Akeno watched the rest of the Peerage leave the little clearing with a frown as she set about cleaning up.
Rias was consoling her new Bishop quietly as they left. Asia was particularly distraught over her failure to heal Eren despite only meeting him today.
Akeno was sad but unsurprised that even Twilight Healing, one of the best healing Gears out there, couldn't help. There had been hope, but not a lot of it.
Seeing Eren trying to interact with the naive and kind Asia had been funny, though.
The Queen got the feeling that Eren was not used to dealing with people who were genuinely that kind, as opposed to faking it as Akeno, and to a lesser extent, Yuuto did.
"What's wrong with her," Eren asked bluntly as Akeno gathered the plates and silverware they had used for their lunch. It had only been a few hours, during which they had Asia subtly try and heal the blind boy.
"Asia is a dear," Akeno lightly chastised with a chuckle. "She really was trying to help."
"I know none of you believe in that 'miracle healing' shit. I am not just going to be healed suddenly because of a religious prayer. That's not how reality works."
Well, as 'subtle' as they could be.
The official excuse was that Asia, a new student at the school and club member, had been a nun and 'faith healer' before moving here. Rias claimed it was 'worth a shot,' and despite his doubts, Eren had gone along after they all urged him to. Nothing they said was technically a lie, so even Eren, with his almost supernatural bullshit radar, hadn't caught on.
Nothing had happened.
Koneko reported no change to his life force as it continued to dwindle. Nor had his eyes healed, his strength returned, or any indication of the healing having taken place.
Akeno was seriously starting to suspect Eren wasn't simply sick but under some divine-level curse.
Only the complete absence of any magic or power around him prevented that notion. They had been around him long enough that they would have noticed even the faintest trace if it was there.
If it had worked, or at least healed the side effects, like his eyes, it would have been a perfect time to introduce him to the world of devils, magic, and so on.
Rias had a whole speech planned and everything despite considering it to be a long shot. Akeno had seen her practicing it in front of a mirror.
It mostly boiled down to, 'I am a super powerful devil heiress trying to heal you. Please don't die. And if you do die, please let me bring you back. Yadda yadda, power of friendship, yadda yadda, anime protagonist, yadda yadda, JoJo.'
It had been quite cute, even if Rias had referenced the manga, she read to Eren a bit too much, in Akeno's opinion.
Shame she didn't get to use it.
"Is it so hard to believe she simply wanted to help you?" Akeno reprimanded him again as she continued her work. "Asia is a very kind girl. She sincerely believed she should have been able to help you."
"I believe she believes," Eren answered. "But belief does not save people. Belief does not fill hungry stomachs. Belief will not kill your enemies. People do. I have seen people of faith before, and I can't stand them. 'Flock' is but another word for livestock."
Akeno didn't bother to hide a smile, knowing the blind boy couldn't see it.
Eren was sometimes more devil-like than any of them.
"If medicine doesn't work, other options should be considered. Who knows what's out there? A miracle could happen."
"I know what's out there," Eren answered plainly. "And no miracle will stop my death."
Akeno's smile faded back to a frown. Eren didn't know about magic or the supernatural, so he would understandably hold that view. But the Queen was tired of his cavalier attitude towards his impending demise.
The conversation lapsed as Akeno fished up, storing the blanket. She put the leftovers in containers for Eren to take home later.
"What's bothering you?"
"What do you mean?" Akeno asked a sudden question.
"You're quiet. You've been quiet the last few days, and so has Rias. You didn't even tease Asia and Issei today."
Akeno snorted a small, unladylike laugh.
Eren was blind and only met the nun for a few hours today, but even he could tell the girl's crush on the perverted boy.
Then again, Asia could do a lot worse.
Despite his perversion, Issei was the Red Dragon Emperor of the generation. Even if he was the weakest holder of Ddraig ever, that would still put him firmly in the Ultimate Class once he grew a bit.
