I seat down on a rock, cleaning my hands with a cloth which is so much more dirtier and consumed than my own hands.
I put my hands in the cold snow in front of me, it turns red around my fingers... The coldness is not enough to heat my burning hands down, all this blood staining me and the burning fire... Mixed with anger. I see my reflection in the ice but somehow it is not my face what I'm starting at...
-LingHe...?!- shaking my head my reflection appears again and I close my eyes "Now I'm starting to see things..."
-Lai'Er...? We haven't seen you at lunch nor dinner so I thought you might be hungry... And Uhm...- Zhou's voice reaches my ears along his steps.
-Ge... Yes, actually I do am, I just couldn't take a break untill now- He passes me a bun made of old cabbage's leaves and seats beside me -Are you going back to the infirmary?-
I nod munching on the tasteless, and probably rotten, food, before gulping down -I suppose I should go hunt again or we all will get food poisoned here- I joke making both of us chuckle
-I wouldn't mind some good food... But don't forget to take a break from time to time- he warns me
-I know, don't worry... It's not me the one suffering here anyway-
-Really?- he whispers softly
-Yes, why...?-
-Having everyone relying on you must be tiring... You need to take care of yourself too-
-Does really everyone rely on me?- I ask with a sigh -I suppose so by now...- I put down the bun and clean my hands -Well... Then it can't be helped, I cannot let them down now that they found encouragement-
-Is LingHe the name of that man who saved you in the cave?- he changes topic
-You heard me uh?- I smile bitterly -But no, it's not his name... I don't know that man's name is- crossing my fingers I stretch my back, looking away at the setting sun
-Then Who's name? You actually said that before while sleeping-
-Uh? Really? Well he... I wouldn't know how to define him actually, He was a dancer who lost everything and had to leave his home now wandering around trying to survive... We met at the Capital when I got selected as one of the performers for the Wedding of the Heir, he helped me a to perfect my moves and guided me in a way. Nothing much to say-
-I'm sure you wouldn't be calling the name of someone who doesn't mean much to you when sleeping- His comment makes me cleanch my fists and grin my teeth for a second before relaxing again
-Mhn, He was a dear friend... Talking with him would stop the time forever... He was that type of person able to walk with his chin up even with hundred of scorning words piercing through him. And could even turn the tables, making others feel ashamed- I chuckle bringing two fingers to my lips and Zhou leans foward staring at me with wide eyes -Swords were mutilating him deep inside... But I didn't knew the origin of those, nor will I ever know-
-He... Died?-
I shake my head -He had to run away... But couldn't say why. It's actually stupid to say it, but at that time I really felt betrayed... We knew eachother since a very short time and, still, I grew to trust him. But apparently he did not... I naively though that finally there was someone like me, someone able to feel that empty sensation... He might not have my same powers but he too was alone and lost in a world bigger than him... Fighting not to drown as bigger fishes push you under the surface-
I rise and hand while talking and let it fall down soon after dejected -Maybe he did understand me, but couldn't trust me enough to share his burdens... He saw me struggling with simple things, he saw me loosing focus and feeling demotivated... While I couldn't. He looked so perfect, until he said goodbye with those scared eyes. I wonder if he really is a dancer afterall.... At first I only felt sad that he disappeared and hoped to meet again one day... But I realized that it wasn't the case...-
Zhou stares in silence with pressed lips for a few seconds before speaking with soft voice -You have other friends... People you cherish, that you would never hurt or want to see beign hurt... To others you feel cold and full of yourself, but have you ever thought how your friends feels toward you?-
-What are you trying to say?-
-Take your brother, I'm sure he feels inferior to you but you both would die for eachother. Or that other guy, Hua something... You said that yourself, that you're a danger for him and can't stay together or you might indirectly hurt him-
-I see where you are going...- I lower my head on my palm -You think he was afraid to compromise my safety. But my case is different, it's about a real danger... I could wound you all or even kill you if I don't learn to control myself... What could a dancer possibly do to harm someone like me?-
-Qin Luo...-
I freeze at his name
-He loved you and hated you because of that... Didn't you said so yourself?-
-He...-
-He felt useless and didn't knew what to do with his love, because he knew that you would have hold yourself back if you happened to love eachother... And of course, he did not want to stop you from taking flight. "Not wanting to cage you means having to let you go" were those his words? You never told me all the details but it's not difficult to imagine what he felt... Or what you felt. He couldn't face you, hating himself for not being enough nor could you face him, knowing to cause him pain by just existing-
