Her eyes snapped open, but all she could see was black, an endless void where the forest, the alcove, and Carter had been just moments ago.
She blinked, trying to adjust to the sudden change, but the darkness remained impenetrable. A wave of panic rose within her. What happened? Did she do it wrong? Where was Carter? And most importantly, where the fuck was she?
In the distance, she thought she heard Carter's voice, faint and distorted, as if coming from far away. But she couldn't be sure. The darkness was all-encompassing, a silent, empty space that offered no answers, nothing. She was alone. In this void that was disconnected from everything and everyone. Her breath soon came in short, rapid bursts.
As she stood there, enveloped in the unnerving void, the world around her began to shift. It was subtle at first, like shadows dancing at the edge of her vision. Gradually, shapes and colors started to form, coalescing into something more tangible.
The darkness receded like a tide pulling back, revealing her surroundings. She blinked in disbelief. She was in her dorm room, a place she knew so well but had seemed so far away. Around her were the familiar walls plastered with posters, the cluttered desk, and her bed, unmade as always.
In front of her was her desk, littered with a pile of papers and a to-do list filled with tasks. Stacks of cup noodles, her go-to meal during late-night study sessions, were piled haphazardly to one side.
But it was the reflection in her laptop screen that caught her attention. It showed her, but she was different. There were dark bags under her eyes, she was exhausted and tired and restless all at once. She wanted to sleep but couldn't because she had to face another day just existing. She needed to work but every time she looked at her to do list it was like staring at a list of all her worst traits.
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Wₑᵢᵣ𝒹
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Dₑₐ𝒹𝓌ₑᵢ𝓰ₕₜ
Why can't she do it? Everyone around her strives, they do things so easily and quickly while she gets burned out by a single task. Why can't she be like that? Why can't she be fixed? Day after day after day was a circle, from elementary school to high school to college. She woke up, work piles more and more and she can't seem to get it to lessen, it only adds. Is this going to be her life from now on? Deadlines she can't possibly meet, past due requirements she runs away from?
She can't do this, being as she is now in this loop, she feels like she's wasting everyone's time. She is wasting everyone's effort, all the money, the tutors, the pills to help her. They weren't enough. They will never be enough. She can't do it.
She frantically moved, packing only her energy drinks and a containment of pills with her. She took four this morning, one for the guidance counselor meeting, two for the hurt she caused her mom, three for the hurt she feels for causing this mess, and four for the long hours she was going to go through meeting all her requirements. She can't even do that right, she took another pill and left the building and ran, just ran.
She doesn't know where she's going, she doesn't want to know, she just wants to go. She just wants to go far away. Away from here, away from her parents, away from her teachers, just away. She ran past stores, buildings, people she had seen before but she didn't give another glance for she knows what look they will give her.
She stopped, her breathing was harsh, her lungs were on fire, she crouched down and just breathed. 10, 9, 8–
There was a light coming towards her, a headlight, a truck, coming straight at her. She wished she could say her body instinctively moved away. Because that was normal, survival of the fittest, but her feet were glued. And she just wanted to rest.
Grace stumbled back, and she hit the floor with a thud. There was ringing in her ear as her fingers dug into the soil and dirt. The world around her felt disjointed, as if reality itself was fragmenting. Her heart pounded in her chest, each beat echoed in her ears as if they were drums on speaker.
What?
What the fuck?
Her breathing became erratic, shallow gasps punctuated by sharp inhales. It felt as if the air itself was thick, making each breath a Herculean effort. The ground beneath her was solid, yet it seemed to sway and tilt. She died. She died. She fucking died.
The air around her crackled with energy, an uncontrollable force. Fleeting images and fragments of memories flickered in and out of existence around her - a textbook from her world, a half-written assignment, echoes of voices - all swirling in a vortex of her creation.
Carter's voice was somewhere in the distance, his mouth was moving but she couldn't hear a word, it was distant, muffled by the roaring in her ears. She couldn't focus on him, couldn't grasp the reality he was in. He was there, but he wasn't, all at once.
Her vision blurred, the edges of her sight darkening, the sounds of the forest, the rustling leaves, the distant chirp of birds, all were drowned out by the sound of her own frantic heartbeat.
The sensation of someone touching her sent a jolt through her body. It felt like a burning, intense heat where a person's hand laid on her. To possibly settle her? Calm her down? Maybe but the touch was too much, too much, she didn't want to be touched, it felt like a fire being drawn to her skin. She can't be touched, stop, stop—
"No stop–Stop touching me Mom!" Her voice cracked, she hugged herself tighter until she could feel her claws digging into her skin. Until finally–finally, she couldn't feel burning touches on her skin. Her body felt light like a puppet being dragged, her eyelids felt heavy, and she couldn't move, couldn't stand, until her eyes closed and her world turned black once again.