so beautiful!
