Even after my 5th bath I still felt filthy, I still couldn't get out my house without feeling entirely naked
I lost the dignity I had, because of one night gone wrong, only if I had someone to guide me and tell me what I was doing was wrong, I suppose non-of this would happen to me.
I had never felt so powerless in my life, even though it didn't go for hours it was more or less 45 minutes but its stuck in my head and it can't get out it has become my nightmare, I cannot face a guy without me thinking the worst of them. I know it isn't fair but how was it fair for me as I was screaming for my life but no one heard me until two well-built men were done with me. They left me for dead, I'm not sure how but I hit my head when they were pinning me down and I had no strength to fight back I guess I was just prey for the night. The one time I decide to go against my boyfriend's wishes of me having a social life I get attacked, I admit he is a narcissist and has isolated me from the world our lives were pretty comfortable looking at the fact that he was a CEO at an automotive company and I was working corporate, we have been together for almost 3 years now and he has become my best friend because he is the only person I can speak to and was willing to hear me out even when I sounded crazy he'd put up with me and all the madness I brought to the table. I am happy or at least I thought I was.
When I woke up in hospital I was alone and I asked what happened and I was told that I was found by morning joggers in the bin alley in a puddle of my own blood, I had lost too much blood that I needed a quick blood transfusion or I would have died and honestly for a moment I was grateful that I got the chance to live.
Even though I know they are going to jail it doesn't change what happened to me I'm dirtier than those prostitutes at least it's what they chose, I have lost time and knowing I can't redeem it is what hurts me more, really I'm drowning and really everywhere I turn for help all I'm getting is "why were you out that night, you should have worried about your safety before wearing that skimpy skirt you were wearing", "you are a whore, a slut" how is it my fault that I was raped if it were their kids how would they react, would they say the same words or would they tell them that everything is going to be alright then hug them tight, I got to thinking but nothing is helping me.
Even my own therapist is blaming me for what I'm going through, they all made me feel guilty, now I'm here asking myself why me because every moment I go out people look at me nasty like I'm a mold, fungus in a cheesecake. I'm quite lost on what to do now. I finally understand what causes suicidal thoughts it's not really about what has happened to you but more about how people start treating you after your trauma. It's quite hard to say how I still manage to keep going, I'm already imagining how I'm going to die and how many people are going to be there to bury me. If it was their mission, then BRAVO mission accomplished, I got so much guilt and regret it's in my brain, it's in my veins and I'm no more a perfect picture but I'm a broken frame.
I went a while then decided to relocate, I got tired of being looked at like I was in the wrong place and I didn't belong. So I looked for new workplace as far as possible from where I'm currently based, honestly it took longer than I thought 2months passed and being a disgust to my community had become a normality to me. It didn't hurt me no more it was the way things are and there was no way I could change what happened to me so I accepted it and the case had no progress and I just didn't care anymore because I didn't lose my current job or a place to stay, but I did lose my boy-friend I guess he somehow blamed me for my rape as he constantly asked me what was I doing outside at that time, he just thought I cheated on him then claimed it was rape, even thou I woke up in hospital found by strangers while bleeding very hard. I had to get blood transfusion to be able to breath, yet someone's son thinks I cheated, well nothing matters now because either way it won't change the fact of my situation anyway. I got me. He told me how horrible of a person I am and made me feel like I had no future without him, but the longer I stayed without him the more I was convinced that I needed him and validation to keep going.