Hannah POV
It's been over a week since Mikkeli and most of the warriors left the pack.
We who stayed are locked. Because most manpower was sent to fight, the rest of the pack was forced to move to the packhouse because of security reasons. Only 15 warriors were left with Tony to ensure the safety of the remaining pack members; because of that, we all live in the packhouse, and we can't step outside too often.
The house has been specifically prepared for the battle with movement detectors around it, with locked and shielded windows looking now more like a bastion. Because all the families are here now, it's so crowded, almost eighty people live here, and because of that, we have to rearrange all our accommodation conditions.
That means, yet again, I share a room with my siblings in addition to Rose and Kyle this time. At least we still have our private bathroom since we got Mikkeli's room. It is a big help because Kyle has his morning sickness now all the time, not only in the morning. I'm concerned when I look at him he because he is so pale and tired, but his baby bump is now a little bit visible, and the way he smiles when he caresses it makes me hope for maybe a bright future for both of him and his baby.
Tony is now in charge of the pack as the Beta, but for some reason whatsoever, he decided to listen to me when I gave my input on the new organization of the pack. It's difficult to keep all these people in one place doing nothing but worrying about their loved ones who went to war; that's why discipline has to be maintained.
I made sure, with the help of Rose to assign everybody some tasks and not to organize them in groups; they won't be able to work even though the only thing they do right now is cleaning and cooking. All those times, I was stuck with my dad and then the rest of my family in our cabin because of winter and blizzards paid back.
I know how to organize work when you are stuck in one place, I know how you organize your time when you suddenly have so much of it, and I know how to entertain yourself with movies, reading nights, pillow fights, and other things you have to do when you just cannot go anywhere.
Because there are not enough wolves to maintain the patrolling of the whole territory, I convinced Tony to let the job also be done by females who are not warriors but mostly housewives. But they are quick and cautious, and they know the territory. They know that if they encounter any danger, their task is to withdraw immediately and notify the pack. It helped to reduce the workload of our remaining warriors.
The next thing was pack ranch, which is now kind of out of business, but still, all the animals have to be taken care so very limited manpower was delegated there, mostly older wolves.
The time when the children and pack members can go outside is also highly supervised, which means everyone has their turn and cannot leave the packhouse's garden, the schedule is tight, but I made sure that everyone has a chance to get some fresh air. Again my idea, Tony thought that the pack members should just swallow it and deal with it. Still, werewolves are just not creatures dealing well with being locked. Tony's mate was on my side with this. Their wolves need fresh air, even if only half an hour a day, especially children and teenagers.
The pack seems to develop a special attachment to the movie evenings; every night, we entertain ourselves with at least two movies to watch, which gives us a lot of chillouts. When in your reality, all you do is worry, it's good to stop thinking about it for at least a couple of hours every day.
I'm also talking; I feel as if I was talking all the time during the last week. I'm all time surrounded by werewolves, and all of them seem to need to talk.
I do enjoy talking with pack members, I feel they trust me, and I feel care. I care about all of them. It also helps my time to go by; it helps me not to think and miss Mikkeli every single second.
The strange thing is that somehow I feel him very close to me. I just know when he is sad, frustrated, or tired. I don't feel any good emotions from him recently, but at least I don't feel him being scared or in despair, so I presume all the fight is going well or at least according to the plan. It's as if our connection somehow gets stronger after our date, or to be more specific, after our last sex. I haven't talked about it with anyone yet. I don't want to worry them, but I wonder if it is because our bond intensified or if it is because of something else?
"You're all right?" I hear Tony speaking and turn around to look at him.
It's pretty late in the night, but I cannot sleep, so I'm sitting by the kitchen table sipping hot tea and enjoying a rare moment of silence. Everybody else except for patrol duties is in their beds.
"I can't sleep. Rosie was absolutely naughty today," I sigh.
"Strange, you are usually very capable of handling her."
"Well, it turns out now I'm not that good. She wanted Mikkeli for the whole day. Apparently, he's recently become more important than me."
