The night before our battle I find myself alone in the tend...
I seat down at the small table where ink and paper are spread over
-I should leave a letter in case things go wrong...- I look at it recluctant.
I know I should but only the thought of doing that already hurts me, it feels as if I really could die tomorrow...
Which is the truth.
"To anyone reading this letter... I'm Ying ChangLai, a woman and a soldier.
If news reach that I died, I hope this letter will be sent to my brother PeiZhi working as a Royal Guard at the Palace.
My dear brother... I know what you might be thinking...
But that's not the case.
Your young sister didn't die on the battlefield because she wasn't ready, but because I had a side plan in which I put all my hope to help this war...
It is not a worthy death at all, in fact a very miserable one.
But I had to at least try, for the sake of all the men I meet on my journey till here.
It wasn't meant to solve the whole war but to help a tiny bit...
Please tell our parents I understand why they didn't want me to be here... After seeing so much sufference you just want to give it your all, even if death is a possible outcome.
The sadness which takes over those men facing death everyday is surely something you won't ever forget for the rest of your life...
But it's not my case, I'm not scared.
The constant sight of their suffering only pushes me further to try and alleviate it one day, in the vain hope of gifting the living a better future and the deads a peaceful rest.
I saw so much now, I cannot turn a blind eye to it.
Burned corpses... Exhibition of slashed heads... Tombstones... So many peoples having to bury their families being the only survivors.
And I heard so many stories too.
This country has been mutilated with horrors and I will do anything in my power to help stop it as a soldier!
Hua... Hug him tight for me everyday. He's still a frail creature and needs all your love and support...
Same goes for the Prince XianLen, I hope you can create a friendship with him in my substitution...
I'm sorry if this is not a long letter full of emotions and love, but at the moment I don't really have much of those to share.
Tomorrow I will be facing something I don't know...
I could die or I could not, the only thing I can think about now is to burn down that place and kill whoever is in charge...
I'm sorry for leaving you such a bad last memory of myself, but I am determined to win at any cost and I have no time to shiver or let sadness control me...
I love you Pei'Ge.
Your little Sister"
-That should be it...- I place down the brush and let the paper open for the ink to dry
-What is it?- enters the tend Qin Luo
-A letter... If tomorrow I don't come back... You know who to deliver it to-
-What if...- If today is his last day too? That's what he means
-Someone will find it, I hope... I've written who to deliver it to, just in case- I sigh standing up
-Come with me... Let's have some fresh air- he takes a bottle of wine and lead me outside.
We reach a small lake nearby the camps, it's not too close but still too exposed so normally I do not come here to wash or cultivate...
But for just a goodbye it will do
He seats down on the beach, taking a sip right from the bottle and then pass it to me
-I might finish it- I warn him
-Go ahead-
I grap the bottle a take a long sip, to the point of it spilling down the side of my mouth
-I won't say goodbye, because you will make it back- he declares, taking back the bottle I offer him
-I will-
-Nice- and he drinks again -I wanted to tell you something... The other day, I'm sure you understood...- he sighs
-I never told anyone... I thought at least one person in this world should know.
If I die... I want you to help me with that- He drinks again and again before passing me the bottle
-When I was younger... I too was an idiot like everyone. A selfish stupid boy who only ever wanted to have fun and no responsibility.
There was a brothel I used to go often, if not everyday... A girl there took a liking on me apparently and soon after she was the only girl I ever found in my bed,
Not because I wanted but apparently they took accords between them...
So the thing is... This girl really hoped in something more but I was too full of myself and only ever insulted her...
I am Noble and I thought she was just a rat compared to me but still came back everyday as a lonely drunk man
I didn't love her, nor do I now thinking back, but there was no reason for me to hate her while still coming back for her body...
I really hurt that poor woman's heart. I completely broke it...-
He whispers looking up at the stars
-One day I was extremely drunk and shamed her in front of all the other brothel's customers. She was fat, I thought, so I yelled and yelled...
"Not only you shame me with your stupid impossible fantasies but now you are even gaining weight! This is disgusting!
I'm allowing you to have be in bed with you, ignoring all the dumb blabbering, as long as you please me... But now you are just a useless ugly woman!"
She started crying and rqn away but I was too angry so I grabbed her hair and pulled back, making her fall...
She hurt herself and I just laughed, saying she wouldn't have gotten hurt if she wasn't that fat and heavy.
How stupid of me...
Not only I completely ruined her name and heart... But also caused her to hurt herself physically.
Little did I knew, she was actually pregnant... Of my very own child.
She planned to give birth to our son, believing that I would have took her as my wife then-
He looks at his hands with teary eyes before closing them tight.
-Days after someone knocked at my door. It was the head Lady of the brothel...
She came with a box and a letter.
Yeah... In that box was my son... Born premature and in absolute need of help, both physical and financial.
The letter was from the mother.
After all that happened, she still wanted to express me her love and even said something good was still buried inside me... And our son was the proof.
That poor woman died a few hours after she gave birth, so that's why the son was delivered to me.
At first I was disgusted, I thought it was all meant to hurt my Noble name and even tried to send the baby back at the brothel...
For many days I tried to ignore that little creature, I only managed to find a maid to secretly feed him in exchange of a lot of money for her silence.
I kept on trying to find some less fortunate newly married couples, who wanted to adopt him, and one day I finally did...
I took accord to have them come to my house while I wasn't home and take it from the maid in charge of him.
They were late tho and I'm so thankful to them for being late that day...!
As I arrived home I found them at my door, with the baby crying in the woman's arms...
He only moved his eyes toward me and stopped.
I gulped down and looked away, approaching the woman
"You can take him away now, I have things to do"
But the little baby grabbed my sleeve and pulled...
That was... The first time I touched my son...-
As he talks tears start falling down one after the other...
My own eyes tear up as I try to keep myself composed, biting the inside of my cheek
-I looked in his eyes for the first time and saw hope...
He looked at me with hope and love and I was doing what?
Selling him away, Me! who was his whole word...!
He was scared, not understanding what was happening, and something inside me broke... Or should I say it got fixed?
After a few seconds I took him in my arms yelling at the couple to go away...
I fell on my knees holding the baby.
My very own son...
And crying all the feelings I had lost in the previous years...
I was sorry, completely hurt and broken.
I realised I couldn't change the past... A woman died because of me... But I could still gift a good figure to that little creature in my arms.
She was right afterall... There still was something good... Only I realized it too late.
I have many regrets... And that is the worst of them all...
Killing the mother of my son... He will grow up, knowing I'm a murderer... Knowing that if he doesn't have a mother, that's my fault-
The last words come out distorted as he break down shaken by the loud cry...
I rush to his side patting his back -Even more you must survive tomorrow... Forget me, forget our plan!
Just keep on living for your son... He already lost one parent, you are his only Family... You...!- I stop talking covering my mouth
-I'm sorry...- he whispers
-Don't be, this is my choice... You don't own me anything.
While you own him a father to come back home-
He nods looking straight into my eyes -Promise me you will be back tho... You are still a child yourself-
-I will-
-Thanks...-
Of course promising can't guarantee anything... But sometimes it is better to convince yourself of a lie to feel better.