Even tho Xu Lei begged me to go away I just can't help but feel remorse for leaving him there, all alone with THAT man...
I grab tight on my weapon, still unable to put it back in its place... -I can't... I can't just leave him there...!- As I yell to myself I rise my eyes toward the camp, someone is running toward me... I squint my eyes and recognize them, Zhou and Qin Luo -What the hell are you guys doing here?!- they run toward me and stop breathless once they reach my location
-I... I saw Dong Hu leaving, after... I saw you running and then... Xu Lei so, I... Called the General to come and help me check the situation out... You looked so mad to the point you could kill someone!- rushes to say Zhou
-You guys shouldn't be here...-
And a slap follows that sentence... I turn my head away, not believing what just happened. My mouth shut tight in shock and my hair all over the place -Just fucking stop being like this Lai'Er!!!- yells Qin Luo, I open my eyes wide still not turning to face him -I can't stand you when you are like this...! One moment you push us all away and the next moment you go and try to solve everything alone in our stead. Just what the hell do you want?! You don't want to save this world yet you keep fighting for it. You don't want any help yet keep looking so lonely. You cannot reciprocate my love yet go and fight alone whoever try to hurt me... If you don't want me then let me be!-
Tears start to build up in my eyes -I'm sorry...- I stand back straight, but unable to face him -But this isn't only about you, Qin Luo... I admit that I wanted to cut his tongue off for hurting you but I already bear a deep hatred toward him. That man is dangerous, I cannot stand back and watch even tho Xu Lei sent me away-
-Lai'Er!- he comes to grab both my shoulders -Look at me for god's sake!- but I still refuse to -Fine, just tell us what's wrong and we'll help-
-I... Cannot let you get involved-
-Why not?! It's always the same story with you! Just stop thinking about war always and take a damn step back, what do you even want?! You're just going with the flow again as when you were trapped in silk and banquets! Are you seriously gonna tell me that you're happy now? You're satisfied with this life of sufference you chose?! Only ever doing what should be done, not knowing if you want it in your heart, and pushing everyone away!!!-
-I...- The clashing sound of metal gets louder, echoing all over the plain -Go back, both of you- I shake Qin Luo away, ignoring his words -If I don't stop him now, Xu Lei will die- I grab his wirst and take the last hand off of me
-Lai'Er...- murmurs Zhou, sad and concerned for both me and Qin Luo, the second man just pushes the tears back looking frustrated -It's ok... It's fine, I already knew what it meant to be beside you... Why am I even making such a fuss now?-
I don't reply at his words and turn around, taking a deep breath in before starting to move... But a tall figure appears in front of me. They hit the side of my neck in one swift motion, grabbing me and throwing me on their shoulder before taking me away.
-LAI'ER?!- I hear the two men screaming as I feel my consciousness drift off...
...
I begin winking a couple of times as I am finally waking up, I'm being laid on the ground by whoever kidnapped me... I reach to grab their arm and ultimately manage to open my eyes completely.
Gray blueish hair, silvery eyes... Golden garments and s beauty that could compete with both the night sky and the ocean, as storming waves crashes on on the other -Just what where you trying to do?- he sighs, coming to seat beside me as I rise myself just enough to seat up
-Help...?-
-Help who exactly? Definitely not yourself nor your friends... You were gonna get killed if I didn't stop you-
-Killed? I can handle Dong Hu-
He almost smiles, closed eyes and a troubled expression -Ah... Yeah indeed, you can handle Dong Hu, but I'm afraid that wasn't him- he turns to fix one particular messy lock of hair -You're so reckless... I thought you would have matured by now, but you're letting all those emotions cloud your rationality-
I push his hand away -If you believe to be much better than me then why don't you consider giving me a hand out there?! Stop talking big when all you can do is hide under the water's surface and swim around- I don't even yell at him, I feel so tired now... Empty.
-I would love to help you... But I can't- he first stare at me with longing eyes, but then lowers his gaze with a weird expression -If I were to help you, only worst things would come-
-Such as...? You never explain yourself, always appearing and disappearing... Leaving me with a tons of questions, why do I even trust you honestly?-
He look at me slightly amused -Touchè... Aren't those words too familiar to you?-
I open my mouth, wanting to rebate, but then a frustrated sigh leaves me -Humph... Yes, you're right. It's not like I'm free to talk about this topic-
Silence falls and we just seat there for some time without speaking...
...
-Why aren't you going away today?- I ask him
-You look like you could use the company, my company specifically-
-Yours...? Ah, I suppose this is how Qin Luo feels... One moment you push me away and one moment you're here telling me this... It bothers me when I'm the one receiving this treatment yet I can't help but do the same, aren't I a selfish spoiled kid?-
-A bit- he replies coldly
-Mhn... At least on this you're honest- I sigh -How much company are you will to give me today? You're not gonna disappear in the blink of an eye right?-
-You really can't shut up, can you?- I try to reply but he grabs me by the back of my neck, pulling me toward him, and the next thing I feel are his lips pressing onto mine... Initially it comes just as a soft peck, gentle and slow, so I close my eyes and decide to give in... It turns into a open kiss after he realizes my unwillingness to fight back, his other hand comes to circle my waist to pull me closer and all the accumulated emotions comes to the surface after such tender attentions.
I feel tears burning behind my lids and I grab onto his clothes to push them back... But the hand behind my neck leaves me and goes to cover my hand on his chest, trying to open my fingers and soothe my nervousness -Ehy... Is everything ok?- he speak just a few millimeters away from my lips, opening my eyes again our gazes meet... His voice low and reassuring, quite an unusual sensation coming from him.
I shake my head and he frees my hand -Tell me what's troubling you- it's not a question but an order, yet he manages to make it sound much nicer than that.
-I can't... I can't handle everything, I feel like I'm losing myself. I came all the way here to be free, yet I feel chained twice as much as before, I thought that if I did what was right then I would feel at ease but weird ideas are popping inside my head... All that along the guilt and remorse I feel in knowing I only cause pain to others when what I want to do is help-
-What kind of weird ideas?- he rises my chin forcing me too look straight into his oppressing eyes
-That... This world doesn't need to be saved. That even if you show them kindness, humans will turn around and bite your hand right after... But I shouldn't feel that way, many innocent peoples are dying, yet even if I save them now they will still die by another war or unjust act-
-That's because your sense of justice is extremely pure...- he caresses my cheek -You're aiming too low by simply wanting to end a war-
-Then what am I supposed to do...?! Ah look a me, again relying on someone else to solve my problems, I feel so disgusted by myself whenever this happens- I look down in shame but he grabs my jaw tight
-Become a real Goddess, ascend to heaven and make justice... Claim your throne- fire burns in his eyes, he really believes what he's saying
-I... Don't know how... I'm so weak yet and...-
-Don't force yourself to think about that now, one step at a time... I'm pretty sure you're feeling sad for your friends too right now, come here- he pushes my head onto his chest -Remember that I am the only person who you can show your weakness to... I can bear it and not be influenced by you, unlike simpler minds. You can break down only when you're with me-
Normally these words would make me jump away, if a normal person would have said that to me it would mean they had an obsessive desire of ownership... But this is fine since I know it's not the same, he's really the only person who can witness me in this state without getting his own emotions involved. -Mmhn...- I nod, snuggling onto him...
I just lay there, in his embrace for the whole night, finally able to push all the burdensome thoughts away and sleep...