Have you ever been unhappy in your life? If you ask me, the only
answer I can give is "I don't know".
Just when did it start? I've come to feel more comfortable with joy and
sorrow befalling me at the same time than just being happy… I don't
think about what would have happened if I'd done this or that instead,
and I've come to dismiss those events of the past as something
inevitable…
I am not particularly wealthy, nor am I poor. I was born into a very
ordinary family and had a not-so-unusual childhood. I remembered
playing outside a lot when I was in elementary school, and even if I
can't say that I had lots of friends, I still have some people I can call as
one.
If I want to summarize my life, one sheet of an A4 paper would be
enough. That's about as mundane, flat, and unchanging my life is… The
only big thing that happened to me was that "my parents suddenly
died" when I was 12 years old, I think?
It's not like in those TV dramas where their parents are suffering from
an incurable disease nor were they involved in a major incident. There
are hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents a year in Japan alone, and
they just happened to be caught up in one of them…
We were on the way back from a family trip when a pile-up occurred in
the expressway we're passing through. Our small family car was
sandwiched between a big car and a truck and it was crushed in
between them. My parents were gone in an instant, while I
miraculously survived with only a minor injury, a laceration from my
ear to my neck.
In that unfortunate accident, having miraculously survived—- I guess
that means I was lucky. I was lucky and survived, while my parents
were unlucky and died.
That's how people live and die in the end. Some people die young no
matter how they take care of their health, while some people live long
enough even when they're smoking piles of cigarettes or drink like a
fish.
I never thought of my parent's deaths as being unreasonable, nor did I
think that I was a tragic character. In fact, the relatives who took me in
were good to me and I had no complaints about my daily life.
However, I started to think about it often. I thought that good and bad
luck is like two sides of the same coin… You wouldn't always be lucky in
your life. There's also no such thing as a life only filled with misfortune.
If you're fortunate enough to have it, an appropriate amount of
misfortune would also come down on you…
There's no coin that keeps showing one side. If I'm lucky enough to
survive, will I someday draw the other side of that miraculous coin? Or
perhaps, was the death of my parents actually the other side of that
coin?
What happened when I started to think that way? I think I escaped in
the beginning.
I'm sure that riajuus must be happy people who can create a wide range
of relationships with friends, lovers, and family. If that were the case
though, they will have to be prepared for the same amount of
unhappiness to befall in their lives.
A life with just happiness is scary. It's hard to feel safe when there is no
set of good and bad events.
Therefore, I ran away. I turned my attention to games and books, and
basked in my temporary sense of fulfillment.
In college, I learned to fit in with my surroundings. I learned the art of
being bland, naturally distant, and being alone. I don't need a dramatic
life. I was comfortable with the days being flat and unchanging, content
with being a supporting actor.
So, when I came to the other world, I was relieved that I wasn't the Hero
nor did I have some kind of special powers. I thought I could be
ordinary here too, and everything would be alright…
…Yes, all these times… I've been trying to make excuses for myself.
"I loved my parents. I really loved my kind mother and my wonderful
father."
…That's not it.
"I was so happy to go on this trip with my family. I believed that we
were going to have more times like this in the future."
... I haven't thought like that.
"I cried out, blaming God, wondering why I was the only one who
survived, why he didn't let me die with my parents, who I loved so
much."
...… That's not it.
"I'm scared. All I could think about is that if I get to know someone, get
along with them, and be happy, I'm afraid that I was going to lose
everything again."
...... That's not it either.
"I didn't want to be alone. I wanted a friend. I wanted to have a lover. I
was envious to those who have a family. However, I was too scared to
approach others myself, so I kept running away, desperately making
excuses for myself to be alone.
......… I haven't thought like that.
"I'm afraid of losing them. I'm afraid of acquiring what I wanted.
However, I can't give up and so, I've gotten into the habit of keeping my
distance to others. I kept a safe distance away from them, making sure
that I say only the appropriate things, so that people don't hate me, nor
would they like me."
No, you're mistaken.