On top of that, the boy was unbelievably sweet to the girl.
As in, his friends and the school would literally not believe their eyes if they saw it.
Not only had Issei largely kept Asia out of his perverted antics, but he had stood up for her and defended her against the fallen when they came to reclaim her.
Asia had tried to sacrifice herself to get them to leave him alone, but Issei had managed to awaken his Gear in time to fend them off, combined with his Rook strength and durability. He had held them off long enough for Rias and Akeno to arrive and help finish them.
Their aid and desire to stay with Issei had been enough for Asia to approach Rias about her open offer to join the Peerage.
It was an adorable story, like one of Rias' anime.
A not-so-small part of the Queen also liked the idea of the fallen being some two-bit mook in the story. Characters killed off in the first season to establish a romantic interest.
Akeno would be genuinely happy for the pair if they ended up together.
At least some people deserve to find love.
"Are you going to answer my question or sit there and sigh all day," Eren asked, tapping his cane on the ground impatiently.
"It's not my secret to tell," Akeno eventually said.
"Rias' then," Eren nodded. Akeno smiled wryly as she once more reaffirmed how sharp the boy could be. "Something to do with her family? She's been complaining about them a lot more than usual."
"It does," Akeno acknowledged but didn't provide any details.
If Rias didn't share, she wouldn't either.
"And since she hasn't told me, she doesn't think I can help with whatever it is," Eren sighed.
"It is something none of us can help with," Akeno said lightly.
No. That wasn't true.
They all could help. They could and would fight Riser in a Rating Game.
That was where this was leading, after all. It was a transparent ploy Akeno, and her King could see coming a mile away.
Rias' family was pushing the engagement forward, despite their promises to wait till she graduated, because they feared her new Peerage members.
The Red Dragon and its hosts had killed numerous members of the Phenex clan in the past, and giving Issei time to grow was a surefire way to ensure Rias was strong enough to get out of the deal by the time the original deadline arrived.
They had been content to let Rias finish her schooling, confident that the rebelliousness of youth would wear out as she grew and came to accept their decision. There had been no binding agreement for that promise, so nothing stopped them from deciding to change the date on a whim except their genuine care for their daughter and desire to have her see things their way.
The Boosted Gear changed everything.
A King with a fully realized Red Dragon Emperor in their peerage could dictate whatever they wanted in devil politics.
Someone disagrees with them, like, say about their marriage? Challenge them to a Rating Game.
That was how central the games had become to devil life.
It would be like a Satan suddenly being allowed to participate in Rating Games. Entire political careers had been built on the Rating Games.
Once Issei had a few years of experience under his belt, the Gremory would have no control over Rias. She could go centuries without marriage if she wanted, and nothing they could do would stop her. She'd just challenge her own parents to a game. It wouldn't be the first time factionalism formed within a Pillar house.
And that would ruin the Gremory.
For devils, with their abysmal birthrates, starting young wasn't just recommended. It was almost a requirement.
Just looking at Rias' parents proved it. Despite being a very loving couple over a thousand years old, they only had two children born centuries apart.
It was one of the reasons arranged marriages were so common, to ensure devils had at least one child before they inevitably did something that got them killed. When you are one of three parties in the greatest war ever fought, you need to keep up the numbers.
Especially if you are a devil with a bloodline.
For Rias, who had the Power of Destruction, one of the most coveted bloodlines in the underworld, the idea that she wouldn't have a child for centuries or millennia was terrifying for the remaining Pillar families. Already, they were being outnumbered by reincarnated devils ten thousand to one.
Rias's parents cared for her and loved her. They really did. They were kind to her, spoiled her, and took her Peerage in as family.
But they also had a duty to see that the remaining 31 Pillar houses did not shrink further. They still loved each other and had been in an arranged marriage when they were young. They did not understand her reluctance, but they were out of time to try and convince her.
So they pushed and pushed and pushed.
