Shigure and his bed were not in my room when I woke up. I couldn't find him, but that could be because he was sleeping or something. Too tired to get up or move, I chose the next best option. I released the brakes off my bed with telekinesis and pushed the bed with me in it toward the door.
The bed was heavy and wasn't very easy to manoeuvre. The effort made me sweat.
Shigure didn't answer through the link and it seemed that he was unconscious. I pushed the bed along the corridor to the surprise of some families. Those families called the nurses who were in a handover meeting.
The nurses rushed out and exclaimed to see my bed rolling slowly along by itself. Someone caught the bed and I was pushed back into my room, covered with sweat.
"Why is she all wet? She's soaking."
I was too tired after all that effort. I fell asleep again, anxiously wondering where Shigure was. I left him a note via our link for him to read when he woke up. But then decided I couldn't wait anymore. Carefully, I peered at what was going on and realised his heart had stopped. I shrieked with fear and began pumping his heart for him.
I struggled up out of bed crying and calling his name. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't. He couldn't.
The nurses held me down, calling for help while I fought to call his name. A doctor came running.
"You're worried about your husband, correct?" the doctor asked me. "He's in surgery. He's ok. He's just in surgery. He'll be better when he comes back."
"Surgery?" I mouthed at the doctor and he nodded hard.
"It's open heart surgery. The heart is stopped but a machine continues to pump and circulate the blood for him. They're going to replace a valve and perform a bypass graft for him," the doctor said. "Don't panic. Don't be scared. Your husband is alright. He's alright. He'll be back later. He had a heart attack earlier but we managed to save him in time. That's it. It's alright."
I lay on the bed feeling exhausted.
So he was just having open heart surgery. He wasn't dead. They had stopped his heart for the surgery. Everything was going to be alright.
There was a cry of surprise when I suddenly fell still but I wasn't paying attention. I went to have a look at the surgery, feeling my heart ache for my man. How much longer were things going to take before the two of us could get better to live a normal wedded couple's life?
My chest hurt and I felt the distant jolting of electricity.
*"Harmony,"* called the Creator's voice.
*"Creator Father, I'm here,"* I replied.
*"Go back,"* the Creator told me in a soft voice. *"I will take care of and watch over my son. You go back and mind your health. Junichi will be fine."*
*"Ok,"* I sighed with relief at the reassurance, sinking back into my body where the staff around me gave a cheer.
There was a regular beeping sound from behind my head.
I tried to open my bleary eyes. My eyelids felt so heavy.
A female doctor saw me peering at them through my eyelids and gave me a tired but cheerful smile of relief.
"You're back with us? You must be tired. Feel free to get some rest. Don't worry about your husband. We'll let you know the moment he's out of surgery. You have to stay calm. If something happens to you, won't he worry about you more? Then you'll set back your husband's recovery. You have to stay strong and healthy for him. Then only he can recover with ease as well."
I managed to give a minute nod before letting my eyes fall closed again. The bustle of a large group of people woke me up. They sounded happy. Shigure's soft but hoarse voice could be heard amidst the laughter. It sounded like his family had come to visit him and he was happy. That was good. I was glad that he was happy.
He deserved to be happy. I kept getting in his way and dragging him down. From the sounds of things, he really belonged with his family. I shouldn't get in the way of him reconciling with his family and getting better. Perhaps, when I had more energy, I should just speed up his healing. He could go home and enjoy the time with them. He didn't really need me.
If I hung around, eventually, I'd be returning home to my own country. I'd be visiting the Land and looking for Homeward and Apricorn. I'd go searching for the Forest Mother and Desert Father. Now that Shigure's goal of defending the city had been broken, perhaps he would prefer to stay here with his family.
He might not want me anymore. After all, they had been talking just now about how I was a gaijin foreigner who didn't know their culture. What if his family forced us to divorce? Would Shigure still fight against his family despite enjoying this chance to reunite?
I couldn't help it. All my insecurities came back to bombard me, contradicting each other. It made my chest and head feel tight. It hurt. It hurt. It really hurt. Just the thought of Shigure possibly abandoning me again made me feel sick. Really sick. My stomach twisted and the pain ripped through my heart.
He'd already tried to abandon me more than once. Although we had married, he had been willing to die and leave me. He had wanted to send me away with Homewood. What did that mean? My brain understood that it meant he cared enough to send me to safety, but he would have done that for anybody, right? He hadn't really wanted to be with me in the first place. I had needed to make the first move every time.
Did that mean he didn't really want me? What would happen the day he felt he didn't need me?
The tribes were no more. There was nothing to really tie us together. No reason for us to be master and apprentice. There was no one to judge anymore. We weren't City Agents anymore. There wasn't even a city to protect.
