"Aah!" I scream while wielding my sword with a deadly precision that can only be a real match for a Farrix. I can see Zul is impressed, but he doesn't want to let me know he is, instead he continues to fight me even harder. Zero mercy has been shown to me today and I welcome the hostility he gives me. This is Zul's way of letting me know my skills are improving. Each attack from him is so calculated and cold, that I even forget he is my friend and that he is teaching me how to fight.
Zul's eyes are like two icy spheres staring at me, and his face is almost without expression. There is no sound coming out of his mouth except for his heavy breathing… Unlike me (I yell and I feel as much as I think). While watching the rapid movements of his sword, I try to concentrate, but there are too many thoughts in my mind crashing like a heavy current, trying to drown me. I need to shut them out or I won't be able to survive Zul's perfect rage.
Toran's voice peaks in my head among my memories, and I remember what she taught me. Feel, Drea, you are a Kandreo too, I remind myself as I breathe in and let my instincts take over. Without warning, I snap out of my confusing thoughts, jumping, bending and not only blocking, but avoiding many swings from Zul's sword, as if I am freestyle dancing.
He seems irritated now, and a little confused. I take that to my advantage, and when he least expects it, I roll on the floor and take him by his feet. His eyes are fixed on my sword as I hold it against his neck while the weight of my body rests on him. Laying on top of him, hyperventilating has never felt more peaceful. I don't make a sound and neither does he.
We stay like this for a good minute, staring into each other's eyes. Then he nods and I do the same, quickly getting off of him. When I stand up and help him do the same he stays still in front of me… then he bows to me. Zul's actions send chills down my spine! I don't know what to make of this! He is serious! He is not mocking me! When he lifts his head I stare at him and see fire in his eyes, a fire I have never seen in them before.
I can't explain the profound way Zul is looking at me. I want to know what kind of emotion burns behind his eyes. I want to discover what his expression and silence are telling me, and feel what my friend, whom I don't recognize at the moment, is feeling. So without containing myself, I do what was done to me once, only this time I am prying, not sharing. I grab Zul's hands and concentrate on the touch… the blood running through his veins, the pulse beating inside his body, and then beyond.
My sense of being hears the sound of his existence, and I follow the muffled sound until I find him, his soul! For the first time I see who Zul really is. He closes his eyes, feeling his energy being pulled by mine, and I do the same as I embark on a journey with his gentle, yet restless soul. I feel his pain, his fears, his dreams, his failures and then, in there, between all his messy sea of emotions that he is able to hide too well, I find what I just awaken in him; Respect and admiration! I have gained his respect and admiration!
His emotions are as vivid as the waves of a stormy ocean. I can almost touch them, but they all disappear on a glimpse as soon as Zul pulls his hands away from mine. The disruption of our connection is so abrupt that it makes me open my eyes as soon as I no longer feel it. One look at him makes me notice his discomfort. Pain and shame is written all over his face. Awkwardly, he picks up his sword from the floor and when he turns to look at me again, nervously swallowing the knot in his throat, I become aware of what I have done.
I see my betrayal in his wounded eyes. "Zul… Zul, I'm sorry!" I manage to say, embarrassed of my own intrusion. What I did is a violation of privacy! I finally admit to myself. He shakes his head. "How could you?" Zul asks, with a cracking raspy voice. A tear escapes his eyes and he quickly cleans it with the palm of his hand. Shaken by his reaction, I try to reach out and apologize, but Zul flinches and distances himself from me.
"Don't you ever do that to me again!" He yells at me like he has never done before and I tremble at the sight of his anger. "Do you hear me?" Zul shouts with rage, pointing a finger at me, breathing heavily and looking at me with glossy eyes that scream louder than his voice.
I nod while shaking, ashamed, consumed by sadness and fear, and terrified of losing his friendship. My heart breaks and a sob escapes my mouth, followed by tears. Zul stares at me in disbelief, disappointed. I don't need to pry on his soul again to know what that look means. The look on his face now makes me remember another emotion I felt from him, one he feels all the time, deception.
If I was gaining any of his trust before, I have already lost it in a matter of seconds. Why did I have to do that? Why did I let my curiosity lead me to do such an unthinkable act? How do I fix this?
Zul walks away, shaking his head, and I can see him wiping more tears from his eyes. As he leaves I remain in the same spot, sobbing, regretting extracting his personal feelings and glimpses of memories that were not mine to see.
I wish I would have kept wondering what he felt when he bowed and looked at me the way he did. At least my conscience was clean then, when I didn't know his emotions. Perhaps he would have told me someday, but now, I can't even look him in the eyes. All I see is horror when I picture his face and remember the way he looked at me after I did what Toran showed me the Kandreo people could do. Intrusion! I was forceful! I took what was not mine to possess, the precious knowledge of a soul!
This knowledge is tainted with horrific memories of how I brutally robbed him of his most private personal thoughts. How could I ruin such a beautiful moment between us? Respect and admiration might be impossible to inspire after what I have done to Zul. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I had respected him.
It has been a day since I violated Zul's thoughts and emotions.
After eating breakfast and doing chores, I summoned the courage to head to the usual spot where Zul and I practiced fighting skills. I'm not surprised to find myself alone. What can I expect after what happened yesterday? He has been avoiding me and I have been giving him space, but I feel it is time to face each other already. I can't take the tension between us anymore. I need to keep apologizing until I find a way to make it up to him.
I walk through the corridors and peek in every room I think Zul might be in until I find him. I stop at the door, observing in silence how he cleans the weapons of this ship. He looks so peaceful sitting down while he holds a weapon in his hands. I am not sure if he is aware of my presence yet, and to be honest I don't want to move, because I am afraid he might get up and leave.
I just stare at him until he sees me. His eyes glare at me, and he continues to clean. I move forward and stand before him nervously, to try to speak, but he talks to me first.
"I have nothing else to teach you, Andreamaba", he says, without even looking at me. His eyes are focused on the weapons he cleans, and my hands shake as I play with my necklace. He seems so indifferent while he talks, but I know he is putting on his mask. Zul is very good at that; at pretending nothing bothers him, at pretending he doesn't care. It is his defense mechanism.
"Maybe your other traitor friend can teach you more tricks, but who knows, maybe the pupil has more tricks than the master", Zul adds bitterly. I speak up now, sounding desperate. "Zul please, forgive me. I know I had no right to do that. What can I do to make it up to you? Maybe I can show you my thoughts and feelings and then you'll see I am really sorry. Maybe I can let you in on my secrets too-"
"-Why don't you make yourself more useful and go take a nap, so you can contact your brother?" Zul says, interrupting me and looking at me seriously. That is one skill none of us have, and it is urgent to know his location. Tell him our ship will arrive in approximately one week from today."