"My heart has been stuck in that day's accident, and I've been left as a
child, crouching and trembling in place… No matter who it is, I want to
love them. However, I can't get close to them. So, please reach out your
hand, help me pick up the broken pieces of what used to be my heart,
for even I don't know myself anymore."
No, you're wrong, that's not it!
"I had high hopes. When I found out that I was caught up in the
summoning of the Hero, I thought I could also be special, and if I'm
someone special, someone would reach out a hand and help me… But in
the end, even in another world, I wouldn't be special. I'm just a loner
with no friends and acquaintances, and even though I'm in a different
world, I've never been able to change myself…"
.........
"The truth is… I was scared. A world I didn't understand, my
circumstances, and people I didn't know… but that's why I stayed calm.
I had to behave and desperately push down my anxiety. If they thought I
was a pathetic adult, Kusunoki-san or Yuzuki-san might give up on me.
If they think I'm a pain in the ass, Lilia-san and Lunamaria-san might
abandon me."
......…
"I'm also doing my best! I keep lying to myself, even though I'm trying
so hard to look good to others! Why, oh why!? Why is it only I who's
ever had bad things happen to me!? I never asked to live in a residence
that's supposed to be forbidden for males! I never said about wanting to
go out on the first day I came to a different world!! I never wanted to be
summoned by the king's beloved sister, Lilia-san!!!"
......
"I just wanted someone to be beside me… I just wanted someone to
affirm that it's okay to be indecisive… I just wanted someone who'd
hold out a hand filled with affection towards me…"
...
This was probably a cry that had always been in my heart all along. No
one notices it, and even I don't know it well. These self-centered desires
of mine that look like a child's selfishness.
Before I knew it, I made it myself. A wall in my heart, tall enough for me
to hide in. A cage to hide my weakness, a shield to protect my cowardly
self…
—–Look, didn't I tell you before? That if you're in a predicament, I can
help you.
No one should have noticed it. There's no way that it could be noticed.
Yes, that's what I thought…
—–That's why it's okay for you to be empty for now.
However, before I knew it, she appeared.
—–I will teach you! Things you don't know, sights you've never seen,
this world itself!
She stepped into the depths of my heart as if it's natural, as if to say that
there has never been a wall in my heart right from the start.
—–where you—- are the protagonist of this story!
And then, as if it were natural, she reached out her hand to the
crouching me.
—–Mhmm, if you won't talk with me like you usually do, I won't like it.
Being pushed around sometimes like a friend do…
—–I think it's really cool that a child can naturally do that.
And sometimes, encouraging me like a lover do…
—–It's alright. I would be here with you…
And sometimes, she was like a mother to me, giving me the words that I
wanted to hear.
It's as if she could say that she knows everything about me, she was
boisterous, warm, innocent, and kind… She would always give me the
smile I wanted most.
Embracing my indecisive thoughts, she picked up the broken pieces of
my heart and gently pushed it back to my body.
Ah, I see—- so that's how it is. I may have finally figured it out. The
thing I wanted—- The thing that I've always been looking for—–
My consciousness slowly awakens from my pleasant slumber. As soon
as I opened my eyes, what I saw was a pair of gentle eyes staring at me.
[…Kuro?]
[Good morning, Kaito-kun.]
[Good morning… How long have I been sleeping?]
[An hour or so?]
[I see.]
Slowly, I sit up. Strangely, I felt light, as if something that had been
weighing down on my body disappeared.
[You look kind of refreshed huh.]
[…Ahh, yeah. Well, how should I say this…]
I honestly didn't have an answer for what I wanted to do nor what I
wanted to happen.
I just had the thought in my head that I should stop crouching down in
place.
[I think I want to do my best on various stuff again.]
[I see… Then, I will be rooting for you. Do your best, Kaito-kun!]
[Yeah, thanks.]
I still don't know a lot about this world and myself… but the
circumstances have finally changed. It's about time for me to start
walking too.
Yes, let's start with self-discovery or whatever they call it. I'm a little
nervous and afraid, but I think it'll be alright. Because I've received the
courage to start walking. Just like Kuro said, let's start again here, in this
world.
The thing I once closed myself off. The story of the one named Miyama
Kaito…