Luca's POV
I opened my eyes and sighed
The dark memories just wouldn't leave.
I looked around the room to find it was that one i used at Thomas apartment
It was completely empty
Also couldn't find my phone when i look near me
But what i noticed was a glass of water on the nightstand so i took it and gulped it down, exhaling deeply.
I needed that, at least this big dogs have me in mind
I cried too much
ran too much
thought too much
Everything was just too much
So rn my head and body was aching badly but i don't even know where the medication stay in this apartment so i won't even try to go look for it
I turned to my side and stared at the dark blue curtains
I sigh
With how i am right now
I just knew i couldn't go back to sleep anytime soon.
I was too scared to anyway.
I don't even know how i can describe how i feel
Have you ever felt so trapped
So bottled up that you feel like blowing out?
You also feel like crying but nothing comes out, no screams, no cries
nothing...
So you sit there feeling your heart shatter into million of pieces
Well ,that's me right now.
I sat in bed and i felt myself break.
I feel like the world's against me somehow and i have no idea what to do
But only one thing i could think of as am escape
and with that thought
I concluded,
So i went to the bathroom
i couldn't find it
You see,
you could say i was looking for anything anywhere and accessible fast without a noise
Then i tiptoe to the kitchen ..
I saw what could help me forget of the memory that sneaked in my dream
Here lies silver platter with a knife near the sink
I took it and went back to bed quietly
When i reached there
I put the silver platter down and lay beside it
I was so in deep thoughts
Inevitably; after what happened in the bush, it caused my nightmare to be brutal today
How i wish i could delete everything
Like restart/reboot my mind so i could start afresh
I had an itch in my own skin. I needed a release from this feeling
A feeling of being dirty, fear, sadness, longing ,loneliness and many more
My hand was really aching
I tried to prevent myself as i look at the knife lying there
It seems like it's also crying to me for something
'Am lonely'
'Lemme help you'
'Lets help each other'
'I can get you to forget'
'You can get me to be useful'
I hear it whisper to me
You would swear that am crazy
but
I promise you this knife right here was begging me
I closed my eyes as tears fall
I'm very near to giving in
"Kill yourself"
I opened my eyes looking for the source of the voice
I found none
"Its not like anyone is going to remember you"
And i knew the voices in my head are back
"You're nothing but a disgrace" i heard my fathers voice
"I wish you were never born. You killed her"
"KILL YOURSELF"
My hand grab the knife as i lift my long sleeved shirt
I could see the cuts that were healed and some still healing
I close my eyes again, slowly inch the knife to my skin
Slice
as i bleed out
I sign in relief as the voices calm down a little
I was once innocent to the ways of self-harm, you know
At the time of my early adolescents to learn about myself and my fathers relationship, how how i allowed him to hurt me as if it was normal because i didn't know that time
And then i found out that cutting skin was a release unachievable by any other method.
Lifting my hand again to cut
"Please don't" a painful tired but loud voice with so much authority stopped me midway
Rosa
I stood up ,pulling down my sleeves and look at her in fear
as i step back until i hit the bed
She approached me slowly and gave me a hug
"Shhh babyboy, it's okay. I'm here now. No one is going to hurt you now"
I shivered as i cried more
As she whisper comforting words
I feel so safe in her arms as i drift away to lalala land. Dreamland with no dream for the first time in a while
*******************************************************************************