While I was thinking, I looked down into the water that was slowly flowing by. I hadn't looked into a mirror for a long time and while the water would show me a distorted image, I was curious. Had I changed since the last time I had looked in the mirror?
When was the last time I had looked into a mirror? I cast my mind back and riffled through my memories, skipping large sections of things I didn't want to remember right now. It took some time, but I finally found it. The last time I had properly looked into a mirror was the night before my former team had gone on to find Tirion Wold.
I frowned to myself in thought. Most bathrooms were equipped with mirrors. How had I not looked into a mirror during all this time? Unless I had and forgotten?
Looking into the water now, my eyes widened in shock.
My hair was silver. Silver like Shigure's. My eyebrows were like his too. Silver. The exact same shade of silvery white blonde. Moonbeam coloured. Platinum. I'd never thought much about the colour on him, but now that I was wearing it, I scrutinised the colour.
I almost couldn't recognise myself.
"When did my hair turn silver?" I asked the Creator who was watching me. "How come I didn't know when it changed colour?"
Surely I would have noticed it when I was brushing my hair in the past?
"Your hair changed colour gradually," the Creator told me, "so you did not notice it at first. It started to change after you first received the inheritance from Shigure. Do you remember? All your hair fell out at that time. When it grew back, you may not have noticed but your hair grew back a lighter colour. Then in the ensuing time, with every new stressful event, your hair gradually became lighter in colour until it has become the colour it is now. It worried some of your colleagues a lot, however Shigure reassured them that this is what happened to him as well."
"So at the time when Shigure and I helped to end the invasion, my hair hadn't turned this colour yet?" I asked, turning my head side to side to get a better look at it.
"Your hair was streaked with the colour of the Shigure inheritance at that time," the Creator nodded. "Even Shigure could see how much toll your illnesses and the war had taken on your body when you met again as prisoners of war. Your hair had almost completely changed colour by then."
"I look kind of cool now," I twitched my nose, "but if someone didn't look closely, they'd think I was an old lady. I think I have more hair than before now. Is there a way for my hair to go back to my original colour without dying it?"
"I promised your first Shigure predecessor that those who walk in his legacy and receive his inheritance will gain this mark. This way, it would be obvious to all who his heirs are. The period of time during which your hair had not yet changed colour was meant to be a probationary period. If you want your hair to return to its original colour, you will also lose the inheritance and be cast out from the Shigure line of judges. Otherwise I would be breaking my promise to my friend."
"I see," I kicked my feet in the water. "I don't mind this colour. I think… I feel almost pretty like this. This way everyone will be able to see that Shigure and I belong to each other." I looked up at the Creator and leaned against his legs again. "Father, is that ok? Is it ok for me and Shigure to get together. May I marry him? Can I have his baby? I don't know what it is to fall in love with somebody, but I think that Shigure is the most perfect one for me. The only thing that troubles me is whether it's allowed and how old he is."
A smile crinkled in the Creator's eyes when He returned my querying gaze.
"You were and are beautiful, Harmony. I won't deny that the two of you are compatible in some ways, but the reasons for which you wish to marry him and your attitude toward the marriage is wrong. I suggest you deeply consider what it means to make a marriage covenant with someone before you start to think of marrying Shigure. If you want an evenly yoked marriage covenant, there are many things you need to consider."
The Creator stroked my hair. While I listened hard.
"Tell me," the Creator continued. "Do you know what his attitude toward your thoughts and intentions is? Also, what do you know of his background? Do you really know him as a person? Do you understand what kind of relationship you are getting yourself into? Shigure has sacrificed a lot for you and you have done a lot of things for him, but are you truly evenly matched? Does he trust you and feel safe, at peace or secure in your presence? An unevenly yoked covenant often leads to one party becoming worn out. There must be a relatively even amount of give and take from both sides."
"That's a lot to think about," I said in thought, rubbing my nose. "I think I forgot that marriage is a covenant. If I married him, it would be really unfair to him. He'd have to put up with a lot."
"He already does," the Creator stroked my hair.
"I know," I agreed cheerfully, knowing that I was a handful, "and I'm thankful for it. I'm glad he's so much more mature and experienced than me. I'd be lost without him. Can you tell me how old he is?"