-Stop it... I don't want to recall those days- I say hugging myself
-Wouldn't it be the same with this friend of yours? Maybe he too did not want to be a hold back for you, or maybe something that could potentially hurt you happened... Maybe he was even ill! Do not say he betrayed you if you don't actually know and...-
-And what? It's not like I haven't thought about it before, maybe some of these possibilities are true but I cannot bear the feeling of hurting one more person... It is better to despise somone, instead of longing for a day that will never come-
-You don't despise him, his memory still haunts you to this day... Doesn't it?-
I bite my lip
-Lai'Er... What I mean... Is...-
-I know, but I'm confused- I dig my fingers in my arm, still hugging me tight looking far away
-Don't lie to yourself- he stands up
-It's not something I'm meant for, love I mean. War, glory, sufference, hope... My life is an uncertain path for me to write it with my own hands. Enough of silk dresses, even less do I want a cage called marriage full of regrets and sadness... All while this world dies- I murmur looking at my hands
-A forced marriage is a thing, Love is another... It sounds silly but feels painful. It can set one free or cage them, that's up to how one react to it... You can still be you, even if you were to find yourself loving someone-
-It really does sounds silly- I laugh -But I don't see myself as a woman in love, I have a war to fight and no distractions needed. Afterall I and that guy, live in two different worlds-
-Different worlds but two identical creatures-
-How?- my eyes rush to find his face
-Only because you have different futures that doesn't mean you can't have identical thoughts, You felt like he understood you? Well because he probably did! We are stuck in a war between two Monarch with such different minds, can't a warrior and a dancer have a heart in common?-
-I don't think that love is what I want-
-Why not?-
-It's... It feels too stupid and suffocating to me... Beign forced to feel lonely and to serve a husband only because I was born in a woman's body, never having the recognition I deserve... It's disgusting, I hate it. I'm here in the Army because I want to break those standards,We are not objects-
-You're nobody's object, love just means to feel understood, to be read like an open book-
-I don't know...- I shake my head closing my eyes
-I'm sure ages of rules might have ruined your view on this...- he murmurs
-Growing up knowing you're just an accessory... Most of the time not even a pretty one so you get thrown away to die on the streets, and those women who always saw marriage or love as a solution don't even know how to stand on their own feet. All because of men's desires, they are the ones out there living their lives... Chosing their own paths. I hate the idea of falling Into that trap at the end, to be as stupid as everyone else. I've already came this far, I cannot let it all go to waste-
He shakes his head -It is not me the one who shall teach you this lesson...- and with that he's gone leaving me there alone.
I blink a few times before standing up as a wave of memories rushes to my mind...
I take out my sword and begin practicing over a tree to distract myself... The rage of all those years of training as a perfect wife...
The candidates...
The arranged dates and dinners...
My training in the woods...
The stolen books from my father's library...
Going against the law...
And the training camp at the Sect...
Hua and Pei'Ge...
My family...
All those people I need to protect, those who need to see a better tomorrow...
LingHe...
-Why did you have to be such a trouble for me?!- I yell at the poor wood hitting it harder. The memory of his lips, of the hunger and the rage in his kiss -It's confusing, he's confusing...- he came into my life and disappeared all in the blink of an eye, leaving me with many questions.
Qin Luo
Just the memory of his broken expression is enough to make me lit up with rage, and my anger is all directed to myself... -I am the cause of his sadness, now that he managed to overcome what happened in his past...!- I fall on my knees with and hand on the tree and one gripping on the sword on the ground.
That man... With stormy water hair... I burdened him too, with these confused emotions, as if throwing all on him could help me in any way... -All I want to do is achieve something with my own hands...- I shake my head -No... All I want is to save everyone. But how?! I keep messing up- I yell toward the sky falling seated on my heels -Gods in heaven...! Why have you given me this burden?! Because of this I keep hurting everyone around me! Is this the price to pay for this war to end?! Am I a sacrifice or a saviour?! Answer me...! Answer me!!!-
I lean on the tree resting my forehead over it -Answer me... If there's still anyone listening...- I murmur, almost waiting for a reply -The Gods are a failure too afterall... So what do I expect from myself?- I stand back up with the help of my sword.
I turn around and leave not noticing the black figure materializing were I was standing... The person cleanches their firsts, angered, and disappear in the air as black feathers...