Qin Luo looks at her from afar, wanting to catch up with her.
He cannot deny that the attitude of the man by the river upset him, he was quite openly telling him to let go of his fantasies and make way for him... That powerful man wants her, it's clear as day. He's afraid that his Lai'Er will slowly forget about him due to that man, not for love but due to the usefulness the latter has compared to himself. And that hurt him even more. Her mind is set on the war and the thousands of innocent souls to save... No room left for selfishness, unlike him who still aches for her attention and find himself unfocused on their mission -If she had to make a choice she would definitely push me aside... Afterall we need the help of that man for this war and he's only willing to collaborate with her-
She might really disappear one day, she already did once when they moved her under another General...
He wants to lock her in his arms... He knows that's not what she would want but he just need to touch her once, he need to be reminded that she's not slipping away. Grabbing her shoulders and turning her around, letting his fingers to dig into the flesh just enought to remind him they're both there together... Staring into her eyes, cold as the ocean but just as deep, full of sorrow and questions to which he has no answer to. He would then hold her tight, painfully tight, to his chest... One hand on the back of her head as he rest his own beside her neck, the eyes closed shut to not let his tears roll down. Allowing his fingers to entangle in her hair and let his heart to crumble in front of her... He doesn't even dream about kissing her or having her body, he doesn't feel worthy. He just wants them to be normal together. Qin Luo can't help but hate himself for this -She's doing what's right and I'm only burdening her with my feelings!- He thinks while looking at her high ponytail swinging in the air, one hand reaching for his heart and clenching hard on the fabric -But God if it hurts...-
He doesn't want to cage her or slow her down... She, who shines so bright... She, who was a goddess in his eyes since the beginning... She, who's meant to conquer the world
-Even if I often fear for your well being, I know you will become a powerful deity one day... And I will be your most devoted believer. But I fear that day more than I fear the collapse of the world... My greedy heart deep down wish for a defeat afterall, so we could retreat and I'll be the only one still loyal to you when everyone else will curse you- in his head an image takes form.
...
"His son dragging him by the hand in a field of flowers... Calling him and smiling happy, wearing beggar's clothes yet not even a little but poor in the soul. He then would rise his eyes and shee her... Waiting for them, smiling and reaching and hand to the little kid -Have you had fun with you dad today?- -Mhn! A lot, I live my dad!- -Haha that's how it should be...- she would rise her eyes and smile at him, allowing him to hug the both of them and tearing up for the hard conquerd happiness... No more etiquette, no more ranks, no more fancy banquets... Just the tree of them and a little straw hut, hunting their own food and getting drunk on their love..."
...
Qin Luo tears up, hardly containing himself -But this is wrong in so many ways... I cannot put my happiness in front of anything and everyone else. The day you will become a deity and end this war you will ascend to Heaven while I'll be left here. I'll never be part of your world...- he moves a few more trembling steps as she follows her through the camp.
-Couldn't I fall in love with anyone else but you? Why wasn't my son's mother the one I love? Why did it had to be you?! You're a burning sun, so bright and warm for us... A salvation for humanity, but nobody can touch you without being burned down to ashes.
Everyone is left behind you. Me, your discipline, your brother... What do you feel up there alone, Lai'Er? Does it hurt to burn for us? Does it hurt to be alone? Do you ever find yourself thinking if it is worth it...? Who will be there to wipe your tears away when you'll be up there alone, looking at all the people you cherish going on with their lives? Would you even feel sad at all?-
...
He stumbles on a few small rocks and falls on one knee, the tears blurring his eyes and her figure fading away in the empty camp. His mouth open as he struggles to breath -I know that love means nothing here, I know that it is just but a sentiment... Something so fickle and casual, it's stupid how much it can chain down a person even if it is not a life threatening weapon. But it hurts... It hurts too much...!- he hits his fist over the heart and looks ahead again -Yet I can't let go of you, even if I will be burnt to ashes I am willing to stand behind you- he rises up again and begin to walk... Speeding up, walking faster and faster... Running.
She finally comes into his sight again -Lai'Er...!- he calls but his voice is still not coming out -Lai'Er... Don't go away please...- he manages to murmur while reaching out and arm, he come close enough and tries to grab on her sleeve but the fabric slips off his fingers for just a few centimeters -Lai'Er- he stops and pushes back all the tears, she turns around and look him in the eyes -Qin Luo, what's wrong?-
"Unless you turn around yourself, I'll never be able to face you, won't I? Then please, even if for just a mere glace, turn always around"
He finds himself to be smiling bitterly in front of her -Is everything alright?- she reached one hand ro his cheek, marked by the tears and he cups her hand with his own... Smiling tenderly -Mhn, it's alright...- then lets go -... Let's go sleep, we have a lot of planning to do tomorrow-