The night had just begun, but I lay in my bed still thinking about my life and how I fucked it up. The only thing good about today is I'm a free man.
The last 4 years was spent in a grey jumpsuit. In a grey room with grey linen. One bed. A mattress the size of mine when I was 3 and a window that you couldn't even see shit out of.
I'm home. What could feel better than this? Am I really home? Yes, I'm in my old room in my old bed listening to my old alarm clock. Staring at my old walls. Am I a new me? Am I the same nigga I was then?
"Damn I guess this what getting out of juvi feel like" I didn't even hear my door open or my little brother step in.
I haven't seen him in over a year.
"Nobody was here" I said. My little brother wasn't so little anymore. It made me smile.
"The hell are you smiling for?" He asked.
"Nigga who you talking to and why you cussing" I shot back.
"Nigga hell ain't no cuss word and momma sleep she can't hear me."
I got up out the bed and thought about beating his ass, but he had a point hell isn't a cus word. I was just trying to be big brother. Can I really say anything he had to take care of our momma for the last 4 years.
"Give me a hug man" I said reaching out for him. He hesitated but I knew he missed me as much as I missed him.
We embraced and shared a few shredded tears. When we pulled apart, he said.
"Momma know you here?"
"Naw, I slipped in late last night, my window was open I didn't want to wake yall up, just been sitting thinking about shit. You say she sleep."
"Not the real sleep, the other sleep" he said putting his head down. My moms had a problem with pills the last few years and she blames it on pops leaving. I believe there's more to it.
"What you need lil bro? I know that look" I said.
"Well momma said earlier that she would get me some Paula's, so when I got home from practice, I was waiting but she".
I stopped him there. Moms got high and locked herself in her room. it's been an occurring thing from what I've learned from Gino the last few years.
"Bro, I don't even have .50 to my name. I can whip you up something. I saw food in there."
I said.
I knew bro didn't want nothing here and my moms probably promised him she'd get him Paula's.
"It's cool bro you just got home; I shouldn't be asking you for anything right now" Gino said.
I've always been the glue. I've always been the one that held it together when pops would get mad and leave. I've never told Gino no. I've never not came thru for him. Watching him close my door knowing he needed me only brought back them thoughts of getting it by any means. Even something as small as a meal from my little brother's favorite restaurant, I felt like I had to make that happen.
And that's what I'm gone do.