And now, pushing was no longer enough.
Instead of nagging, they were being more overt. Forget letting Rias graduate college. They wouldn't even let her graduate high school.
That was how terrifying a Boosted Gear holder was.
There was only one thing Rias could do now. The one recourse all High-class devils had.
A Rating Game.
Everyone knew it. The question was how long Rias could delay it. To give the Peerage more time. There were other more desperate ploys, but that was the only one that was sure to stop the marriage and not lead her into disgrace.
Right now, the entire Peerage was strong. Rias' added practice in order to grow strong enough to reincarnate Eren had spurred on the growth of the rest.
Akeno had no doubt that even without Issei or Asia, the four of them would absolutely decimate Riser's little 'harem.'
But Riser himself?
And his sister?
None of them were strong enough to ensure they'd be able to beat him enough to force him to retire. Especially not if they had to deal with his Peerage as well. Even if Rias could beat him a dozen times, it didn't matter if he healed two dozen times.
The extra power and training gave them a chance, but it was increadibly small.
If only...
"You're lying."
"Hm?" Akeno asked, having fallen into deep thought once more.
"You're lying," Eren repeated, fully frowning. "I know your bullshit when I hear it. There's something we, or at least you, can help her with, isn't there?"
"Yes," Akeno admitted with a cavalier shrug of her own. What was the harm in admitting that? Eren already knew she was a rotten, terrible woman. "There is something I could do to help my best friend. But I won't."
Safe in the knowledge that Eren couldn't see them, Akeno let her wings free.
One of them was bat-like, leathery and angular. The wings of a Devil.
The other was larger. Black as night, with soft feathers that glittered in the sun like polished obsidian.
The wings of a fallen angel.
As with every time she saw that... thing, accursed proof of what she was, Akeno could not stop her hands.
Blood flowed across her fingers as she tore fistfuls of feathers from her flesh.
The pain was an old friend.
"Why not?" Eren asked in that empty voice of his. There was no judgement in his voice but no curiosity either. Akeno didn't know what he was feeling.
All she was feeling was the familiar sting of self-disgust.
"Because I am a terrible person," Akeno said airily like she was talking about the weather, as she tore another handful of soft feathers from her wing. She was not gentle. They floated to the ground, slick with blood. "I would rather let my best friend, my sister in all but blood, be consigned to a terrible fate because I cannot stand the idea of using anything from that man. Because I am the worst woman to ever live."
"No. You are not."
"I am," Akeno laughed hollowly—another fistful. The wing was gaining bald spots now. From experience, Akeno knew she wouldn't stop until it was completely bare flesh with no feather in sight. Until there was no proof of what she was. "I am a terrible woman. The worst, vilest creature to exist. I am my father's daughter."
"The parents' crimes should never be passed onto their children," Eren sighed, unseeing the self-mutilation happening on the bench beside him. "I cannot claim to not hate people due to their ancestors or where they were born, but children are guiltless. Simply casualties in the wars and sins of grown-ups. Whatever your father did is not your fault, no matter what people have told you."
"I hate him," Akeno bit out, glaring at the boy. "I hate him. He wasn't there. My mom died because he wasn't there to protect her."
"I don't know the circumstance, so I can't say if it was or wasn't his fault," Eren shrugged.
Sometimes, Akeno absolutely despised how blase he could be. As if every story he was told was one he had heard before.
"He should have been there!" Akeno insisted, voice rising despite Eren's serenity.
"All I will say is that a husband not knowing his wife is in danger doesn't make her death his fault. Even if he could have stopped it if he were there. He didn't kill her."
There was something there.
Under the cavalier attitude and blank voice, there was something Eren was hiding. It was only because she knew him so well that Akeno could notice.
It was what prompted the next words.
"He didn't," Akeno laughed bitterly, tears of anger, loathing, and resentment filled her eyes. "I did."
Eren froze.
"What?"
