I'm falling so hard for you.
I'm falling so hard for you.
I'm falling so hard for you.
Sleep escaped Montag's head. He lay on his bed spooning Alex and listening to his breathing and snores. Underneath the scent of his soap and shampoo he still could sense the sweetness of honey and oats and it comforted him. Alex was falling in love with him, he told him so. Everything he advised against was happening. They were a couple of idiots thinking it wasn't going to happen, pretending Alex was grown enough to control his feelings. Montag should've known better. He should've stopped it before.
Now he was attached. He was attached to Alex's kisses, he was attached to his laugh, he was attached to his voice, to the way he blurted out random facts, to the way he blushed at the slightest provocation. Montag was losing his mind. He didn't want to hurt Alex, but he also didn't want to give him up.
I'm allowed to be greedy at least once.
Life had never been fair to him. Montag had to fight tooth and nail for stuff that other people took for granted. He never had anything stable. For once in his life, he desired something enough to be selfish about it.
The crook of Alex's neck was tempting him and Montag buried his face there, surrounding himself with the scent of his lover, denying the fact that, outside his bed, everything was going to shit. He was going to break that sweet angel's heart and he'll never forgive himself for it.
At least for now, they were together. Montag knew that he had to show Alex everyday how much he mattered, enough to keep him happy and satisfied. When the time comes for Alex to find out that Montag was incapable of feeling love and he grew tired of waiting for him to return his feelings, it's when he'll be worried. Alex moaned softly when he nibbled the soft skin on his nape. He squirmed and pushed his ass back, making full contact with Montag's dick, already awake.
"Love? Go back to sleep"
Montag's heart wasn't ready to listen to Alex with his sleepy voice uttering such endearing words. He wrapped him in his arms and pulled him closer. His cock was demanding attention, but Montag knew his puppy needed rest.
"I wanted to hug you"
"Uh-huh. I'll let it slide because I love you so much"
Alex was definitely sleep talking but that didn't stop Montag from stiffening, his body automatically rejecting those words. He wanted to leave the bed and walk around to process his confusion.
You can't love me, sweet. I don't deserve to be loved.
"How can you love me when I hate myself?" he whispered against Alex's shoulder.
Feeling repulsed with himself and the damage he was doing to Alex, Montag got up and wandered his room. The restlessness was overwhelming. He walked to his kitchen and grabbed the pack of cigarettes he kept for emergencies. Before managing to light one up he looked at his bed and saw Alex's resting baby face. He cursed and got dressed before leaving the apartment to smoke on the porch.
The next morning his neck was killing him. Montag had fallen asleep on the couch after smoking almost half the package while losing himself in the self-deprecating pit of his mind. He was a monster and he was going to destroy Alex's life just like he had destroyed his mother's.
"I'm here if you need to talk"
He jumped out of the couch and turned to look at his bed. Alex had his gaze locked on the floor, his eyelashes wet and his nose red. Montag wasn't aware of him being awake, much less heard him cry. His life was a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. Not even a day and he was already hurting Alex.
"I reek of smoke. Let me take a shower and we'll talk"
"Okay"
How he hated short answers coming from Alex's mouth. His puppy was always bubbly, exuberant and talkative; he always went above and beyond with his words to the point of being too much sometimes. Montag knew it was a direct consequence of his shitty behaviour. Putting himself on Alex's shoes he could see how horrible it all looked. Alex gave his whole self to him and in turn he chain-smoked and slept on the couch. The moment his lover needed him the most he wasn't there.
His bed was already made when he walked out of the bathroom. Alex was sitting on the couch fidgeting and squirming. He'd dressed himself with the clothes he was wearing the day before and had his backpack on his lap. Montag realised he was going to leave and a sense of urgency overcame him.
"Please don't go"
"Why wouldn't I? You couldn't even sleep next to me. I'm just waiting for you to talk because I offered my help and I like to keep my word" the bitterness in his words convinced him to let him go.
"You don't have to listen to me, baby. If you don't want to be here you don't have to force yourself to stand my presence. You're my boyfriend not my therapist"
"For god's sake, Montag!"
The tears flowed freely from Alex's eyes and Montag's heart broke into little pieces watching him cry so desperately. He brought him nothing but misery and his beautiful soul was being corrupted by his darkness. Alex sat on the floor and hugged his knees, his body possessed by his sobs. Montag knelt at his side and wrapped him in his arms.
"I don't deserve your tears"
"I know why you are the way you are. I know you've never had anyone and you isolated yourself and renounce any type of feeling because you're convinced that you're worthless" He cleared his throat and sniffled "I'm not just a body you can fuck and cuddle. I'm also here to support you when you're feeling lost. I want you to share your burdens with me"
"No"
"Do you know how insulting it was to wake up alone? to see you asleep on the couch smelling like an ashtray? My anxious brain immediately went into overdrive imagining countless explanations and in each one of them you left me because you were disgusted or you left me because, as Andrea said, you only wanted to fuck me."
"I would never"
"I know! You would never, because you're so kind and so lovely. You listen to me; you make me happy. Even when we were bickering and we didn't like each other, you made sure I was safe and you stayed by my side during my lowest moments"
Montag had his eyes closed and his head rested against Alex's shoulder. He didn't want to let go, he wished he could glue his arms around him so that his baby would never leave him. A gentle kiss made him open his eyes and he saw Alex's red-rimmed eyes, staring directly at his own.
"Alex, I-"
"How can someone so giving and generous be so hard on himself? How can you be so willing to let people out? I already know your darkest secrets, let me comfort you. I've been going insane begging you to let me in. Talk to me. Tell me about your doubts, treat me as your equal and not as a porcelain that will break"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You're already hurting me by shutting me out."
"I've never been in love" he whispered desperately "What if you fall in love with me and I can't reciprocate your feelings?"
"What if? You think that is going to automatically damage all the beautiful moments we've had?"
"You say that now but you're gonna want it to happen eventually"
"And if that happens then it's my fucking problem, Montag. Stop trying to be responsible for my feelings. Let us live this relationship to the fullest, don't deny us the chance to be happy."
Montag sighed and squeezed his lover tightly. He didn't want to be alone anymore. The idea of Alex leaving was unfathomable. He knew now that Alex wasn't going to stop falling in love with him. He always thought he liked how freely Alex experienced his feelings and that included his ability to love. Expecting him to turn it off like a robot was preposterous. Montag reconciled with the fact that Alex and his feelings were a whole package and he couldn't have one without the other.
"I can't promise you a smooth ride, but I'm gonna do everything in my hands to not sabotage our relationship out of fear"
"That's enough for me" He turned in his arms and held his face in his hands "I promise to always be here for you. I won't pressure you to have feelings for me"