Anyway, did I introduce myself? l am Chole . I live in Bay city .It's hot here . Sweat droplets form spontaneously .When I look at the mirror I see my face reflected there , waist length dark hair,I look like Lady Lilith by Rossetti.I like my lips, plump and a bit haughty lower lip vaguely pushing the upper , I don't like my eyes though the are a little bit what is the word droopy. I guess that just means I look like Fanny Cornforth , except the hair of course.I gave myself this hair cut recently I dunno what's it called only the bangs part look like wolf cut but the rest of the hair is just lair cut I think. I improvised ,my hair is the only pride and joy of my life and my eyebrows too they are very nice and arched , if l say so myself . I got them from my dad. There's nothing going on with my life honestly, no lovers ,no nothing. I do have good friends I think. So I am currently busy taking look warm preparation for my semester final.That's my life I guess. Millie visited me yesterday and said that when she looks at the stories that l write feels kinda unoriginal,low key forced. SHIT AT LEAST I WRITE SOMETHING... God she is so infuriating.... or not , she has a lot going on actually, I shouldn't be like this.
Days are passing by so quickly it feels like my youth will be over in a blink of an eye. Sometimes I feel depressed about my major. I don't study actually ,I say that I don't and I don't .I spend at least 5 hours daily on insta.I don't think anyone serious would do that.
Seasons have changed, no cumulonimbus anymore . Its hot in my country this year . Really hot. I have to buy an air conditioner hot. Still I don't miss winter. OH no how I abhor that damn winter.
I feel like I have lost the ability to write. Whenever I open the laptop and try to put down whatever that is on my mind it feels like an obligation. I read this news paper interview of Camus or something, he said he never read his father's work in case they lacked originality. Then one day he read them while shaking with apprehension and his was intuition justified. They did lack originality. That interview shook me, especially because I had just read Outsider back then. I like Camus, honestly. I feel a sort of affinity towards him. I like Fitzgerald too. Amory and I are twins practically or l feel like that anyway. I think it's really hard to find your voice. And it's really easy to lose it. More so if you're a teacher.
Last night I had a dream. I don't want to talk about it. I am having strange dreams recently. I am losing myself it seems sometimes. l can not construct complex sentences. This noon I was reading or was trying to read ( I can't even concentrate on books now... OH how Instagram has corrupted me) a book, forgotten the name, it stars a Rosemary and a Dick .anyway, that novel has such beautiful poetic lines and they were really hard for me to understand!!! And I swear this wasn't an issue before. That's why I said I am losing myself, I feel... so uneducated . OH I just realized, I was reading Tender is the night.
Moonlight always seemed to me edible. Like the lair that forms over milk when you boil it for sometime. What's it called? No idea. I woke up early and called Neela with the intention of a walk. She didn't pick up so I left a message and slept only for 5 minutes I told myself and we all know how it works out . Then she called me and I couldn't wake up so we had to abandon the idea of walking today. Sleep will be the end of me. Later in the morning when I was walking to my tutoring gig I saw something very strange.
There is a lake on the way to my students house. He lives in a gated community and they have a central lake . You have to cross this really fancy bridge, a hanging bridge in fact and reach their house on the other side. They are loaded as you can see . Lives in a duplex and shit with a drawing room you can play football in. I am derailing from my topic. The strange was that I saw a lot of dead fish floating in the lake's water. I got hit by a sense of strong déjà vu . I don't know why. I say this phenomenon to be strange because one well, there WAS a lot of fish, it was ghastly really and two as I have said before this was a pretty posh place. You would think they could maintain things. Well there was no smell so that's great. I forgot to ask my student about it though. Because that little shit didn't do the homework I told him to. Makes me real mad , my student does. I said
"David , my boy, listen you don't want to be illiterate do you?? Why the hell do not do what I tell you to? What are you ten?? What's wrong with you???"
I am pretty strict. Maybe because my tutors were too. But It paid off . The thing with David is that if you don't remind the guy to do his hw via text for a hundred and ten times he will NOT do it . To think he is giving o levels next year!!! Well, I was a pretty difficult student too , I can't complain really. Its the karma for annoying my teachers , I tell you . Nothing but karma.
Wait… now I remember why I was having a deja vu . I had a dream about dead fishes and lakes few days ago.In fact I think I saw this exact scene. Odd........ Well whatever sub conscious playing tricks.