The tribes were gone. The Land was gone. I had no place to belong to anymore. I had no home. My own family didn't want me anymore. If Shigure didn't want me either. What was meant to do with myself? I had no more reason to live.
"Uki-chan," Shigure's voice whispered but I thought he was just still talking to his family. Not to me. "Help me. Push my bed over to her. She's overthinking and I need to calm her down."
My thoughts circled and tightened around me like a restrictive band, growing tighter and tighter. I gasped for breath, reaching out for help but there was no one there. I'd been abandoned again. Thrown out. Cast out. No one wanted me. Why would they want me, after all? Nobody loved me. Nobody cared for me. Why should I stay and keep trying to stay alive? Once Shigure was well again, would he even need me anymore?
He was so strong now. Stronger than anyone I knew besides the area guardians. He'd surely be able to handle everything on his own. I was too low levelled to be able to function on the same level as him. I was a slow learner. I didn't understand any of the strategies or ways of doing things. I was only good at following orders and not thinking too much. I was not his match. I was unworthy of him.
A hand caught hold of my cold one. A warm hand.
Something heavy bumped my bed and I felt Shigure's arms encircle me. Smelled his scent. Felt his breath on my skin.
"I'm here," he told me in my own tribal language. He hardly ever spoke my tribal language and I had forgotten that he was fluent in it albeit with an odd accent. "I'm here. Don't panic. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you behind. You're safe. I've got you. Don't be scared. I've got you and I'm never letting you go. I like you and love you the way you are. I need you. There's no need to worry. I need you too. You help anchor me and keep me from losing sight of what is right. You keep my emotions from exploding. Harmony, my precious Uki-chan, we haven't come this far and shared so many trials and dangers for me to be able to give you up just like that. Look at our link. It's bound us tight together. We'll belong to each other forever."
Shigure pointed at the rooms and doors and colours on his side of the link, such a big contrast to my more utilitarian side of the link, wordlessly reminding me of how much he loved me. It showed how much more he loved me than I did him. And it made me feel guilty that I didn't love him more. He really had married down to be with me. He deserved better.
"Ok? Don't worry yourself into a pit of panic. You're ok. I'm ok. We're going to be ok. Aren't we still supposed to have our second child? Didn't you want me to give you another baby? When we're both strong and healthy again, when we've both recovered, let's do it again, ok? Let me give you my baby."
I buried my face in his chest and felt the stitches there and his aching pain.
That's right. He'd just had surgery.
I poked at the wounds and silently commanded healing, so that he didn't feel so much pain and I didn't have to worry about hurting him.
"Uki-chan," said Shigure, awkwardly. "What did I tell you? Let's take things slowly and take our time recovering."
But he was hurt and I had caused him to have a heart attack. My heart ached for him and I just couldn't stand seeing him so unwell anymore. I released the healing power and there was a white flash of glowing light.
Shigure's family all exclaimed and Shigure groaned in pain at the itching and sudden healing of everything in his body returning to its best condition. I loved him so much. If I gave him whatever he needed from my body as well, surely, surely he would get better and not have to worry so much anymore. He wouldn't need me and I wouldn't pull him down. I could be a part of him like this too. He could go and do whatever he wanted to do. Surely then…
"Uki-chan! Do not sacrifice yourself for me like this!" Shigure shouted at me both through our link and out loud. "Stop it! I'm not leaving you and you are not leaving me! Listen to me. Didn't you say it yourself? We're married. We're partners for life. Where you go, I go. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you. Uki-chan, dammit, I LOVE YOU. Get that into your thick head. I didn't marry down. I didn't marry you because I was desperate or because you made me feel like I owe you. I love you because you are you. I love you for yourself. You are worthy of my love just as much as I am worthy of yours! Stop being so selfish! I didn't ask for you to ever give yourself up for me. I just want you to live well and be happy. You haven't had much peace or happiness in your life. Let me give that to you. Please?"
I stopped the healing and the giving, but it was too late, because he was almost completely recovered. He'd just need to undergo physical rehabilitation again and he'd be fine. It was better this way. He looked so much more handsome this way.
Shigure hugged my body tight to him. He held my cheeks in his hands and spoke slowly and clearly in my own language.
"I know you don't feel safe and have never truly felt safe and secure. Let me learn how to be your security. You can rest and trust in my vows that just like the Creator said he'd never leave you, I'm not going to either. I promised. We've made vows. I'm never going to not want you. Let me hold you and teach you that you are safe. You are safe and secure here together with the Creator and me. You're ok. You're going to be ok. You have to believe that."
His fingers wiped away my tears but I couldn't find the energy to open my eyes.
"Oh, Uki-chan," he murmured, hugging me. "Don't be scared. I'm here. Your husband is here. Everything is going to be fine. Just fine."