"I killed her," Akeno repeated, the words falling out of her. Years of built-up guilt and disgust burst out of her. "They came for her because of me. Because she married my father and had me. They killed her because she wouldn't give me up."
At her core, Akeno was a rotten woman who hated herself more than she hated the fallen or Baraqiel.
It was her fault her mother was murdered.
Her existence had pushed the clans to send their assassins after the family while her father was away. If her parents had simply been wed and never had a child, Shuri Himejima would still have been an outcast, but she would have lived. The taint on their legacy, the mixing of 'sacred' blood with that of the fallen, had caused her death.
And now?
Now, Akeno could help Rias if she was willing to use her unique heritage.
Holy Lightning.
Baraqiel's signature ability.
It would counter Phenex's regeneration and practically guarantee their victory and Rias' freedom, turning a ten percent chance at victory into a ninety percent.
Yet every time Akeno tried to pull up that part of herself, tried to will even the tiniest of sacred energy into her electricity, all she could think of was her mother's murder, of her dying face, and the guilt would sap everything from her.
Akeno could still hear the blades entering flesh, the scream of pain, the urging of her dying mother.
Begging her to run.
To live.
In her nightmares, she was still on the streets of Japan. Barely surviving as her mother's last words rang out over and over and over in her mind.
Those were the better ones.
Others were just a repeat of the event. No changes. No embellishments.
Shuri Himejima never blamed Akeno, not even in her dreams.
The worst of the dreams was when Akeno saw what could have been. The 'what if' of her parent's lives if she had never been born.
They were happy. A loving couple living out a quiet life of seclusion.
A happy life without her.
Akeno would never use Holy Lightning. She could never use it.
Rias never forced her to or even asked her to, even after all this time. Even if it would solve her problem.
Akeno loved Rias as much as she hated herself.
Hated how her continued existence ruined the lives of those around her.
Truly, "Akeno Himejima should never have been born."
...
The punch came out of nowhere, so lost was the hybrid in her self-hatred and guilt.
Akeno flew off the bench, tumbling to the ground below, wings splayed in the dirt.
"Don't say that!" Eren shouted at her. "Don't you dare say that!"
He was standing, Akeno thought in a daze of shock.
He was off the bench.
For some reason, that fact shocked her more than the punch.
"Don't you ever say that again!"
Eren's face, the part not covered in bandages, was twisted in a snarl of fury. The greatest show of emotion Akeno had ever seen on his face.
"Just when I think you can't piss me off anymore, you go and spew this crap," Eren snarled.
His cane tapped hard on her leg to find her, and he bent down, grabbing the stunned girl by her shirt. The cane fell to the ground as he used both hands to hold her in place, a few inches from his face.
"Listen here, you pathetic woman," he growled, practically spitting on her in his intensity. "I don't care about any guilt you feel, how much you hate yourself, or whatever pathetic excuse you have for those words. That crap only matters to you. We're all guilty. But never, and I mean never, say you shouldn't have been born!"
Eren punched her in the face again.
Akeno could have dodged it.
She didn't.
Akeno fell again as Eren continued to yell.
"No matter who you are, what you are, what you do, who you kill or don't. None of that crap matters. It didn't matter to your mom. It might not matter to your dad. It doesn't matter to Rias. I certainly don't give a shit. But no matter what, there is one thing that does."
Ah.
That face. That rage. Had that always been there?
Hiding under a man beaten by the world?
Had Eren always been... this?
"We all deserve to be born," Eren snarled, smashing a fist to his heart in emphasis. "We all deserve to be free to live. That is the only thing owed to everyone in this shitty world. We all deserve that just for being born into this world. Our sole birthright. Even you, the rotten woman that you are."
The shouting, the rage, seemed to leave him then as Eren sagged, almost collapsing back to the bench.
For a long second, Akeno lay on the ground, utterly shocked.
Her hand rose to her cheek where she had been punched. Twice.