Tony smiles at me, hearing my response, and sits next to me. I offer him some tea, and he eagerly accepts it. For a long moment, we just drink and say nothing.
"I must say, Hannah, that I am impressed. You managed to take care of the pack very effectively; for sure, you are ready to take charge as a Luna."
"I don't know if I will be a Luna..." I bite my lips. I'm not sure if I want to think about that possibility.
"Are you worried that Mikkeli doesn't want you? I can assure you that's not true. He wants you very much."
"It's not it; it's just that even though we keep getting closer, he still seems distant. I don't know why, but I think he's afraid. He's afraid of giving this relationship a real chance."
I see Tony getting a little bit tense; he's avoiding my eyes for a moment before he takes a deep breath and dares to look at me again.
"There are some things I think you should know. I'm not happy that I am the one who will tell you that, but I know Mikkeli, it will take him a long time to open up completely."
"What do you mean?" I ask, looking at him with hope.
I want to know more about Mikkeli; I want to understand what makes him so scared of loving me. And I think what I want now the most is for him to love me. When did this happen, when this Blackwood pack became my entire world? When did these people become my people? When did Mikkeli become the thing I care about the most?
"What do you know about Mikkeli's childhood?" Tony asks.
"That it wasn't fair; that his father neglected him, always put Hayden first. That he wanted to impress his dad more than anything, even though he wasn't worth being impressed at all." I say with venom in my voice.
I can't help it, I might have never met the previous Alpha, but for sure, he wasn't worthy ever to carry the title of Alpha of this pack.
"Mikkeli is my best friend since we both turned 6. I am the only child, my mother died when I was very small, and my dad loved me very much, but as a Head Warrior, he was always very busy, so I used to spend lots of time in the packhouse unsupervised by anybody. That's how Mikkeli and I got together because he too, was left unsupervised most of the time. He was always so hungry for affection and attention. His stepmother cared for him, but she had her problems being a wife of an asshole. Hayden was spoiled so much that for a long time, he didn't even realize how unfair his younger brother was treated, and other pack members didn't consider Mikkeli important enough to pay too much attention to him and his father... His father did many things to Mikkeli."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, feeling an awful cold sensation in my stomach.
"I'm talking about raising your child by always reminding him that he will never be good enough. That's how it was with Mikkeli; no matter what he had ever done, it wasn't ever good enough. I would say his father was almost sadistic about it. When Mikkeli burned his leg once we were seven and didn't tell anybody because he didn't want to be seen as weak, and it was noticed because he almost lost consciousness due to the pain, his father's only comment was: "if you were going to keep quiet about it you should have been quiet about it till the end you pathetic fool". " Tony's voice is so sad, but that's just the beginning.
"Or like when he made Mikkeli lick the spilled milk from the kitchen floor," he continues," or when he made him kneel with his hand raised for hours in front of his office as an apology for something, or making him stay all night in the rain because he got late for dinner when we were 11. And like not even once allowing him to be presented as his son when he had his guests. He loved to show off Hayden to his allies, but Mikkeli wasn't even allowed into the same room when the gathering was taking place. I can't count how many times I heard him telling Mikkeli that "he is nothing but disappointment". And his favorites: slaps in the face every time he decided that Mikkeli had done something disrespectful."
I stare at the table, clenching my fist; that's not how it's supposed to be; that's not how you bring the child up.
"You know, the first time I invited Mikkeli to spend the night in my house was for him like a trip to a different planet. He looked at my and my father's interactions as if we were some creatures from another dimension. Because hugging his son, playing games with his son, having small talk with his son, praising his son, all those things my dad did very often with me for Mikkeli were something foreign. "Yes Sir, no Sir, I'm sorry, Sir". These were the only sentences Mikkeli used in the presence of his father, and the biggest injustice was that between Hayden and Mikkeli, he was the one more fragile; he was the one who needed father more."
