Waking up I get ready for work, today is the day to man up and talk to Becca. After I finish getting ready I make myself some breakfast, then brush my teeth, put my shoes on the walk out the door to my car. Heading to work Becca's and my songs are playing making me miss her more. Pulling into work I get out walk through the doors and I'm searching for her. Looking for her I turn to see her walking toward me and I head in that direction too. When we reach each other we open our mouths at the same time to speak "Becca" and "Logan". We start laughing and I say "Ladies first" She nods her head and says " Can you drop me off at my house tonight? Annmera is gonna cook dinner so you can eat with us like you used to and afterwards we can talk about some things" I wonder what we are going to talk about I'm kinda nervous. What if she doesn't want to be friends anymore? What if she completely hates my guts now? Or did Greg steal her as my friend or more? All I could do was nod in agreement and she headed to her department and so did I.
So many thoughts are going through my head throughout the day that I can't even think about work. It feels like time is at a standstill with how slow it's going by. Finally, it's time to clock out of work and I rush to the front doors waiting for Becca. Turning my head, I see her walking my way and I actually smile. I have missed her so much! As we head to the car, we ask each other how they have been this last month and listen to our car jams. As we are pulling into her driveway one of our songs come on "You Make Me by ANTH" so we decide to jam out and then head in. Walking through the front door she yells "Annmera I'm home and Logan's here" Annmera yells from the kitchen "Okay can I get some help then since y'all are here". We go into the kitchen to help Annmera. She has me washing the dishes that she had used during the time she was making fettuccine and garlic bread.
When we were all finished it was time to make our plates. Digging into this delicious food, Annmera and I are bickering about anime and who has better taste. Becca starts laughing out loud and Annmera and I both turn and say "What are you laughing at?" She smiles saying "Y'all obviously. It feels great hanging out together again" We look at each other than her and nod saying "Yeah it does". After we finish eating, Becca looks at me saying "Can we talk in the living room for a second?" I nod, then head in that direction. When we reach the living room I sit in the chair while she sits on the couch. She looks at me smiling saying " It's been a while but I think we need to talk about things now. We said some things we shouldn't have said to each other and did some things we shouldn't have. I want to apologize first for letting my emotions out of hand" "No Becca it was all my fault and I said things I really shouldn't have and if I did anything else I'm sorry" She says "Logan it's okay and you did do something else when I dropped you off at your house but we aren't going to talk about it. I just want our friendship to go back to how it was. I really missed hanging out with you"
I look at her so confused saying "I did something else to you? Was it like super bad? I didn't hit you or anything like that right??" She responds "No oh no.. it wasn't anything bad like that. You just um mistook me for Annmera and k-kkk-ki-kissed me" My eyes go wide and I can feel a stunned look come across my face as I try to speak "I-I-I'm s-s-sorry. Becca I'm so sorry I did that to you. I don't even know what to say other than sorry. I said so many hurtful things and then did that. I really am a selfish jerk of a friend". She tells me "It's fine. Let's forget all that happened after we apologized and go back to being just friends. I want our friendship back even if you are a selfish jerk of a friend (laughing while she says that) but 20-plus years of friendship is something I don't want to lose". I agreed with her and we didn't bring it back up.
I have to tell her my thoughts though cause I'm going crazy wondering what all this means "Becca can I say something honestly though… when we weren't together I missed you a lot more than I thought. I went to talk to you one night when I saw you at Riley's Tavern but Greg showed up. Seeing you with him really aggravated me for some reason and when he pulled you into his arms I wanted to rip y'all apart. Afterward, he talked to me and told me he'd take you away from me if I didn't man up. I don't know what these feelings are but I'd like to figure it out if that's okay". Her mouth fell open I guess she wasn't expecting that from me. Before she could speak Annmera walked in and asked if our friendship was okay and we nodded cause that was true but then again after what I said maybe not.
After we finished hanging out, Becca walked me out and told me " Look Logan about what you said earlier… I think … I think we should just stay friends and only friends. You liked my sister for years, dated I don't know how many women, and now you're saying you may like me. You need to get yourself figured out before you think about dating or liking someone with everything you just put everyone through. Besides I..I. I'm seeing someone, it's not official but we both like each other and I want to go somewhere with him. He doesn't complicate things and I feel at home with him, he makes me feel safe when I'm in his arms, he makes me laugh, listens to me, and gives advice when I need it, and has seen me for who I was when no one else could, he wants me to be happy even if it's not with him and says he'll be my friend and try to support me if I choose someone else but it would be after some time. He's open and honest about how he feels towards me and I want to know him more. So I'm sorry but you need to get rid of whatever emotions you felt".
Honestly hearing her say that kinda hurts because that means I couldn't even make her feel that way during our friendship. Trying to not look sad I smile saying "You're right Becca. I'm sorry again. Let's just be friends and stay that way". After that, I got in my car and left. I mean what else am I supposed to do she's right, my thoughts are all over the place and I just put them through so much crap. All I'm doing is hurting them, I just need to back off for a little bit longer til I can figure things out for myself.