It didn't hurt.
Eren was human and sickly on top of that. As well as being born half-fallen, Akeno was a Queen of a devil Peerage. Queen's didn't get the total bonus to toughness as Rooks, but they got a part.
It had been momentum more than force or pain that had caused her falls.
"I don't know if your mom died because of you or not," Eren admitted, panting for breath after the exertion. "You didn't kill her. Others did. So get that stupid idea out of your head. If you can't or don't want to use whatever has to do with your father to help Rias, fine. If she needs you to, she'll ask herself. But if I ever hear that Akeno Himejima shouldn't have been born, I will punch you again. And I don't think I'll stop."
He was serious, Akeno realized. He really would try to beat her up if she said that again.
Akeno couldn't help it.
She laughed.
She laughed and laughed and laughed and cried.
Akeno cried in the dirt, wings splayed wide for the world to see as tears streamed down her face.
No hug. Not a single kind word.
This wasn't some romantic gesture of acceptance. This wasn't Eren acknowledging Akeno for being Akeno, comforting her with the knowledge that he saw her as her instead of her race or heritage.
Eren didn't know about fallen angels, about Baraqiel and the sacred clans of Japan. He had no idea that Akeno could fry him before he could even throw a punch.
And Akeno was sure that even if he did, he'd still punch her.
It was so... Eren that she couldn't help but laugh.
"Ufufufufu," Akeno chortled, getting to her feet and wiping herself down. She also put her wings away, glad the older boy hadn't noticed. She wiped her tears as she took a seat on the bench. "What a brute. To hurt a delicate lady such as myself." Eren snorted. "Still, if I remember correctly, I did promise you a reward if you could punch me. What do you say? Want to help me explore my M side?"
Eren sighed, but Akeno was happy to notice it was a familiar one of fond exasperation instead of anger or disgust.
"I wasn't lying, you know," Akeno admitted softly as she pulled a twig from her hair. "It really was because of me that my mother was killed. That isn't hyperbole but fact. I couldn't have stopped it, but she would still be alive today if I had never been born."
"That doesn't change that nobody's birth is a sin," Eren answered just as softly. "No matter what you are or what you become. We all have the right to be born. To live free."
"What do I do then?" Akeno asked helplessly as she collapsed onto the bench beside him. "With the guilt? With these memories?"
"The only thing you can," Eren shrugged. "You live with them. How you live is up to you, but that doesn't change what happened. So you carry it as you move forward."
"You make it sound easy." Akeno could admit her voice sounded petulant even to her.
"It isn't."
Eren paused as if giving his following words careful thought.
Then he sighed and tilted his face to the sky.
"I killed my parents."
"What?" Akeno asked, the statement coming out of left field. "I thought you were an orphan."
"I am," Eren acknowledged. "That doesn't change that I killed them. I don't mean that they died protecting me or anything like that. I mean, I, myself, killed them. Nobody else."
"Did you... hate them?" Akeno asked, wondering if it had been revenge for leaving him on that church's stoop.
"No," Eren shook his head. "I loved them. Dearly. And they loved me. Wanted the best for me. Worried about me and cared about me. And yet I still killed them."
"Why?"
Akeno could see it in her mind. Eren, maybe a young teen, tracking down his parents to demand the truth. Finding them and finding out they had some reason to leave him at that church. A reunion filled with emotions, maybe even a hint of that rage she saw. But then love. Acceptance. Perhaps Eren had been happy.
For a time.
"With my father, it was an accident. Completely unintentional. He knew it would happen and chose to let me do it anyway. That's how much he loved me. But my mom..."
Akeno noticed the slight dampness of the bandages over Eren's eyes but didn't comment. Nor about the thickness in his voice or his clenched fists.
"I killed my mom. Directly. On purpose. Knowing who she was, what I was doing, and what it would lead to. No matter how much I loved her."
Eren paused, teeth gritt tight enough that Akeno could hear them as his hands tightened on his cane.
