I looked at Shigure in the bed beside mine. He was in a similar brain damaged state but he was flickering with determination to live. I could feel his spirit yearning to reach out to me.
Reaching out, I touched him and heard his spirit clamour with the joy of recognition. It took him a moment before he could speak. I had to nudge him toward the right channel. He sounded very weak.
*"Uki-chan, you made it,"* he said. *"You can't stay in this state. Your body will die. You have to go back. It'll hurt. It's scary and it'll be hard, but you can do it. We're going to live, you and I. We're going to survive this."*
I reached a hand to his lower body and both men gasped with shock.
*"Uki-chan, what are you doing? Stop that!"*
*"Kim Na, what are you doing?"*
I grasped hold of a few semen swimmers and pulled them out of Shigure, making him groan. Then I implanted them in my womb, to fertilise one of my eggs.
I broke off all the old connections of the people who had done it with me before. The connections were mostly broken stubs. Almost all of them were dead. Mr Borges had a flickering line - it looked like he was severely unwell or injured and on the verge of death.I wanted to break off his connection too, but what if that killed him? I didn't want to dwell on it. His brother's line was alive and well. A pity. I would have hoped that the war had killed him too. Doc was gone. I didn't know when he had died, but I hoped he was at peace now.
I tried to artificially connect Shigure with me. We didn't have to do the deed of it disgusted him, but I wanted that connection with him. I undid whatever ability I had unknowingly used to close my womb so that I couldn't get pregnant, so that I could make a viable embryo.
*"I'm going to have your baby, Shigure,"* I announced in a fierce voice. *"I dare you to die without meeting our baby."*
*"Uki-chan,"* said Shigure in a strained voice that sounded like he was face-palming. *"It doesn't work like this. Things don't work like this. This isn't how proposals, marriage and confessions of love are supposed to happen. Not to mention that I'm your…"*
*"Doesn't matter,"* I interrupted, feeling like my heart was on fire. *"All my life, I've been controlled by others and told what to do. Let me do what I want and be selfish this once. Just this once. Even if I never wake up properly again or function as a normal person, even if you are never able to get up again, at least a part of us will live on."*
I released an irritated huff.
*"Life was only just getting better after you found me. Then everything happened and ruined it all. I'm so mad. So frustrated. I was so close and yet so far. It doesn't feel fair. Why can't I want something for myself for once? Can't I? You're the nicest person I've ever met who actually cared about me as a whole. You've done so much for me, so please, please allow me this, and I'm sorry."*
I laid a hand on Shigure's head and spoke a word of power. His body jerked and was then still. I had locked him into his body for the moment so that he would be unable to stop me. Another word and then I guided his blood vessels, brain cells and body cells to heal and regenerate. I called on that ancient power from on high and spoke healing into him. I hadn't been sure it would work. I was so happy that it did. I was pleased.
Look, his left eye was reforming. How wonderful. He wouldn't have to be so self-conscious about being half blind. Nor would he have to walk into doorways like he had in the prisoner of war hall.
*"You get better,"* I told Shigure. I'd have healed myself as well, but couldn't muster up any more energy. I'd have to wait for Shigure to get better.. *"Be whole. I'll be waiting for you."*
And then I suddenly felt drained. Exhausted. Seeing his body undergoing the accelerated healing, I was sure he'd find a way to help me when he was better. I felt all droopy and wilted. Just as well I was going to have a long sleep.
Under Homeward's wide eyed and incredulous gaze, I stood to stare at my body with a heavy weariness. The artificial attachment of Shigure to me had failed. It had been worth a try anyway. Checking my womb, I was disappointed to discover that the egg hadn't been fertilised and the embryo had not taken form. It just wouldn't take. He'd been right. Things just don't happen this way.
*"I'm such a failure,"* I told Homeward Bound, who looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words for it just then. *"There isn't going to be a baby after all. Maybe one day? In the future? Will Shigure hate me for not listening to him? I still want to have his baby one day. It's a pity."*
*"Are you crazy? How are you a failure?"* Homeward Bound blurted out, still looking incredulous. *"You're amazing. Impossible. Nobody has ever been able to do what you just - you've healed Shigure, you know? The doctors said it'd be impossible for either of you to get better."*
*"Yeah,"* I sighed. *"He'll probably be able to get up in a few days. A pity I can't do more. I'm so useless."* I climbed back into my body with a grimace. The pain exploded in intensity as I lay down and closed my eyes. *"Homeward, please tell them to give me some painkillers. This really hurts. My head hurts so much…"*
And then I was gone. Everything shut down while my body focussed on healing. I saw nothing, heard nothing, thought nothing. I didn't even dream.
I heard and felt Shigure's words of power spoken over me at some stage. That partially roused me, but then I went back to sleep. I guessed he was trying to do what I had done for him. I was glad he was better.
I caught glimpses of things. It was as if I had come up for air and then was falling back into the depths of the sea.
Shigure sitting up in bed. Shigure reading. Shigure sitting by my bed. Shigure walking around the room with assistance.
The white hospital room became another more homey kind of room. Director Worth visited. Big Brother. Mr Holt. Apricorn. Other friends. One time, I found myself sitting in a pleasant garden in a rocking chair. It had made me smile.
My parents and siblings. Their faces flitted by. I hoped they were doing well. Better than before now that the tribes wasn't trying to tear them down anymore. I hoped I had helped make their life a little better.
Shigure was back. He or Homeward Bound were constantly at my side taking care of me. If not them, then Apricorn was. I caught a glimpse of Apricorn in a wedding dress, holding Homeward's hand. That was a surprise. So was the baby in Apricorn's arms when I next saw them again.