My belief over rebirth couldn't be explained in much detail because I never believed it.
Rebirth is made up fact. It is fragile fantasy made to keep people hopeful that death isn't the end and there are sexy angels waiting for us. Reinforceing cosmic justice for life's deeds, they vividly described afterlife punishments - crushed beneath colossal cylinders, fried in fiery sauces, or released to world as poor blind creature.
All scripted by the intelligent minds of antiquity.
It's what I believed. Anchored to my reasons.
Because it kept people in line. They wouldn't go schools blasting bullets in children brains or force on lamb brain kids sensually. The fear acted inhibition that they wouldn't commit crime or do harm, being afraid of afterlife consequences.
Like law of another form but embedded in conscience.
These are ruminanations swirling my mind.
I am Jewnil Vitnazi.
I graduated from decent university, got into decent company, decent job and salary of labourer.
Fate just oscillates from there and there.
No difference, all the same when you die. Just more people remember if you die with fame.
I am just returning from my IT job in small company. It's already past ten, night too dark for ghosts to see me.
I am walking dark alley way, thinking how me being virgin matters to none. I want to make lot of kids as soon as I marry. I want to marry as soon as I settle. I want to settle as soon as I earn lot of money. And so on.
Not having sex wasn't anything grand, shit even farting animal as intelligent as Americans performs sex in more elegant manner ..
It was all temporary, the pleasure i mean, but fact of being virgin was permanent. It's not like I tried to woo some dumb cow and failed at it. It's just that I never tried. Because I thought I had lot of time at hand and priorities were gawking at me.
I exited dark alley and emerged onto main road and said "anyway" and stopped thinking annoying things. I just wanted to go room and have some chicken biriyani and cola. And watch a new anime or donghua if there is. Last time I watched Swallowed Star I was through and through impressed.
As I was swallowed in these thoughts, I felt relaxed and started swinging arms to feel more relaxed.
I heard sound of scooter passing from behind and thought I should ask drop or something. Because work already tired me I didn't want to tire myself more.
And before I could turn behind. I was hit with reckless force at back like volleyball being smashed. I shouted out to my all ancestors "pa mi da di do do doww", incoherently.
Bones were broke or not, I can't think clearly. But it ached all over. I was flat on ground. I lifted head and I saw blurry image of man on scooty regaining his posture. It seems he didn't have it in control as he seemed drunk.
My glasses and consciousness missing to see much of it. As soon as I regained consciousness I heard a loud horn. It was so loud that drunk scooty guy was rushing toward road near me trying to escape.
Seeing that, I shouted, "Where you running , son of .. ". Realised it was pointless but anyway I was relieved.
I was relieved that somebody is rushing over to help me. I tried to get up and turned towards the horn, wanting to wave " I am okay" even though I was not. I had elbows on ground feeling nauseous. And horns turned stronger.
---
And there it was a heavy truck with thundering horn, in an instant arrived right at him and ran over Jewnil Vitnazi like mosquito being pasted on asphalt and red spilled over sidewalk like paint.
In the final instant thoughts crossed his mind could have been anything. But it was he himself not sure of he would think.
He thought what if rebirth and supernatural stuff were real
Immediate death, without vessel, he felt his soul being grabbed by unknown force, it felt like his whole body being grabbed at. But body was already paste to speak of.
He fought against unknown cosmic force to no avail. He racked his brain and sang all mantras and prayed earnestly all divine names he encountered in this life. But it was fruitless.
He pleaded. Nothing worked. He again, this time, shouted names of all international gods but they did not work. He got angry over cinemas that deceived him with false gods.
At last he thought before unfathomable took him, I will end myself. He tried crashing himself at nothing in futile manner, nothing happened. Desparate situations met unyielding nothingness.
Finally before he could try anything anymore, his sense of self was starting to get erased. Memories were intact but he couldn't associate himself with them. It is conceptually painful process.
As encroachment started affecting, Jewnil started singing nursery rhymes, they came as rescue as process slowed down, he started resisting with immense will power using rhymes and mantras but he knew eventually he was powerless.The idea of fighting was reminding himself of his identity repeatedly.
This invisible reset thingy happening to souls wasn't anything people knew. He wished there were at least hells for him but it seemed hell wasn't reserved for him, he thought it was probably overpopulated and this was backup.
As he was thinking these things while resisting, reset thingy suddenly loosened and before he could momentarily relax, swiftly a crueler and stronger pull grabbed him.
He thought probably cosmic force sensed his thoughts of hell and mockery and got offended and enforced retribution.
Effectively, force was so painful if he had million mouths , he wanted all of them to shout "I don't want hell". But to no avail the grab went stronger and finished.
And grab was gone.
Jewnil ...
The pain I felt earlier is still starkly pricking me like needle being pierced over and over. I tried to make sense of my current predicament.
It seems I am being swallowed by an big organism, is this smooth upgrade for memory washing process. I felt squishy sensation the pressure felt like hungry snake swallowing frog into stomach. Even though experience was different result were same, that is the my end. And it happened.
All of sudden, without any time to think, I felt sense of self being erased. My existence becoming fainter and fainter. And ushered to nil.