"Her last words to me were, 'Don't go.' I don't know if she didn't want to die alone, wanted someone to save her, or wished to see her son one last time. I will never know. I still remember her face as I killed her. The fear. The pain. I will never forget that sight."
That... Shuri's last words had been the complete opposite.
Run, Akeno. Run and live. Please live.
"When I say you will carry the guilt for the rest of your life, I speak from experience," Eren's voice was as heavy as it had ever been. This was a confession to a friend. For all that he claimed that Akeno angered him, Eren would not be confiding in her this terrible secret if he didn't want to reassure her in some small way. To tell her she wasn't alone in her guilt. "Not a moment goes by where I do not feel guilty for all I've done."
"Then why did you do it?" Akeno couldn't help but ask. "Why did you kill her?"
"Because it was necessary," Eren answered immediately with a gasp that choked a sob. "Because it saved the life of a child that I hated. Because I chose a few friends, the future I wanted, over the mother I loved. Because Carla Yeager's death was the start of it all, and it needed to happen if I was to move forward."
"That's it," Akeno said as she held a hand in front of her face. It was slick with bloody dirt, and a half-torn feather was caught in her nails. "Just move forward, no matter how much it hurts? That's terrible advice."
"It's the only advice I have," Eren shrugged, the emotions of the moment bleeding out of him into that familiar weariness. "I can't see your future. Or Rias'. I have no idea what problems you will face or are facing right now. I'll die soon, but I hope you won't. I hope you all lead long, happy lives. To do that, you need to walk forward. Guilt. Fear. Regret. You will carry them with you all your life, but you must continue on. One step at a time. No matter what."
For some reason, her own anger flared at his words. An emotion joining the guilt, the pain, and the self-disgust.
"You don't get to die," Akeno shook her head as she stared at the dirty blood in her hand. "Souna, Rias, Koneko, Yuuto, and I won't let you. Even Issei and Asia won't once you get to know them better. After everything you just told me, you don't get to go off and die. If I have to live with the guilt, so do you."
"I told you," Eren sighed. "I will die alone."
He said it with the certainty of a prophecy, a fact that would come true no matter what.
"No, you won't," Akeno denied fervently. She clenched her fists. "You said you couldn't see the future. I'll let you know I come from a long line of Miko, so I will make a prediction right now. Eren Yeager will live a long, happy life. Just you wait."
Eren clearly didn't believe her, but Akeno didn't care. As he had told her earlier, that was his problem, not hers.
If Akeno Himejima deserved to live, then so did Eren Yeager. If he was going to be selfish, so was she.
Even if he was a mass murderer who killed his parents, a terrible person, that didn't change who she was. Akeno was a rotten woman to her core.
Akeno wasn't going to let anyone else be taken from her.
Even if it meant dirtying herself further.
The blood and feather disintegrated in a quiet crackle of divine lightning. The tiniest of sparks darkened her flesh and stung with pain.
Rias was trusting her. Yuuto and Koneko were trusting her. Even Issei and Asia trusted her, looked up, and went to her for guidance. She could hate herself, but she could not let them down. She needed to be there when they needed her.
Akeno couldn't be Baraqiel.
The trauma was still there. The self-loathing, hatred, guilt, and disgust still filled her. It wouldn't disappear with one conversation or affirmation of conviction.
If Akeno wanted the strength to keep hold of her family, she would need to face those emotions every day. Over and over again, for months, years, potentially for the rest of her life. It was a war of attrition against her own emotions.
She'd always carry that guilt. A part would always hate herself.
But Akeno took that first tiny step forward.
And that was enough, she realized. For now, that tiny, shuffling step was enough.
The worst woman in the world sat with the worst man, companions in culpability, in self-hatred, and in pain.
Guilty? Innocent? It didn't matter in that moment.
They were alive.
They shared the same birthright as they sat together on the bench.