'Is this what death feels like? Finally, I can feel the same thing that that person went through.' I felt as if I was floating without a mass. With a feeling as if I was drowning in an endless sea. I felt my body becoming relaxed like a butterfly and heavy at the same time as if I was carrying a mountain. My body felt a little With a familiar feeling running through it, it made my heart remember a blurry image.
They were memories of the only person who could once again rebirth me only by losing his presence.
It was my first year of middle school, and also the first symptoms of my sick mother. At that time, everything around me suddenly changed and at the same time something frightening began to grow eagerly inside me. Something that always made me afraid of it.
I was small, weak in body, stupid to most people, and easy to manipulate...So many things were said to me that I can no longer fully count them as a child during those times. Even my older sister, my twin, was one of them. My close friends, my beautiful childhood friend, my father. They gradually started pointing out my faults with their rifles filled with sharp gunpowder without a sense of understanding.
"Marry me when we grow up. Oh, Ryota, with your mind, you are still younger than me and we are the same age. Don't you want to go to the same school with me and your older sister?" With a seductive, arrogant look as she sighed exhaustedly, the little girl with blond hair and blue eyes looked at her stupid childhood friend mockingly.
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Ryota, don't call me big sister in front of my friends, "Because of you, I'm so embarrassed. Ah, I forgot that you're stupid and won't understand," the perfect black-haired girl spoke with an annoyed and angry look, sighing at the boy who was still smiling in understanding without frustration.
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Ryouta, how about you lend me your Fen Yin, that's only if you don't...
"You didn't want me to talk badly about your sister in front of you." As he placed his hand on the weak and fragile shoulder of the middle school boy in the first-year uniform in front of him, the young man with a smiling look spoke threateningly.
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Oh, so you left your older sister alone there. So Ryota is my childhood friend. How about we go to your house to play? With beautiful yellow hair, a beautiful young man had a bright look and started walking towards the road in a selfish way. It was obvious that he was the brother of the black-haired young man's childhood friend behind him. Who wanted to exploit him.
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Everyone has been like this from the beginning, even within my unconscious dreams. With no feeling except for the feeling of their hearts, without consideration except for their desires, with no interest except for their reflection. Without giving you time to speak, without listening to your thoughts, without giving you psychological value, they began to trample on us as if we were an ant on the road that their eyes could not attract.
They hate our smell as if we were excrement on the side of the road, for reasons they cannot explain, even to themselves.
Everyone looks at you with disdain because of their big faces, everyone changes their outlook because of their long necks, everyone turns away from you because of your faults that you are not even the cause of.
With time, without knowing it, everyone began to put words that penetrate the hearts under their tongues..!;
At those times, I felt my heart making strange, loud noises. Gradually, something I did not know began to burn inside me like a fire. As if a blacksmith were hitting hot metal with his heavy hammer.
Every time I feel an explosive burning feeling inside my heart, I go straight to visit my mother in the hospital, even if her body becomes weak and pale, even if her skin becomes dry and begins to wrinkle, even if they put her on a respirator and she becomes unable to speak.
Even with all this, with the wind blowing lightly on the curtains, the placement of white and red flowers on the side, strangely inside my weak eyes, gave me a white glow like the sun in the darkness. Before my eyes at that moment, my older sister, my childhood friend, and all the beauties I had seen in this world appeared, like the flame of a candle about to go out in front of the huge sun that continued to burn.
I quietly took several weak steps forward towards her, looking at her sleeping appearance on the white bed, her gray hair that was starting to turn white, her pale skin wrinkled from inside the respirator, and the many small tubes stuck to her hands.
I showed a calm expression as I felt that the raging noise inside my heart had become calm like a lake. Gradually, the calm sea immediately became the form of tears falling from my black eyes.
At that moment, I knelt down without paying attention to the heavy school bag on my weak body. I reached out my trembling hand cautiously, as if I was afraid to stir the water, and held her pale, shiny hair under the light of the window overlooking the garden. I smelled his scent deeply and several drops of my tears suddenly fell on my mother's face.
I looked at her weak face similar to mine, hoping that she would suddenly wake up. ' when . ..When will I again be able to see those eyes that comfort me?' I will never forget that light that never lost its shine. That light that shines with honesty and truth
'I-I'm really weak, so pathetically weak compared to you.'
I spoke at that moment. That phrase that everyone used to say to me, I was the first to say it to myself. !!
"Huh, huh, huh," I suddenly heard the sound of heavy breathing from the bed. I raised my head, which was bent down in a kneeling manner, holding my mother's hair with tears. What I met in my vision was two eyes with an affectionate look directed at me, and a warm smile that I could clearly see from Inside the respirator.
'Even if I was the one who caused her death....'!!
My weak eyes sparkled. It was the first moment that made me feel the feeling of crying from happiness. A feeling that made my heart bloom like a flower in its spring. A feeling that made what I went through seem trivial in comparison.
''A-Mom...Mom N-I, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry'', I didn't know why, but my heart tightened with a feeling as if I had wronged her, as if I had been guilty of her. I started asking for her forgiveness, even though I knew she couldn't speak.
"My son Ryota, my dear Ryota.. huh huh huh"!!