After that, there is a moment of silence as I let Tony's words sink into me, and he continues:
"Additional thing was his mother. The previous Alpha made sure to convince Mikkeli that he had been abandoned, that he had been given away. That his mother didn't want him, and only because his mighty father showed some mercy and pity towards him, he was not left to die somewhere in the woods. So Mikkeli had to be grateful that at least his father was merciful enough not to get rid of such a failure as a son. And Mikkeli believed it. Mikkeli was growing up believing that he couldn't show weakness no matter what because if he did, his father might have got rid of him".
"Why was it allowed that way? I mean, why did his father take him if he didn't want him?" I ask.
"I think because he cared too much about his reputation, or I could say about maintaining the appearance, and Mikkeli was born an alpha from an omega mother. It would have been impossible to hide his parentage from everybody. But I also think it was a kind of precaution. Just in case something happened to Hayden, he would have needed another heir. But honestly, I don't know; I don't know what made him so cruel and so selfish. He used to make it look like his pack was the most important thing for him, and yet he made so many people here miserable and unhappy," Tony's voice is sad. The smile he sends in my direction is sad too.
"The way the pack members treated Mikkeli was also a reflection of his father's actions. It wasn't personal. It wasn't that they didn't like Mikkeli, but they preferred to stay away from him because it was safer that way. Hayden had some influence on his father. People knew praising Hayden would make their Alpha happy, and happy Alpha means a happy pack. Mikkeli didn't have that kind of protection, he was an unimportant, illegitimate runt, and nothing more would ever be. My father knew about his birth mother, and he couldn't say anything because of Alpha's command. He was the person who first noticed Mikkeli's potential and was the first one to start teaching him and praising him, but even though Mikkeli loved my father very much, he still wanted his father to love him. And I still can't accept the fact that till the very end, he didn't get it. The worst were those two years after Hayden's mother had left. Hayden was out almost all the time with his friends or at his training, and Mikkeli was left alone with his father at home, who was drinking quite a lot during that time."
"But not because his wife left him" it's more of a statement than a question.
"No, because his wife humiliated him. Till the moment she left, all the dirt was always swept under the carpet. Our pack had the perfect reputation among the other packs. And suddenly, a marked Luna decided to desert her position, her perfect husband, and her perfect life. And breaking the bond between two marked werewolves is the last resort. She risked her own life to do it, she could have killed herself, and still, she decided to take that risk. So suddenly, there were questions about why she had done it."
I clench my fist tighter. For someone so proud like the previous Alpha, it must have been a strong blow. And someone so cruel as him, for sure, would look for a victim to relish his anger upon him or her.
"In addition, it was the act of defiance," Tony keeps talking," it was open disobedience towards the Alpha. It was as if she finally showed everyone how pathetic he really was. That made her husband furious; he kept drinking and losing control. And Mikkeli was the one who had to wash him, who had to drag his drinking ass to the bedroom every night, who had to clean his vomit and piss. And soon after, I started to notice a lot of bruising and broken lips, and the problem was Mikkeli believed that it was his duty as a son to endure. My father and I wanted him to move away to our house, but Mikkeli didn't want to desert his father and was afraid of leaving his mother and Kyle in the packhouse alone, so he didn't accept it. But what his father failed to see, and what pretty much everybody else failed to see, was how strong Mikkeli was. His first shift went unnoticed, only my father and I were there, but I remember that he was amazed at how strong Byron was, and he decided to train Mikkeli himself, and nobody opposed it. Alpha was already on his down-road spiral, and Jake didn't care, probably because he was so busy ruling the pack, taking under consideration that Alpha pretty much checked out of every one of his duties that time."
"Kyle told me how dangerous was the situation of lower-ranked members of the pack during this time."
"That's true; some higher-ups tried to help, they tried, but you can't do much when you're superior sees no problem. There was no control and discipline, and that encouraged those who were cruel or just bullies."
I can see his fist clenched; I understand how awful it must have been for him to live through all of this and couldn't do anything to make it better.