"I recommend you sit down and have a good talk with him yourself. You both first had a relationship as mentor and mentee, followed by work partners and then a master-apprentice relationship. Not to mention with your mental link, how he has been privy to many of your experiences and has walked in your memories. This has complicated matters. The two of you are already entangled in an intimate way that most people would not normally be. While it is not unheard of for masters and apprentices to get married, it is frowned upon by most of society due to the power relationship involved. The two of you need to work on redefining your relationship and start setting boundaries. You both need to know what you are consenting to in your relationship and where the line should be drawn. What you are both currently doing is not healthy for either of you."
In the end, the answer I had been given was neither a 'yes', nor a 'no', but a 'go and sort your problems out first'. It gave me a lot of things to think about.
"What if I get together with Big Brother?" I asked, just wanting to see how my Creator Father would reply.
"You need to think through what a marriage covenant is and what kind of commitment it involves. You need to remember that you are talking about living the rest of your life with your marriage partner. You also need to remember that your potential marriage partner is also my child. I want what is best for both of you. If you get married, there will be children involved. Those are innocent lives. Are you ready to take on the responsibility for a child?"
I sighed. Why was life so hard?
"Then can you help me with all the trauma, the nightmares and the pain?" I asked the Creator.
"For this, be brave. You must face your memories and be bold enough to stand strong. You must accept the past, acknowledge the pain and then let it go. You must forgive those who hurt you and then reject any residual power they, through those memories, have over you. You must reject the power of those memories over your life and your choices or ability to live your life to the full."
Piece of cake. Not.
"What if I can't forgive?" I asked, thinking of the resentment I still had toward Shigure for leaving me with Mr Borges. Much as I think I loved him, I still held a few things against him. I resented Colborn and Lance for what they had done to me and Mr Borges for being too blind to realise. I hated Chad and Snake Eye. Although they were dead, the memories of them haunted me. I held a grudge against my parents, my family, my tribe and especially the tribal elders. I felt bitter about how the Forest Mother and Desert Father had hurt me, despite saying that I was their child and that they wanted to take care of me. How many times had I been injured by them being reckless? They blamed others for not being able to take care of me when they had been unable to keep me safe from nasty creatures like the apes or the merman or even from themselves. Then there was Flint, Mary Belle, Big Brother, Sarden, Mr Holt, the Director. There were the greedy enemies from overseas, the City Agent team who had abused me when I was helpless, and so, so many more.
Without realising, I had a grudge or grievance against nearly every single person I knew. Even Shigure whom I felt the safest with. The only close people I could think of with whom I didn't hold something against were Apricorn and Homeward Bound. And Doc. I had forgiven him whenever he hurt me because I knew he hadn't meant it and because he had been forced to hurt me.
The list grew longer, the more I thought about it.
"What if I don't forgive?" I asked the Creator, sitting up properly because he was exuding a very solemn aura.
"Then neither would I be able to forgive or bless you," the Creator said in a sad voice. His eyes were soft and pleading. "I won't be able to fully avenge you. I will lose the right to help you. The forgiveness will prevent me from legally being able to help you in many areas and block your prayers. The bitterness would only grow and fester in you with time and cause your wounds and spirit to rot. It would dry or eat up your bones like a malignant tumour and be a curse unto you."
"So I have to forgive," I sighed again, slightly regretting staying here to chat with the Creator. I didn't want to forgive.
But if not forgiving meant I wouldn't be able to rely on the Creator for help and meant that the Creator couldn't forgive me either, it meant that whether or not I wanted to do it, I had to want to do it and get it done.
Why was life so hard? I couldn't even be selfish in this?
"It is the Law. I cannot go against the Law, even if I wrote it," the Creator told me gently. "But I can promise you that if you forgive and genuinely forgive, you will truly be free from the past and all the trauma. And I, in return, will give you justice. I will avenge you for all the wrongs that have been heaped upon you. Many of those people who have hurt you in the past have died during the war already, but for those still alive, they will each receive their retribution. I am a vengeful father. Anyone who touches one of my little ones and offends them will meet the fury of my parental wrath. So do your best. I will be by your side and walk with you through it. You won't be alone. You will never be alone again. I will always be with you."
At that, I climbed up into His lap and hugged Him. I couldn't answer Him and He seemed to understand. He held me and hugged me back until I fell asleep.