"And then happened the day with Cara's attack. It was pretty much the same as when Kyle was attacked. The only problem was that Mikkeli lost control; it was a bloodbath, like what happened with Andrew. They defended themselves, but they didn't stand a chance, not only because Mikkeli was so strong but also because he was already two years trained by my father. Nevertheless, I remember him in the infirmary after. All those cuts, and scratches, all those broken bones. He doesn't have any scars because his ability to heal is beyond amazing, and it all faded with time, but he was on the brink of death. And his father was suddenly on cloud nine, so proud of his strong son, so amazed with all the attention this incident made. But he failed to notice Mikkeli was hurt, he failed to notice that he was in pain, and he failed to notice how guilty he felt. And Mikkeli once again accepted that being merciless and strong is the only thing worth praising. After all, that's what made him be noticed, he stopped being the runt, and he started to be feared and respected. Sometime after that, Hayden suddenly decided to disappear; now I know that it was because of what happened between him and Maddie. And that's how Mikkeli finally got all the attention and the one thing he wanted the most, his father's acceptance and respect."
"But not his love," I say; again, it's a statement, not a question.
"I doubt his father was capable of loving anybody. Mikkeli got his father's time and approval, and I think that was the most he could get. After Hayden's return for a brief moment, everybody was curious if the brothers would fight against each other, but Hayden wasn't any longer interested in becoming an Alpha. He became weaker, and he stopped obeying his father, so the Alpha had given up on him and focused only on Mikkeli. But unlike Hayden, Mikkeli didn't take everything his father was suddenly trying to teach him as the final truth even though he was obeying him and felt proud of his father's acceptance. He was asking questions, he was making his own decisions, and it was very soon very clear that he wouldn't be ruling this place one day the same way his father did. And he had my support, Hayden's support, and most of the warriors' support. The pack followed Mikkeli also because he was the only one in the Alpha's family never to desert this place. The Alpha failed the pack, Luna left the pack, and Hayden disappeared. Suddenly it was only Mikkeli left here to pick up the pieces, and he was still the child, and yet not even for one moment, he had thought about running away too. He had time to teach himself how to be an Alpha, how to be the rightful and just leader, feared when necessary".
"But never soft," I send Tony a small smile.
"True, Mikkeli is not soft, he's also not very merciful either, and he has absolutely no sense of humor. But my point is that he has never learned how to be the mate, how to become somebody's other half. I'm sure he wants to open up to you, but he doesn't know how to do it. Till the moment you came, Mikkeli was proud that he was his father's son. After he found you, he started to fear that. He's afraid that he would be the mate his father was; he's afraid that he would hurt you, he'd disappoint you. I know he's afraid as hell of taking responsibility for the family, and that's what he will have to do when you two are officially mated. But he loves you, Hannah; that much is certain."
He reaches through the table and gently squeezes my hand, giving me his signature cheerful smile.
"May I ask you the question as you are the Beta of Blackwood pack?"
He nods, so I continue.
"Do you think I can do this? Do you think I can be Luna of this pack? After all, I am a human, and I wasn't raised here. I'm a stranger to this place and this world."
"And yet you embraced this new word with an open heart. You and your father took care of a wounded werewolf with two pups and gave her a home and love, although running away or killing her would have been a more reasonable choice. You were brought here against your will, and yet not even once seen us as monsters. You made this place your home and never demanded pity from any of us. You showed care and consideration, and I can see it, and I assure you that the pack sees it too. Why do you think everybody is so clingy toward you right now? Their Alpha has gone fighting, so their wolves seek comfort in their Luna. Now, enough of these painful stories to tell in the dark. You should go to sleep," he squeezes my hand one last time and stands up.
"Tony," I decide to speak when he is next to the door. He turns in my direction.
"I love him," I say. "I know that's what you want to ask me, and this is my answer. I do love Mikkeli."
The smile he sends in my direction is the brightest I have ever seen on him. I know I gave him the assurance he needed as a Beta and as Mikkeli's friend.